Find Your Way Back To Me
by ElsterBird
Summary: "You're punishing him over and over for things that are out of his control. I think it's time you flipped this little scenario in your head. If you'd been taken by the Capitol, and hijacked, and then tried to kill Peeta, is this the way he would be treating you?" Rated M for language, violence and... more.
1. Lost

Hey guys!  
Sorry for my bad English. I started this fanfiction in German, but I realized soon enough, that English is more beautiful than German. Lol. There will be a lot of mistakes, It's a little bit awkward for me, but please try to bear with it! _It definitely gets better after the second chapter :D _Please hang in there!

* * *

**Chapter 1: Lost**

Everything should have gone according to plan. Every man and woman of the rescue team of district 13 had been selected very carefully and trained for this mission. The concept was good enough to work out and even the progress reports that came in after our team had arrived at the capitol had all been positive. The team had headed out early in the morning, and it was expected to return two days after their departure.

Most of the rebels were just waiting in their rooms and prayed for a favorable outcome. Plutarch never left his seat and literally resided in the command center, never going out for even a second. So did Coin, Boggs, Haymitch and also Finnick, who could never refrain himself from pacing up and down nervously. Of course he did. Annie Cresta's life was also at stake...

"What the fuck is going on?", he asked nervy, as he stroke through his bronze-colored hair. "They should have contacted us since a while ago. What are they doing?"

"Calm down boy", Boggs reminded him. "They will. Soon. Everything will be alright."  
But he did not sound as reassuring as he wanted himself to be.

"How could I calm down in this kind of situation?" he answered angrily. "I don't know what to do if Annie.. If.."

His voice failed him. He didn't even want to think about it, he just felt his gorge rising.  
Boggs placed his hand on Finnick's shoulder, since he did not have any words left to cheer him up.

Haymitch never talked, but his hands found their way to the flask in his vest constantly. It was his own way to cope with his agitation and no one seemed to be bothered by his malodorous breath for once. Coin just played with her fingers, as she sank in her armchair.

I was not allowed to join them, regardless of how many times I had asked - no - begged them. Haymitch stated that I should just busy myself with something else, since I seemed to be unstable lately. That would not have been surprising if we recap what had happened the last few weeks. I had fought in the arena again, killed for my own survival and even lost the person, who's most important to me, to the claws of the capitol. And to top it all, my whole homeland got burned down, including my home, friends and their families.

'_He has no say_', I thought angered. '_After all, it's him who gets drunk as fast as possible if something bad happens. This is what I would call unstable. In fact, his state might be even worse than mine_.'

Haymitch didn't have anyone to care about, since he survived his own games. Everyone he had cared about had been tortured and killed by the capitol, as they weren't pleased with the circumstances of his victory. But twenty-four years later, his almost frozen heart has started to beat again, just because of two children who survived under his guidance. Two children who grew to be something like his own children. His new family. And now, one of his beloved kids was gone, reopening old scars that he had desperately tried to close by drinking for years.

Maybe he didn't want me to see him like this. We could have supported each other, since we both were worried to death, but no matter how long I begged, the doors to the commander center stayed closed, leaving me no chance to enter. So I stayed right next to the doors waiting. Minutes. Hours. Days. I would have waited for a week if necessary. I was left with my hope alone, that I would be the first one to be told the latest news if anything happened.

-.-

I had to think about what happened that last day in the arena. It was my biggest mistake that I approved to let our little group split up. If I had only known that someone from outside, the rebels, tried to rescue us out of the killing floor, I would have made sure to stay with everyone. Escape together. Survive together.

As soon as the force field had burst in an earsplitting bang, someone grabbed me from behind and literally threw me into the hovercraft.

"You are safe. Now stay down", a strangely familiar voice had told me. Gale.

I felt dizzy and was on the verge of losing consciousness. I had hit my head quite hard when the explosion had wiped me off my feet, but I still managed to realize that some people of my alliance were missing.

"What about the others? Tell me!"  
I demanded but no one would answer me, including the gray-eyed man from the seam.

"Where are they? What are you doing?" I hissed after no one seemed to care about what I had been asking. I got up to my wobbling feet. One moment later, someone pinned me against the wall as I tried to escape and ordered me to _calm the fuck down_. Of course I would not let them have their way, not if I didn't know what happened to the other tributes.

"Take your hands off me!" I struggled. "Let me go back! The others are still-…"

This was all I could remember. Someone had knocked me out from behind and the last thing I could sense was the deep darkness I sank into. I could hear the distant cracking of machine guns around me and the sound of detonations. Screams. I just couldn't differ if I really heard them or If they were just products of my own mind.

When I had came to again, I was already brought to the headquarter of the rebellion – District 13. I couldn't remember what happened first, but when I spotted Finnick who lay in the bed next to mine, I remembered.  
"Finnick!" I had shouted and got up immediately. "Finnick, where are we?"

The young man had already been awake.

"Oh, hello there", he answered calmly when he turned his head to meet my glance. "It took you a long time to come back to us. We are out of the arena, …obviously." He added.

"I can see that", I replied untouched. "Where is 'out of the arena'?"

"District 13."

"What?"

"District 13, I said."

I gasped. "District 13 doesn't exist anymore."

"Does it look like it doesn't exist to you?" he stated and looked around. I followed his glance. The room we had been in looked like a clinical center, but not like the one of the capitol, where I had found myself in after my first hunger games. This one looked more like there were also humans treating their patients and not only machines.

I shook my head. "Apparently we ought to be _somewhere_. How did we get here?"

"The rebels saved us."

I raised my eyebrow. _Rebels?_

"Our rescue was planned well in advance, since the rules for the quarter quell were released to the public. But we never told you 'cause it wasn't safe enough to do so."

"_You knew_?" I had almost shouted.

He nodded what had left me quite speechless. "Haymitch will tell you everything", he promised.

"Haymitch? He's here?"

"Yeah, he is. You should thank him later, since he's the one who pulled the strings amongst others all along."

I couldn't believe what Finnick told me. How had this even been possible? I had been convinced that I'd die back there. I had planned to live as long as the others would need me to survive the game. And then go. Forever. I hadn't even dreamt of the possibility that we would make it out alive again. Now I've been given a future. Once again.

I had been relieved to know that Finnick was by my side and I really thought for a second, that everyone else was safe, too. But the other beds around us had all been left untouched.

Finnick had explained everything to me.

Slowly.

Except us, Beetee had been the only one to get out of there. Fortunately, he and Finnick had fallen over right next to me, when the explosion occurred and had been picked up at the same time as me. The others had not been found early enough, the security of the capitol came into action much faster than the rebels had ever expected. They had triggered all traps at once. A big wave had come out of nowhere and had almost hit the hovercraft, which managed to start last minute. However they had to abandon the rest of the tributes to their fates.

-.-

This had happened several weeks ago. When I was able to leave the clinic, I started to hang out in front of the commander center, never even once going to the room which was assigned to me. At least not for eating or sleeping, but even I had to go to wash myself sometimes. Finnick was the only one who leaked information to me. Haymitch simply let me be, and Beetee didn't think he was close to me at all to comfort me. Let alone Coin or Boggs, her 'footboy'.

They didn't even care to tell me, when the rescue team launched for their mission. I guess, Haymitch just had been afraid that it would come to my mind to join them in secret. If someone had told me about D-day, I would have jumped on board of the next hovercraft immediately. I wanted to be in that mission so badly. I wanted to safe my dear ones from the capitol, but no one let me. No one gave me the chance to do it. They told me I was too 'important' to risk my life for that. Instead of me, they let Gale go, because he got the trust of the government in District 13 and also seemed to already be a big shot in thirteen's troops.

I waited till the next morning, when Finnick and Beetee left the center. Finnick's tanned face looked rather pale for the first time I saw him. His eyes seemed to be cold as ice when he looked at me. Beetee just walked on, pearls of sweat forming on his forehead.

"What's going on?" I asked breathless. I knew something wasn't right, because he couldn't manage to look into my eyes.

"Finnick?"

He shook his head. It felt as if someone hit me in my stomach and ripped it apart.

"Finnick? What... What happened?" I asked as my voice started to tremble in terror.

"The mission didn't succeed" he said. He pressed his eyes closed and shook his head slowly.

"What? What do you mean?"

"When the rescue team got in... The prison was... " he inhaled deeply and bit his lower lip. He knew he had to tell me, but it was extremely hard on him. He opened his eyes again as he exhaled and finally started to speak again.  
"There ... There was no one to be found in the prison, except for Johanna and Annie. They made it."

Under different circumstances I would have been happy for him. But I wasn't. I didn't care about Annies rescue now, I couldn't care less about her at the moment.

"And what about –", I began terrified. Finnick stopped me.

"Katniss is lost. I am sorry."

* * *

This is my first fanfiction written in English. I am so sorry for all the mistakes. I gave my best, and it still took me ages to just write this tiny chapter!

Actually, I didn't want you to know in whose point of view I wrote. I hope I surprised you a little.

Stay tuned for the second chapter! They may get short, but I'm sure you will like the story.

Please review and tell me If you liked it and - If you understood anything at all! , thank you!


	2. A cruel Gift

Hi there, here's the second chapter :-) I am SO happy that I finished it, because the story will start from now on. Please don't forget to review. I need to know if it's okay to keep on writing like this… thanks!

* * *

**Chapter 2: A cruel gift**

„Where is she? " I yelled as I grabbed Finnick by the scruff of his neck. "What have they done to her?"

Finnick tried to stay as calm as possible. He shook his head again.

"I told you we don't know. They are interrogating Johanna right now. I am not sure if she knows anything. I heard she looks horrible and no one actually cares to bring her to the hospital. They don't let her go until they know about Katniss' whereabouts. You can be sure they are doing everything in their power to safe her."

I released him. It wasn't his fault at all. I was desperate and took it out on him. I felt helpless.

"Try to cheer up a little, boy" the tanned guy said. "At least they didn't torture her till death in that cell like the Avoxes. Johanna would have known. Their cells were next to each other the first days. She might be okay, still."

His words didn't comfort me at all. How could they have? I left Finnick where he stood when he finished telling me everything he knew. I couldn't stand company now and I just wanted to be alone. I wanted to hide myself crawl in a dark hole.

Why did I left her back in the arena? Why couldn't I go with her? Everything was my fault. If I had stayed by her side, we wouldn't have been separated.

_'If anything happened to Katniss, I wouldn't be able survive. I know.'_

I ran to my room. For the first time, I threw myself into the bed and cried like a little child. I didn't feel ashamed of it. I just let all the frustration I had held back those weeks out, and I couldn't say how long I was sobbing against my pillow. When I stopped and felt, that no tears were flowing out of me anymore, I felt hollow and deadly wounded. The only thing I could do was sleep. And wait. And be sure to keep breathing.

'_She won't be dead, right? She was just sent somewhere else'_ I hoped, and with this thoughts and her name on my lips, I drifted in a long, dreamless sleep.

When I got up again, I was surprised a little. For a second I didn't know where I was. The room was so unfamiliar. But it was _my_ room, obviously.

My eyes were swollen badly.

_'Peeta, you are such a kid.'_

After I checked on my plans today, I went to eat some breakfast. I got some strange white bread, without any taste and red beans. I didn't like it at all, though I was not sure if it was because it really tasted bad or if I just wasn't able to enjoy anything. I found out that it was the latter. I couldn't enjoy anything anymore, I just felt numb and didn't know how to get out of this misery. The only effective medicine for me would have been Katniss. I knew.

Half a week passed, until I met my old mentor in front of the command center. He got news for me, he said. But he looked so awful, I immediately realized that the news could not be good ones. No, awful wasn't even the right word for it: He looked like a piece of shit. And his stench wasn't better at all.

"They might'ave found her!" Haymitch yelled at me, as he grabbed my shoulders and I knew that he only did it as he tried to not fall over. His face looked terrible and his breath stank barbarous. I had to pull myself together to keep eye-contact. "…Not sssure yet though."

It was not the time to lecture him about his drinking behavior. I grabbed him, as he held on me, and shook him slightly.

"Where?" I asked him desperate, not even able to take a single breath (Which was better anyway, Haymitch smelled beyond belief).

"One of our account execut-…", he started and suddenly started to choke. It turned out to be a bad idea to shake him. I jumped away just on time, when he started vomiting over his own shirt and I realized that it was impossible to interact with him. I called for help and after few seconds, Haymitch was taken to the next hospital room to sober up. I managed to worry about him a little, since he even looked worse than he did, when we were reaped for the first time. Haymitch fell of the stage which didn't help him to improve his reputation.

I rushed to Finnick's side. Within District 13, he was my closest ally and he might have been the only one I could rely on.

"Finnick, tell me what happened. Please!", I begged him. He wrinkled his nose when he saw the stains of Haymitch's barf on my left pant leg. I haven't realized it because I couldn't feel the fluid on my skin - since there was no skin anymore. Now it was my turn to look disgusted.

"Haymitch", I declared shortly and the former tribute of District 4 simply nodded . He got the picture.

"District 13 infiltrated the capitol", he began and led me towards my room. "We got news from one of our men. " He said as we were walking.

"We were told that … a train had left from the capitol early yesterday morning."  
First I didn't get what he wanted to tell me.

"A train" It didn't sound like a question.

"Yeah."

"Is she… is she on it?" I gasped. I was not able to calm myself anymore. "Tell me already!"

"We don't know… okay? I heard that they shipped something. A bed or a … box or something."

Finnick knew more than me. As he spoke, he wondered how long it would take me to understand. It took me much longer than he had imagined.

"Where is it.. where is it headed?" I began to stutter, having a dark premonition. But I didn't get any answer.

I swallowed hard.

"Where?", I repeated with fear but also anger in my voice. '_Come on, it's like pulling teeth!_' I thought.

"That's the point Peeta. The train will arrive in District 12 - or it's ruins – in less than an hour."

"Why?" I asked. "Why is the Capitol going there? What are they sending to…"

My heart stopped as realization stroke me hard.

"They won't!" I cried. "They wouldn't!"

Again, Finnick didn't give me an answer.  
He simply kept silent and waited for me to couch my thoughts in terms.

"A coffin! They will send us her dead body, Finnick!"

Finnick inhaled sharply. He had thought of this, too..

"It is possible." he said, his voice strangely calm. When he saw my shocked face, he wasn't sure how to react. If I was Annie, he would have hugged me until I calmed down or would have rocked me slowly back and forth in his arms until I would have fallen asleep.  
But of course, I was not Annie. In addition, I wasn't even a girl. The man in front of me didn't know what to do, since he certainly is good with women and only women.  
He simply pressed his palm against my shoulder and squeezed. It helped me not even a bit, but it still felt better than nothing at all.

"We will leave for 12 in about fifteen minutes", he said, when we stepped back into my room. I couldn't even remember how we actually got there. "Care to join us?" he asked concerned.

"Yes" I answered defeated, my face pale and my hands sweaty. "Thank you."

Finnick nodded. His offer was the only thing he could give me. He knew, If he was in my place, he would want to go too.

"Do I have a minute? I want to change my clothes. I don't want to smell like Haymitch."

"Yea, but hurry up."

I changed really fast, thoughtless, as If I were a machine. I didn't want to think anymore. Because every time I did, I found myself imagine the picture of Katniss motionless corpse. Tears filled my eyes.

'_No, it's not true. I know._' I tried to tell myself. '_Everything will be alright. She will be alright. She _must _be.'_

A few minutes later our hovercraft started, headed for District 12. We never talked. I never looked outside once. I didn't want to see the changing landscape, because I knew, starting at one certain point, that there would only destruction be waiting for me. The place I once called home. Burnt to ashes.

"We will soon arrive. Please prepare your weapons and check your equipment again." I heard the aviator through the inter phone. "Be sure to fasten your seatbelts. We might get some turbulence."

'_As if I care_', I thought. I just wanted to get out of this floating something and face the facts. Not even knowing what had happened to her is even scarier than seeing it with my own eyes. If I saw her dead body, at least, I could accept it. But just see it in my imagination was something that made me break beyond repair.

We landed soon after this announcement. I was happy to know that Finnick stayed by my side, the one ally I trusted the most in the arena. And of course, he was a good replacement for Haymitch who was… indisposed.

The train came into our sight; it already had stopped before reaching the destroyed railway station of District 12. I couldn't look at the burnt and destroyed buildings anyway, and even if I wanted to go and check on my bakery, I could not pick up the courage to do so. I didn't even want to risk to catch a glimpse of it.

_'One dead body for today would be enough.'_

I mustn't think like that. But I did anyway.

The distance to the halted train decreased. We were especially careful; since we didn't know what traps could have been set by the capitol. As we drew nearer nothing happened, what surprised us more than enough. It was as if the capitol wanted us to see, to risk a glance inside. To welcome us.

As If they wanted to send us a present.

And they did.

It was Katniss.

When I opened the door to the room, where we had been sleeping next to each other in the tour of victors, I found her body. She was placed in the bed, _our _bed, covered with odorous, white roses. Next to her was something, that resembled a coffin, filled with bloody red roses with incredibly long stems. The girl looked like she was sleeping, peaceful and free, but scarred all over her white, thin and lifeless body. Her olive skin had never been this pale before…

She wore the mockingjay dress that Cinna had designed for her, but most of the feathers were torn out, and I found a red ribbon around her neck. The kind of ribbon you would tie around a present.

I fell to my knees. This couldn't be real, right? This was one of those dreams, those nightmares I would always have in the night, right before waking up in Katniss' consoling arms.

No. This wasn't real. It couldn't be. But I was too scared to stand up and check, if there really was no heartbeat to be found anymore. The capitol won over us. Over me.

I called out her name, nothing more than a silent and desperate whimper, not fighting against the tears anymore, when something strange happened. Something in the room actually _moved_. I lifted my head in her direction to check if I just had imagined things. I hadn't. Katniss sat straight in her bed and gave me a bewildered look.

"Katniss!", I yelled, as I got such a start that I wasn't able to think clearly. She didn't say anything and had a kind of foreign and dull expression in her eyes as she got up and moved towards me. She looked insecure but her eyes were never leaving mine as she walked. I jumped on my feet and opened my arms to embrace her tightly when I reached her. I was literally crying my ass out. And I didn't care about it.

"Katniss, I thought you were… you were..", I whispered choking.

"_I was waiting for you_", she said. Her voice sounded hollow and her hands were trembling nervously, but she was Katniss, without a doubt. My Katniss. Alive and save now.

"_I missed you so much_."

My heart jumped.

"I missed you even more than you could ever imagine, Katniss." I answered truthfully, as I held her tight, and when I felt her breath fondle my ear, I was a goner.

"_Yeah…_", she sighed.

And then she slowly raised a knife behind my back.

* * *

The story starts from here.. poor Peeta. I already feel sorry for him.

Please review (and tell me about my mistakes, that would be very nice :) Thank you for reading!)


	3. In their hands

Hi there :)

Here comes the third chapter! It was really easy to write since I had so much fun. I may like dark characters I guess. Please tell me how you liked it!

* * *

"_You're punishing him over and over for things that are out of his control. Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't have a fully loaded weapon next to you round the clock. But I think it's time you flipped this little scenario in your head. If you'd been taken by the Capitol, and hijacked, and then tried to kill Peeta, is this the way he would be treating you?"_

_- Haymitch_

_..._

**Chapter 3: In their hands**

KPOV

I was ready to drop my hand down to stab that boy's broad back, piercing his small and –still – pounding heart. I wanted to spill out all of his red, hot blood over the entire floor and also over my hands and whole body as a proof that I managed to fulfill my given task.

"Die." I said and plunged down my hand, looking forward to see the colorful juice oozing out of his corpus. But I didn't get the chance yet, as a strong fist suddenly grabbed my wrist and stopped me from slaughtering my prey, only few inches away from his skin.

"_What the hell is going on!_" a familiar voice yelled. I knew it from somewhere.  
Right, it belonged to that mentor from District 4 who had tried to kill me back in the arena. I would recognize him anytime.

I remembered him being teamed up with that blonde guy in my arms. I remembered how they left old Mags to die. The tanned one tossed her into the deadly fog and the blond one cheered him on while doing it. With them was also that scowling, incessantly screaming shorthaired slut from District 7 who had attacked me from behind on the last day.  
I immediately knew that he also was one of my enemies. It was him who grasped my hands and stopped me from killing the blond wimp.

"Let go of me!" I hissed as I tried to free my wrist. His grip hardened instead and forced me to release my knife. It chattered to the floor and the boy's blue eyes darted to it, as they widened in surprise and shock. Before he even realized in what danger he was in, I kicked against his left knee, somehow knowing that this had been his weak spot. I was right. He cried out in pain as he fell backwards, crashing against his friend whose hand came off of me. I turned around and got hold of my knife. I threw myself over my target, that blond guy, our hips crashing against each other. I raised my weapon to do my job already, just to find my wrists in the tanned guy's hands again.

"You both die!" I bawled in fury as I tried to overcome his strength, but he turned out to be far more powerful than I. He pulled me away from the boy lying on the ground. I spat on his face and cursed him many times, my voice sounded like thousands of birds shrieking at the same time as I tried to get rid of him. "DIE YOU SCUM!"

"Do it, Peeta!" he shouted then, and after some hesitant moments, I felt something hard cracking my head as my whole world went blurry and dark. That blond bastard, Peeta, knocked me out with a vase or something.

After this, I don't remember anything.

-.-

I don't know how long I had been unconscious, but when I woke up, I found myself lying in a white, dazzling room. I couldn't move as my wrists, thighs, ankles, torso and even my forehead were tied down to the bed. My clothes have been changed to nothing more than a white blanket with holes for my arms; least it felt like that since I was not sure if I even wore some pants.  
I heard some people talking in my room but I couldn't reopen my eyes since it was so bright in that fucking room and the light hurt my eyes. So I just listened to their conversation, not giving away that I was already awake. They discussed something about a wristband they had taken off of me, but I can't remember what kind of purpose it had served.

"Bring it to Coin. It's addressed to her without a doubt." A male voice suggested. "She won't like it, though."

"Who would possibly like something like this?", a female voice answered in disgust. "How could they do something like this to an innocent girl?"

"Why does this still manage to surprise you? They send children into the arena, call it _a festival_ and are happy, when they finish off each other. What they did now is just the continuation of their inhumanity. And they know that we _do_ need her. We need _Katniss_."

My eyes shot open and even before I knew what I was doing, I hissed: "Don't call me like _that_!"  
The man and the woman turned in surprise. I could tell that they were extremely shocked.  
Both of them looked like some kind of doctors, but … plain. The ones I knew were more colorful and wore a lot of accessory, even on their overalls. Oh yeah, and they wore ridiculous wigs, even the male ones. Makes them look like some sort of clowns, but it was normal to me. I was used to it. So when I saw their normal, artless faces, I knew I wasn't back home.

"You are awake!" the man noted and took a sharp breath. I rolled my eyes. As If I didn't get that by myself. "Why?"

"Why shouldn't I be?" I hissed back. Maybe they thought that they already had finished me off? "And where am I, by the way?"  
I jogged on my manacles. "What a _lovely_ way to awake from my beauty sleep, though" I spat ironically.

The female turned to her colleague. "She shouldn't be", she remarked. "The dosage must have been wrong."  
"No" he answered. "But her body's drugged up to the eyeballs. I'm afraid to put her on further medication since we don't know what she's been given before."

He turned to look at me. His eyes were dark and blue, and they reminded me of something; or someone unpleasant.  
"You wouldn't tell us, would you Katniss?"

"_Don't_ call me like that!" I snapped. "I am _not _your stinking mutt anymore!"

"What?"  
The doctors eyes met.  
"What do you mean by that?" she asked. "And how should we call you if not Katniss?"

"I am Katarina, get it you scum!" I pressed through my teeth. And they angered me even more when I saw their eyebrows raise in skepticism.

"Okay, Kat…arina" the woman played along. I knew that she used the name '_Katniss_' in her head, still.  
"Would you mind telling us about the mutt-thing?"

"No" I spat. "You know it yourselves."

"Well, we don't, dear." She answered patiently.  
"You do! And don't '_dear_' me!" I hiss. She raised my anger even more and now I wanted to strangle her just so badly that I would happily imagine how my fingers would enclose her tiny, little neck.

The male one took a chair and sat down beside me.  
"Okay. It's okay Katarina. How about we introduce ourselves first? My name's Marcow Sundower and I will be spending my time with you from now on."  
I rolled my eyes again. Oh great. Couldn't he just disappear and die in some deep, soggy hole?

"And this is Miss Rockwell" he pointed to the female. I couldn't recall his name already. I didn't care at all. "So why don't you help us out here? I would like to know why you don't like _that name_.. _Katniss._"

My heard jumped and I felt the heat of anger rise even more than before.  
"Mutt-thing!" I answered and he finally knew that he would have to change the subject.

"Good. I respect that." He said. "Then tell us please, why you tried to kill your friend, Peeta Mellark."

That blondie.

This was a rather easy question.

"He is _not_ my friend!" I shrieked. "If I don't kill him, he will kill me! I hate him! I hate him so much! He deserves death! He deserves it, like the tanned playboy back then!"

"You are talking about Finnick Odair?" he asked calmly.

The name sounded somewhat familiar to me. Yeah, it was him.  
"I don't care! He should die too! He's in cahoots with that blondie! They killed old, defenseless Mags, tossed her into the fog while laughing! I heard her cry out for me but I couldn't help!"

"Katniss, this never happened like that!" the woman chipped in.

"I AM NOT YOUR FUCKIN' KATNISS!" I yelled and the woman jumped away from me. She thought that I would grab her, but unfortunately, I couldn't move even a finger right now. I swore that I would kill her next, right after that blonde Peeta and Finnick with the green eyes. And then I smirked. Just the thought about how I would get my revenge made me feel somewhat relieved. Satisfied even.  
But it would be a lot of work to get freed of those shackles and belts. But sooner or later I would figure something out for sure.

After I calmed down a little – I just had to think about how I would kill them, one by one – I decided to start a conversation again.

"So, where the fuck am I here?" I asked. "And what happened to my arm?"

It felt kind of itchy and numb at the same time but I wasn't able to lift my head to check it out.  
"Nothing." He said.  
"Liar." I answered.

"Your arm was sliced open. You still had some tracker implanted. Finnick could not take the risk and bring you here with it."  
"Oh, how kind he is!" I remarked coolly. Both of the doctors knew that I thought something like '_I kill you, freaking asshole'_. They were doctors or psychiatrists after all.

"And what are going to do with me now? What is your purpose in kidnapping me?" I shrugged.

"Kidnapping you? That's funny" he said. "We haven't. You were sent to us."

"Sent?" I frowned. "Why would my friends want to send me?"

He balanced a red ribbon on his index finger and showed it to me. "Beautiful necklace right? They sent you to us as a present, girl. Tied up in your ripped mockingjay dress, poor Cinna had designed for you. That's just the kind of things your _friends _do."

"You are insane. Are you trying to make fun out of me? President Snow wouldn't ever do this to me!" I argued and I could see the surprise flicker in their eyes. "I saved his granddaughter! I changed places with her and joined the games! He wouldn't forget that!"

Both of them annoyed me even more when they shook their heads in pity.

"Oh my god!" I got out. "You are all so fucked up and crazy!" I let them know. "And I am tired of listening to you all now! I want to sleep a while so don't you dare to wake me up! I can't stand seeing your stupid, ugly faces anymore!"

"Well, same here" the male doc answered fierce. At least he was honest. He could become my favorite.

* * *

What is this! I hope now you get the picture what went wrong here :D I am sure you knew already when you read Haymich's quote in the beginning.

Actually, I like this chapter. No, I love it. I love that Kat…niss is such an asshole, and I really love to write her dark, capitol side. Next chapter, I promise, there will be more of Peeta and Katniss, so stay tuned!

Thank you for your reviews. I am really happy and motivated If I get one :-) So thank you very much!

ElsterBird


	4. First steps

Chapter four! Thank you for all your favorites and story alearts! I am so happy.

Please leave me some reviews, I would be very happy to hear your opinion about angry Katniss :) She's far more fragile than we actually think. And I love this side to her, too :D Now have fun:_ Peeta POV._

* * *

**Chapter 4: First steps**

Days passed.

I still could feel the pain piercing through my left knee that Katniss had kicked so hard against. The doctors had to adjust my artificial limb again and I had not been able to move for three days. And while I was resting, I couldn't do anything to distract myself from everything that had happened. When I felt down I usually would go into the bakery in District 13, since everyone was nice and happy to see me if I did. But I wasn't able to help them out that much in my state, not to mention that it was nearly impossible for me to heave sacks of flour or bake anything without two stable and strong feet under my body. So I just laid in my bed for those days, unable to do anything but thinking. And grieving.

What had exactly happened? What did the Capitol do to Katniss that she thought she had to kill us? Kill _me_? Did this happen because I left her alone in the arena? I was sure it couldn't have been for this reason since it wasn't in my hands at all. I would have died for her. I would have died to protect her. I wanted her to escape from this nightmare. But she couldn't.

The only feeling left in me, next to the loneliness I felt without her, was guilt.

…

This time, Finnick proved to be a real friend. He hadn't only saved my live twice already; he would be there for me and comfort me in every way possible. I knew that he was by my side anytime I needed someone to talk to. Perhaps because he was the only one who truly understood what I was going through: Annie, the girl he was in love with, had gone insane due to the Hunger Games. And now, I found myself to be thrown into the same situation as him, since Katniss Everdeen hat gone mad too.  
The doctors had informed me already, that she would have to undergo an intensive therapy, mental _and_ physical. But the chances to mend her… in short, the odds definitely were not in her favor.

They also reported me that it would be better off not seeing her. If I did, my heart would probably break apart, so I decided to wait for her getting better a little. Even If I wanted to go and meet her, they did not let me anyway. I was told that the Capitol's scientists had hijacked her, using the venom of Tracker Jackers, mutated wasps I knew myself very well from my first time in the arena. It was pumped into her body to the verge of death, maybe even beyond that point. But the capitol's doctors did not let her die. After her mind was crushed as her body was, from endless torture even before the hijacking, they had let her go, knowing what importance she held for the rebellion. They sent her back the way I found her, lying in a bed of white roses, guarded by a coffin stuffed with red roses as a sign of love and affection. I understood the message; the red ones were meant for me, celebrating the fact that every possibility of her coming to love me one day, had been taken now. Destroyed, torn out, killed.

Snow sent her back, knowing that the rebels were to retrieve her. That's why he left us a message, written on her silky wristband.

"_You can have your beloved Mockingjay back; hopefully you liked my present as much as I had enjoyed myself preparing it. Have fun with your last ray of hope."_

Coin did not like it. Of course, she didn't. Katniss Everdeen, the Mockingjay, was the girl that triggered the rebellion. She was the one who managed to convince the people that they had to raise their voice. She was the first bird who sang the song of uprising and destruction and set the whole forest into motion. Now she fell silent, and became a Mockingjay that could not sing.

I spent a lot of time with doctor Sundower. He kept me in the loop about Katniss condition and about her progress; which basically was inexistent. She had completely lost it, didn't remember or even accept her own name and actually believed that president Snow had been her benefactor. They had twisted her mind around, kneaded it like dough and implanted it again in her emptied head. There simply was no hope of bringing her back to her former self.

After some time I would often ask Sundower to meet her, now that my injury had been healed, but he insisted that I should wait. Meeting her would not be the best idea right now. In addition to her aggressive and nasty behavior, she would sometimes simply pass out when they were talking to her about me, screaming and crying as if I tortured her with my own hands. No one could give me an exact explanation about this, or about what had really happened to her at the Capitol. But it was obviously that she hated every person she used to like before. Me, she despised me even more.

When she saw Finnick, she spat at his face again and told him, he was second on her 'to kill- list".  
When they let her meet with Beetee, she called him an asshole that would be better off dead since no one cared for an old, warty geezer.  
She called Johanna a treacherous slut and loudly regretted that she forgot to slice her throat, and Haymitch was told to be a stupid drunk (which was not particularly wrong, since he was even drinking during his visit) and a god damn bastard since he stuck up for me.

When they brought Gale to see her, she simply sent him away, saying that she never wanted to see his ugly face anymore. She seemed to be beyond repair, since she didn't even recognize her best friend. But I was also told that she somehow looked like she was psychically crushed after.

Primrose Everdeen, Katniss' little sister she loved more than her own life, as she proved it in her first games, was the last possibility to get ahold of her. Doctor Sundower told me, that Katniss actually called Primrose by her nickname (the first time she used anyones name anyway) and was being on friendly terms with her. They had a good little chat about this and that, but finally, when Primrose exposed herself as '_her sister'_, Katniss had gone on rampage, which was worse than any reaction that Sundower and Rockwell had ever seen.

"This is not Prim! What have you done to her?" she yelled literally her heart out as she struggled against the belts holding her. "You made her forget! You monsters changed her! Don't trust them! Don't trust anyone!"

Katniss started to cry right after Doctor Rockwell dismissed Primrose who was shaken to the core. The little girl didn't sleep for two days and nights straight, because she was scared of her big sister. It would happen from time to time that she came to my room and even crawled into my bed to get some sleep, like her sister had done it before. Both of them seemed to think that I was keeping away all of their nightmares. Strange enough that Katniss' nightmares were about losing her sister, while her sister's were about meeting Katniss.

I found out that Katniss mistook Primrose for Snows granddaughter. I could not understand how they actually managed to bend her mind as bad as this; she knew about Prim's existence and she obviously loved her, but the background was just wrong.

In the end, Rockwell even discarded the idea of bringing Suzanne Everdeen, Katniss' mother, into play.

Three weeks had passed since Katniss had been found in the train. Three weeks of uncertainty, when I finally was allowed to meet her. I insisted on it, even asked Coin for her permission, since the doctor's would not be happy about it. I convinced her by saying that I might be the only one to get through to Katniss, since we were lovers and all. Though she did not buy our acting all lovey-dovey by the beach (which I personally did not found to be a show actually), she got the feeling that I was not lying. And I wasn't, because I really believed that I could somehow manage. That _we_ could somehow manage. I didn't accept her current state and I couldn't stand the thought that I could possibly have lost her.

Sundower wasn't thrilled about my plans, but since Coin had given me permission, there's nothing he could do about. Before the meeting I had to promise him that I followed his rules, though.

_First: Never call Katniss by her name._ I couldn't understand this one.

_Second: Never talk about your homes, the Forest, District 12 or the games._ Okay. I could try..

_Third:_ _Absolutely never ever mention hunting, killing or death itself._ I could avoid it maybe.

_Fourth: Never bring up the Capitol, the mentors or, by no means, Snow._ Anything else?

_I am able to talk to her about the weather_, I thought ironically. There's not even such a thing like _weather_ in the buried District 13. Is that it? This was ridiculous. But Sundower insisted on it, since all of those points could trigger episodes, attacks that simply broke down her mind. Since it seemed to be the best for Katniss, I unwillingly agreed to his terms. As long as I could meet her I'd accept anything anyway.

The docs made me wear some mic and an almost invisible ear-phone so they could keep in touch with me (without Katniss to notice) whenever I needed it. Actually I didn't think that they would be of any help, since I knew Katniss for far longer than they did. But on other hand, they knew _this_ Katniss, whom I've never met. And I didn't like the thought that someone else would be more acquainted with her than me, since I was the one who truly understood her. I fought with her side by side in the arena twice, fought against every nightmare that haunted us. Haunted her. I stayed with her even in the darkest hours, and even when she cared for someone else she had feelings for; Gale.  
I had never left her side, even when I finally accepted that she would never fall in love with me.

I wouldn't ever have admitted it, but It actually was really hard for me when I heard, that she met Gale instead of me. That he had gotten that privilege and I hadn't. It had hurt my pride. Kind of.

I approached her door. Doc Sundower warned me over the ear-phone that Katniss had not been informed about my upcoming entrance, which made me even more nervous. How would she react when she saw my face? My hands were shaking a little, when I reached for the doorknob. I gulped. Now or never.

I opened the door slowly and peeked into the room. Since she had been tied to her bed, she couldn't even lift her head to see who had just interrupted her privacy.  
"Who's there?" she asked with a high pitched, friendly and almost singing voice, as if she welcomed me wholeheartedly. She somehow sounded like Effie when she had welcomed us to our first reaping. She seemed...nice.  
"If you're coming to annoy me, get your ass out of here, motherfucker." She hummed.

_I take that back_, I thought immediately. There's nothing nice about her.  
"It's me" I announced calmly. "And unfortunately I plan to stay, even If I was annoying."

Katniss gasped when she recognized my voice. At least she remembered it.  
She tried to stay calm about this and did not react as intensely as I expected her to, but when she raised her voice again, I knew that my presence was menacing to her.

"Oh and you think '_It's me_' would be a sufficient introduction?" she asked as If she didn't knew and it was not possible to ignore that fear crept in her voice. She did not wait for another second.  
"What do you want from me, blondie?"

"Talk, for starters."  
"I can see that. We talked. So get out, _now_."  
"I certainly have _not_ waited for weeks to meet you, so that you could throw me out now after three seconds. I am not satisfied with just that."

I closed the door behind me to show her that I meant what I said. I could see how she jerked uncomfortable in her bed when she heard the sound of me closing the door, not being able to watch what I was doing and now knowing, that both of us would be alone in this room.  
"Do I look like I care?" she hissed. "Did you come to finish me off, sweetheart?"

I remembered this very sentence coming from my mouth when she found me almost dying by the riverbanks last year. But I supposed it to be just coincidence. I heard Sundowers low voice crack through the ear-phone. "_No talk about killing, I told you. I will have to dismiss you if you don't cooperate with us_!" he warned. I rolled my eyes. Why should it be my fault when she brought this topic up?

"I have no reason and no intention of doing that. Never had and never will." I answered her truthfully and tried to guide our conversation in another direction.

"Liar! Why are all the people visiting me so fucking terrible liars? I remember how you had treed me back then. Was it funny? Did you not intend to kill me? I know that you can't wait to do me in!" she spat. "Why not now? No one's here, right? Just you, just me! Bring it on you wimp!"

"_That's enough. Peeta, retreat for now_." Sundower stopped me even before I could talk to her like a normal person. Both of them did not give me even one chance to and I couldn't accept our conversation only lasting for one or two minutes at most.

"Even if you had forgotten, Katniss, I haven't. I am your friend. We _are_ friends. I would never harm you" I told her when I moved closer, ignoring the instructions of doctor Sundower

"Oh yeah! That's why you knocked me down earlier!" she shrieked, forgetting about that I called her by her name.

"You obviously tried to kill me! No offending, but this wasn't nice of you either!" I answered her angrily. I took a step closer again.

"I don't need to be ni..." she started hissing and then went silent all of a sudden. "Hey, …what are you doing?" her voice shivered. She had challenged me to 'bring it on', but when I actually moved closer to her, her voice started to panic. She seemed to have lost her confidence in herself as she twitched her fingers nervously.

"Don't… don't come closer to me, asshole!" she cried in terror. "Don't come! Go away I said!"

I took an other step.

"Don't you dare to touch me! Don't do this to me!"

I reached out to her.

She tried to free herself out of her fetters and cried. Tears streamed down her temples as she was pleading me to stop. This took me aback. The girl lying in front of me was anything but strong and brave. She was scared, weak and trembling, as if I scared her to death and that was the last thing I ever had in mind. I stopped when she closed her eyes. If her hands weren't tied, she would have lifted them to her face to hide herself, but she couldn't. She realized that she was completely at my mercy and this made her feel scared even more.

I felt the urge to touch her, touch her forehead and tell her, that everything was okay. But when I got over to her, she started to whimper.

"Please. Please don't. _Peeta_."

I had crossed the line. The second I touched her soft cheek, she cried "_NOOO!_" and her eyes rolled up her head as she lost consciousness. Her body kept twitching and moved like a horrid dance. I jumped back in terror.

"Oh my god" I pressed through my teeth as Sundower entered the room and sedated her. As the morphling shot through her veins, she stopped moving immediately and her muscles relaxed.

"Foolish boy!" he gnashed as he shoved me away. "I think I'd clearly told you not to upset her!"

"S- Sorry" I mumbled. "I.. I didn't know this would happen."

"That's why I told you!" he answered angrily as he checked her pulse, while I wiped her tears carefully. As soon as he was convinced that everything was alright, he somewhat calmed down.  
"How about you? Are you O.K.?"

"That… startled me a _little_" I confessed. Actually I felt my heart sink into my boots, but I didn't want him to know. I never felt this kind of fear before when I saw her thin, wincing body.

"Usually I would tell you to go out and never come back in here. But your encounter just now was… _interesting_."

"Interesting" I repeated flatly.

"That girl reacted to you. She even remembered something real about you. And she called out your name; that's a first except for Primrose. I _might_ want to work with you anytime soon, again."

"What do you mean?" I asked surprised, my eyes widened. For the first time I managed to avert my gaze from her sleeping figure. She looked so vulnerable, so helpless. So broken. Of course I'd be happy to help them out if I can stay with Katniss in return and give her my strength if somehow possible. But how?

"I think you might be the one who could help her making some progress in recovering" he shared his thoughts.

"She can be healed?" I asked hopefully.

"No" he answered and I felt like my whole guts just had been ripped open. "She definitely won't find back to her old self, her mind's far too damaged for it. If we had rescued her sooner, the prejudice could have been reduced, but it's too late I fear."

"So we can't do anything" I whispered in defeat.

"We can. We can at least save her life for starters. I've seen a lot of prisoners being hijacked before. They went insane and committed suicide in their first weeks because they didn't know their own identity and purpose in life. They couldn't stand being alive after what the capitol has done to them. However, Katniss is strong. She has a strong mind and I hope that we can help her to find a more or less normal way to spend her life. At any rate she must catch a glimpse of her former ego, her family and her home in order to … mend herself... It would be a wonder if she'd get better than that."

"She will. If it's Katniss, she definitely will. And I will help her no matter the cost."

It's the day when I was discharged from every duty within District 13.

The day I started to work under doctor Marcow Sundower.

The day I started to fight side by side with her again.

* * *

Whew. This one was actually hard to write. Sorry again for my crappy English. I try my best, but… I've got problems with times and tenses…pronouns… just everything! But I hope you get the story I want to convey to you :D It hurt when I had to write that Beetee was an asshole. I really like that old guy, but anyway. Katniss is being a bitch right now, so she's free to do what she wants anyway. (But it's even hard on me to write words like motherfucker xD damn it)

I've got a little question though. "Life: documents will live/stay in the system for 60 days. After 60 days, stale documents will be removed. Document Life resets when the document has been edited. "  
Do I have to edit them now every 60 days? I don't quite understand what they mean by "stale documents"... hah. I know I'm a gawk :P

Elster (Magpie)Bird thanks you very much :)

Have a very nice day!


	5. Katarina

Hey there!

Chapter 5 is up! Thank you very much for your reviews, and special thanks to **SheepAmongstWolves12**. Check out this authors stories if you like (I know you do) Everlark :D

It's time to bring some different characters into the story. And finally you'll be able to understand the "mutt-thing" Katniss, Sundower and Rockbell were talking about a little. (Chapter 6 will explain more, though)

I was asked why I named the doctor "Marcow Sundower". Actually, after I realized the similarity from "Everdeen" to "evergreen", I tried to invent a name the same way. And I really love Sunflowers, that's all. And Marcow… I don't know. I didn't even think about that.

So, enough talk. Have fun with the next chapter, **Katniss POV** :D Thank you for reading as always and… Please Review!

If you find spelling mistakes you can keep them ;)

* * *

**Chapter 5: Katarina**

When I awoke from my nightmare, my body was drenched in sweat. I didn't cry this time, nor did I scream. The room I found myself in was dark, but I expected his piercing, blue eyes to light up somewhere in the darkness. I closed my lids again, scared to actually find him beside me. But I was alone; I could only hear my own breath.

What happened? I remembered that he had been here, creeping forward and choking me to death as he reached me. But I came to the conclusion that I was still alive. Did this really happen? I would often have nightmares about him killing me … but this one was different. I recalled his pleasured smile as his fingers found their way to my neck, but at the same time, I could see his worried face as he simply tried to touch my forehead. There were _two_ boys doing different things simultaneously. What a strange dream. What a weird nightmare. What a strange visit, if it ever happened. That blonde simpleton even thought that we were friends. As if he knew! Did I look like I needed friends? The only thing I needed was my home. I wanted to go back home to the Capitol so badly, where everyone was waiting for me! For what reason should I possibly stay here in this dump?

My body felt tired and worn down, but sleep didn't embrace me again this night. I stared at the ceiling and tried to fend off all the thoughts I had which I found very hard tonight. I felt the urge to roam around and track down_ something_. I wanted to slay blindly everything that moved around. This feeling, a remainder of old Katniss, was something I did not welcome. I didn't want to be like this, these thoughts only belonged to '_Katniss_' and not to me. I have been freed. There was no need for me to return to my former self which I despised so much.

'_I am Katarina'_, I thought. '_I have changed. I am not their plaything anymore'._

I repeated those words in my head like some mantra, to keep me from giving in to that other side in me. To keep me from giving in to that temptation of being what I don't want to be.

As soon as the day broke, the female doctor, Rockwell, paid me a visit again like every morning. She asked me some stupid questions I guess, but I didn't listen to her at all. Why should I? Just because she wore a doctor's overall, it didn't mean that I had to do everything she wanted me to.

She sighed after some minutes and I knew that I had done a good job, she's already given up on me for today. She stepped out of the room for a minute and reentered my chamber, being followed by two guards. The taller one opened my fetters and let me walk around freely, just to stretch my muscles a little. It was annoying to lay around all day, so when they came and got me out of my pallet, I actually felt really happy. They even let me go to toilet alone without surveillance for the first time, which relieved me a lot. I felt embarrassed when they followed me everywhere, even though I tried to never let them notice.

After breakfast (they forced me to eat some completely inedible junk) Rockwell told me that she got a visitor waiting for me.

"Screw that" I told her, since I was not interested in any company.

"Come on" she said. "We got you someone to talk who doesn't have anything to do with us nor the games or the capitol. We figured that you might want to talk to someone _normal_."

I held my breath. Actually I really longed for someone to talk about _normal _things. Not about killing and such. I groaned.

"I don't need anyone!" I said but my tone was not as assuring as I wanted me to sound.

"As usual" She answered and nodded to the two watchdogs and they followed her outside after they had put me in my bed and tied me up again.

After few moments I heard a soft knock on my door. I rolled my eyes. As if I could stop them to enter anyway! Why even bother knocking?

"Come in" I said firmly. I kind of wondered who was waiting on the other side for me. I heard the door open but I couldn't see a thing.

"Hello" a thin and shy voice answered. I knew it from somewhere but couldn't remember who it belonged to.

Then blond locks and dark blue eyes came into my sight. She didn't remember me of Peeta, not even a second, even if she looked like she could have been his sister.

"Delly?" I asked stunned, "Delly Cartwright?"  
It must have been her.

"Hey" she began softly and smiled. "You remember me?"

"It would be hard not to." I answered; my tone still friendly. She wasn't a foe, I knew it right away. There were some memories about her, faded and less colorful, less dazzling than the rest, but they existed. I remember her holding a little, white rabbit, I remember her also shouting at some boys who bullied another girl, and I remember something like a funeral where she cried for one of her family. She was definitely not a threat to me.

"Why are you here?" I asked her curious. I haven't seen her in ages.

"Doctor Rockwell asked for someone to volunteer to talk to you a little. Someone who knew you from before. Since I think you're nice, I told them I wanted to meet you."

The girl shrugged, but I knew she was telling me the truth.

"Are they looking for some friends now?" I frowned, but also smiled a little.

Delly shrugged again.  
"They've got nothing better to do, I guess."

"Must be it." I chuckle. The girls smile grew wider.

"You know,…" she began as she shifted around her chair uncomfortably, but couldn't find the right words.

"What?" I asked, since I knew she wanted to ask something but did not dare to.

"I wonder… how come they tied you up like this?" she said aggrieved. "It's like you were some kind of dangerous animal that would assault me at any time. Or some rolled pork."  
She smiled at the last sentence though.

"Do I look like food?" I asked back laughing, not answering the first part of her question. When I did, my voice sounded minacious. "You know, maybe they're right?"  
I grinned. They really seemed to fear me, as if I was some erratic monster.

"Oh well, how could you be so dangerous that they even had to tie your head? You can't even look straight at me."

"They could be afraid of me biting?" I suggested, a naughty grin plastered on my face.

Delly laughed. I wondered for a second if she really found my words that funny. And I wasn't even sure if she was behaving like the Delly I vaguely remember. She seems to be more sarcastic and her humor was drier than I thought.

"Guess you're right" she answered and raised an eyebrow. "Can I touch you?" she asked suddenly with a thin voice.

"Why?" I asked back frowning.

"I want to get rid of that thing on your forehead." She said.

I looked at her, my eyes widened in astonishment. Why would she want to do that? I wondered if she really was okay with it; and if the doctors would have allowed her to do it.

"S…Sure" I replied in surprise. "But don't be shocked if that old hag Rockwell stomps in to bitch at you."

"Like I care" She grinned and grabbed for the belt on my front. Her hands were slightly shaking when she tried to open those damn fetters. She had seemed to be easy around me first, but now I knew that she must have been afraid of me a little. She didn't want to show it and I'm not so sure anymore if I was relieved for her being with me or slightly annoyed, because she acted like she was completely fine.  
She didn't have to be here.  
But she still was.

She freed me, then she propped my head up with a second pillow so I could look at her.

"Thanks" I said earnestly. Delly nodded.

"I'll ask them to stop to enchain you to that extent. It's humiliating."

"Would be great, Delly. It feels, you know, _quite uncomfortable_."

"I see that." She answered with a weak smile as she sat back on her chair. Then both of us grew silent. I wondered when I had seen Delly for the last time. At school?

_What school?_

I shook my head. I was confusing things I guessed. I wanted to ask her, but she already opened her mouth to speak.

"Say, can I ask you something?"

"Go ahead." I allowed.

"I've been told not to mention it but I really want to know. Why can't I call you _Katniss_?"

I wished she didn't ask. As soon as I heard that name, I jumped.  
"_Don't _you dare to insult me!" I hissed wrathfully. Within one second I came to the conclusion that Delly was _not _the nice girl she pretended to be. _Not_ if she called me like that.

"S..Sorry!" she shrieked, her face went deathly pale. "I didn't want to! I mean…"  
She stuttered like a little child. "I just wondered… since no one tells me what's going on!"

"Maybe this is for your own good, before you walk around and offend others, brainless!" I spat. Oh well, basically I was the one offending everyone else. Not that I _did_ care…

"Really sorry…" she repeated in earnest as she continued to excuse her words earlier. "I only know you by this name the… others told me. I really don't know the meaning behind it!"

"Katniss is not my _description_ anymore!" I hissed. "This name is given to monsters, to products. To killing machines only! I know it now, my _friends_ told me everything about!"

"What… What are you talking about?" Delly blinked in disbelief and… _fear_?

"Oh, don't tell me you didn't know?" I sneered. "It's just as I said. They raised me, a mutt, to become a killing machine against the capitol. I was called Katniss Number 12 back then… They threw me into the games to kill the ones who were not able to amuse the audience in the districts. I was there to _spice things up_, you know? This is the truth. Go ask that old hag or _Blondie_, they all know."

"I.. I've never heard of this before" Delly stuttered breathlessly, wide-eyed in shock . It was actually amusing, now that I could see the uneasiness in her glance. I continued.

"After I secretly came back from the games, the districts decided to send Primrose into the next games. The capitol saved me. President Snow saved me back there. How could I let go his grandchild into the fight? I volunteered to go in again, same as _Blondie_. He wanted to finish me off, since he couldn't do it the year before. You should at least know that."

The girl's eyes watered. She was about to cry, I could tell. She must be a really dumb one for not knowing about _Katniss_. Weren't the children told about this?

"Pull yourself together!" I say mercilessly. Now I knew that she annoyed me, I had enough time to sort things out.  
"It's not like you're the victim here, so save your waterworks. Even so, I'm fine. I'm not some mutt anymore. I fight for something else now. I can fight for whatever I believe in. I am no longer a puppet since the capitol gave me a new reason to exist. They gave me a new, _real _name and a new identity. Katarina, not Katniss." I could tell that the blonde girl was overextended by my words for she looked really confused and utterly defeated. "You understand? I'm not a killing monster anymore, at least not for the districts. They must be really ashamed of their doings that they never told the younger generation about it. You probably shouldn't tell anyone that you know about this. You'll get in troubles if you do."

"They… they already do" the girl confessed. "They are listening right now, you know."

Of course they do. They don't know privacy and I remember being filmed for the last two years, maybe even longer. I should have known that they did it again. I completely forgot about it.

_Well, now I'm pissed._

"Get out!" I spat. I had enough conversation for the day and the longer I looked at her blue eyes, the more confused I got. This girl got me talking and I hate her for this. "I don't want to see you anymore."

She got up from her chair without another word. She looked shocked. Or even sad?  
"Okay" she answered woefully. "Bye…. _Kat_."

Was it short for Katniss or Katarina? She confused me even more.  
"_Get lost already!_"

Delly waved at me , then opened the door and just before she disappeared from my sight, my words stumble out of my mouth.

"Come again."

_I'm so stupid._

-.-

Why the hell did I say something as stupid as _'come again'_?

If I wasn't tied to this bed, I would have hit myself really hard. But I realized after this talk that I needed some company, even if I didn't want to see anyone. I hated to admit it, but I still know that it was the truth. After Delly's visit, Rockwell let me be alone until noon so I could calm down a little. I also figured that they hadn't found any more volunteers to face me. It was quite understandable since I scared everyone off and I was really proud of that. So why did I tell her to come again? It made me seem so … weak and vulnerable. _I hate it_.

But I was wrong. Around five or six o'clock they wanted to send me a visitor again. I had a premonition of it since my vision got all blurry, this had happened a lot before they brought someone in. The machines provided me with morphling again and after some short moments I was cold out.

When I reopened my eyes, I realized that I wasn't alone in the room. I knew this would happen so I wasn't really surprised by it. I expected to see the blue eyes I thought I had seen in the darkness this morning. Blue flames I searched for in the night.  
This time I found them, except that it was afternoon now and the room well-lit, so those eyes weren't glowing in murderous intent I thought they were. They weren't shining through the dark like cat eyes but sparkling, blue, icy, and - I was sure of it - deadly.  
I felt anguish creeping up my spine. He sat so close by my side; he could touch me at any time. But he just stared down at me, not even blinking.

"Hi" he murmured. I bit on my lower lip trying to suppress my fear and stop my body from my upcoming tremble.

"Fuck off!" I hiss, even my voice was shaking.

"I can't" he answered.

"Of course you do!" I nagged angrily.

"No, seriously. _I can't_!" He wriggled on his chair. I discovered that he was also tied to his seat next to me. "You see?"

I blinked confused.  
"Why did they tie a dork like you up?" I asked curiously. He simply smiled at me.

"I asked them to. I thought you would feel… _safe_ if they did."

I laughed nervously as I registered every word.  
"I don't fear you." I said, but my voice betrayed me since long ago.

"I know you do. You dread me to the smallest fiber of your being. I scare you so much, you would pass out if I got closer to you, but I still don't know _why_."

He hit the bull's-eye. I hated to admit it, but this boy was the scariest thing I've ever met. I frowned and gave him a killing glance.

"I just guessed you would be willing to talk to me, if I couldn't do anything to harm you. I hope you would trust me a little, since we're now in the same situation." He said and put his cards on the table.

"We are _not_!" I growled. "I'll never be the same like you in any way! You are just a despicable jerk!"

"So are _you_. The you _now_" he answered coldly. I wanted to spit in his stupid face as I realized that it was impossible since they had enchained my head again. At least I knew now why they tied me like this in the first place. I had spat at Finnick when I met him and I got full marks from it.  
I narrowed my eyes to slits. "Just don't try to touch me."

"What part of _I can't_ did you not understand?"

"Well I don't trust you. Maybe you're just pretending to be tied up? Are you waiting for me to lower my guard? Come on, move your hands you bastard."

"Lower your guard? Even if I attacked you now, you couldn't do anything to protect yourself, don't you? Why are you still pretending like you're the immune one?" he laughed and I could tell that all my blood rushed to my cheeks. He was totally right and I hated him because he told me about my position so nonchalantly.

"Just shut up, okay?" I yelled at him, deeply embarrassed. Yet I felt vulnerable again.

But the boy did not want to stop talking. He continued and I couldn't do anything to keep his mouth shut.  
"Anyway, I can't move a finger. You trust me on that?" he asked almost friendly.

"No." I answered honestly and before my words even seemed to reach his ear, I heard a deep sigh and after a loud thud next to me. Blondie had disappeared from my sight once more.

"What the hell? What are you doing!" I shrieked, when I heard him coughing from almost under my bed.

This made me fear him even more. No, I was scared shitless since I didn't know what he was doing to me now. "What are you up to?" I asked in fear.

"Nothing. Just kissing the floor" he answered sarcastically. He had overturned his chair and crashed himself to the floor, unable to get up again since they even tied his ankles to the chair legs.

"You believe me now?" he asked and he sounded like he was in pain. "I can't get up, shit."

I snorted in disbelief.  
"Are… are you stupid?" I asked him dismissive.

"Depends on the point of view. But I proved you, right?" he asked hopefully.

"You just convinced me that you're more of a fool than I had expected you to be" I answered coolly, fighting against my upcoming delight.

"Ouch" He sighed. "And there I go and try to impress you a little."

I snorted amused and rolled my eyes. "Well, this had backfired dumbass."

Now he laughed. At least I thought he did and it sounded friendlier than I had expected him to be.

"So, how was your day sweetie?"

* * *

It seemslike Delly grows to an important character. What do you think? And how did you like this chapter? Katniss seemed to be kind of friendly, at least a little bit. I will tell you soon why :)

Please don't misunderstand, she still hates Peeta. But he has his own way to get through to her, you see :)

Actually, I don't want Delly and Peeta to be out of character. Why both of them act (or try to act) coolly you'll soon understand. Sundower will tell you :D (But actually I think it's the ony way to get through to her… duh.)

So I wanted to ask you.. does anyone want to **help me rewrite the first chapter**? It seems to be rather confusing (It even confuses myself) and I don't want the first chapter to be chasing away all the new readers… I'd be very happy if someone volunteered to :D (Take Delly as an example, please :D)

Also I heard that a lot of stories will be taken down from this . Is that true? I hope not!

Please leave some reviews. It makes me update faster because I'm so happy ;) no joking!

Have a nice day,** I love you all!**

**Elsterbird**

(Toast)


	6. Perfectly brainwashed

Chapter 6!Thank you very much for reading until now! And thank you for more than 400 hits on chapter 5 alone! When I read the few reviews thought there are only 3 or 4 people reading this.. I'm happy that I was wrong :)

After this chapter (I hope so) you'll get the picture. The 'therapy' begins after this one ;-) So please, enjoy!

(Oh, and did I tell you that I love Peeta? He's such a sensitive and loving idiot. Hah.)

* * *

**Chapter 6: Perfectly brainwashed**

We did not talk for a long time. When Katniss realized that I was no threat to her, still laying on the cold floor and not able to get up without help, she grew awkwardly silent. I asked her about what she remembered and if the doctors have treated her well, but I never got a reply out of her. I figured that she had fallen asleep but Dr. Sundower told me later that she was just staring at the ceiling, totally ignoring my very presence.  
When doctor Sundower asked me through my almost invisible earphone if I wanted to retreat, I simply nodded. I knew he saw me anyway; there was no need for talking and I didn't want Katniss to think that I got instructions from the docs. She hated them.

After few minutes Marcow entered the room and freed me from my chair. I gasped since I did not want to scare off Katniss, who would definitely cry in fear if she saw me without any fetters, but fortunately she was already asleep now.

"I gave her Morphling, don't worry. She's not going to wake up now" He answered my question before I could even ask him. I nodded and scrubbed my neck. My face was hot and my head felt slightly dizzy. It was a stupid idea to prove her that I was defenseless also, but at least I heard her laugh for the first time in weeks or even months, so I decided that it has been worth it.

I followed Sundower out of Katniss' room but not without glancing back at her. She looked peaceful now; her bruises mostly healed and color back in her cheeks. She almost looked like _normal _again, like the Katniss I had known for a long time. However, this girl in front of me was lost, nothing more than a memory. I didn't want to believe it, though. She _made _me believe it, the way she looked at me. Staring. Glaring. Hating. She told me every second that she despised me and that she feared me more than anything or anyone else in this world.

Truth be told, if I still had tears left in me, this would have been the time to shed them. Seeing her like this was the worst torture ever.

"You did a good job today, boy." Sundower began.

"Maybe." I cleared my throat.

"No, seriously. She gave you a hard time again; you sure you're alright?" he asked me pitying and his look was dead serious. I looked at him spiritlessly. Why did he pity me? I did not want to be pitied.

"Apparently I'm better than her. And it looks like it will stay like this forever." I told him sadly. Even if I was going to die or something, my condition would probably be better than hers. She seemed to be past remedy.

He patted my shoulder. "I'm sorry kid. I wished I could do more for the both of you. Doctor Rockwell, I and our team are trying our best."

"I know." I said with a crestfallen voice. I wanted _her _back so badly. Why couldn't Snow take me instead of her? Why couldn't I have been in her place?

"She didn't deserve all of this." I said.

"No one does." Marcow stated. "But what's happened has happened. We can't make it undone. Like we can't make it undone that 23 girls and boys are forced to go, kill and die for the capitol every year on television. The world is cruel, you should know best."

"The capitol's cruel. Not the world itself." I disagreed. "That's why Rue saved Katniss in the arena. That's why Katniss mourned her death. That's why Thresh didn't kill Katniss when he had the time and opportunity to do it. That's why Finnick brought someone like me back to life in an arena where we should have killed each other. Everything's the capitols fault. If it wasn't for Snow, we could all be safe and probably happy."

Sundower stared at me and I knew that he agreed with everything I said. I clenched my fists.  
"I wished they had taken me instead."

"No. I don't." he answered calmly.

"Why?" I asked as I bit my lower lip. I would have been the better choice; I was not needed by anyone. So _why_?

"Because you _love_ her. I don't want to say that she didn't love you too, since no one knows, but.."

"She didn't." I cut him off. "She didn't love me. She loved Gale."

"But _you love her_." He began again with firm voice. "You love her more than anyone else, don't you."

This was not a question but an obvious fact.  
"I do."

"I don't know what we can do for her. But if she really can't find back to us anymore, maybe she'll find back to your love."

"You make it sound like there were still wonders left in here." I answered him coolly, but clearly touched by his previous words.

"There still are, son. I may know a lot about people and their psyche or their bodies, but love's always an unknown within our arithmetic. Even I don't know - and therefore I can't tell you - what incredible effect love can have on people."

I nodded in silence. He could have had a point there…

"With you, at least, we have a little chancefor her to remember what's important to her. I'll also ask Gale for his assistance later, but first I want to try it with you, since she reacts to you more than to anyone."

Of course I agreed instantly. If there was even the slightest chance of her coming back to us, to _me_, I would be willing to do everything in my might. I swallowed hard.

"When can I see her next?" I asked.

"Soon enough. First I want to inform you about our latest results. I want to hear your opinion."

I frowned. This was the first time I had been asked for anything, let alone being informed. "Sure."

The man led me into another room. From here you could observe Katniss in her room without being noticed by her. I let my eyes roam over her fragile and small body. Ever since her torture in the capitol she hasn't been allowed to move around a lot. Her skin was still pale without the sun tanning her. Her muscles had degenerated and now her body seemed to be more delicate than ever. Even so, she looked absolutely beautiful to my eyes. This was the ultimate thing that would never change. I loved her so much, no matter how she looked like, no matter how she felt about me. No matter how insane she was. I wanted her to be mine. Mine alone.

"Sit down, Peeta." Dr. Sundower offered me a chair by his side, but I declined. I chose a seat face to face with him instead so I could watch over the love of my life. The doctor did not feel offended about this; he simply nodded and sat down as well. He waited for a second until I felt able to avert my eyes from her sleeping figure.

"She met Delly Cartwright today." he said. "I heard she's a friend of yours?"

I stared at him in surprise. "Delly? How come?"

"We were looking for someone who had known Katniss from before the games. Someone who did not come in contact with the capitol at all. Let's say this was a little nice experiment and the results rendered us all rather speechless.

"What happened?" I asked, remembering how Katniss had _greeted_ me the first time or what had happened with Finnick. Delly was such an adorable and nice girl, I didn't think she would be able to bear with _this _Katniss. I imagined how she had rolled herself in a ball by now, deciding to never leave her bed again. She wasn't really strong that girl.

"Actually, nothing happened." He answered truthfully. "They talked as if they were friends in the beginning. Until Delly asked her why she was not allowed to call her Katniss of course."

I was surprised. The only one who would be able to get through to her had been her own sister, Primrose Everdeen. And Katniss loved her, more than her own life. We all knew.

"What's the meaning of all this?" I asked him stunned.

"My colleague Dr. Rockwell and my humble self, discussed about this for hours and we might have found an important piece of information."

For the next few minutes he showed me the conversation between the two girls who have been recorded. I had to admit that Delly sounded really brave back there. She was cynical even. I figured that she had been told the same things like I was.

"_When you both meet, speak in low, calm voice. Try to please her. Talk to her as if you accept everything she says and pretend to be on her side." Rockwell had told me._

"_I __**am**__ on her side" _

"_Of course you are. But she thinks you're helping us doctors and not her. Even if you have to insult us, bear with it and play cool. She won't accept you otherwise. _

And they were right. I was sure, if Delly had talked to her (like she did normally) with her ridiculously high pitched voice, _this_ Katniss would have slapped her in the face immediately had it not been for her fetters.

"Delly sounds kind of scary." I said when I heard her saying that she didn't care about Dr. Rockwell. I smiled weakly. Why are all girls around me changing into someone else? At least it relieves me to know that Delly would be able to go back to her normal attitude again after this, unlike Katniss.  
"_Get lost already!_" she yelled at Delly and that startled me, then Dr. Sundower stopped the tape.

I couldn't believe what I just heard. I was almost unable to even breathe. How could she think she was a mutt? How could she believe Snow's twisted truth?

"Oh my god." I choked out, my eyes widened. I got a picture now of how bad her condition was. She wasn't Katniss anymore. She believed in a past that never existed.

_She's a stranger._

And all of it made it even harder to believe that Katniss actually remembered Delly. In a friendly manner even.

"It's horrible, I know. But this conversation helps us a lot. I think we know now what the capitol did to her."

I swallowed hard again. I might not have been ready for hearing what he wanted to tell me. If I think about it I guess I'll never even be close to _be ready_ for this.

"I've never seen a case like her, Peeta." Sundower began.  
"She's different from all the patients I had in the capitol."

"The capitol?" I interrupted. "You worked for _them_?"

"I did. For more than seven years actually. I lived in District five first and I got to the capitol by chance. I worked there as a researcher and was quite… _important_. Then they reaped my little brother four years ago and died at the cornucopia. Since that time I secretly started to work for the rebels. I was there when we got you out of the arena, boy."

"I.. I didn't know" I stuttered. I haven't even thanked him for my rescue.

"It's okay."

"It's not okay. Really, thank you."

"Like I said. It is." He repeated and began his story anew. "Usually hijacked people try to kill themselves as soon as they realize that they don't know what or who they are anymore. They suspect that something's wrong, that someone had messed with their brains. It's the scariest thing you could imagine. You not only lose your entire family and your friends, but you lose yourself. You lose you past, your present and your future, along with your sanity. If the capitol takes everything away from you, you are going to die within two days. Three days at most if you're really strong or extremely unlucky. But look at her."  
He pointed to the window.  
"She's different from all the other cases and we wondered why. I have to admit but I guess this might be Snow's masterpiece."

_Did he say masterpiece?_

"Look Peeta, I'll try to explain it to you. Please think about Katniss. When you do, what do you feel?" he asked.

"I love her." I replied quickly as a shot. Sundower smiled approvingly.

"Would you say she has a deep effect on you? Do you feel strongly about her?"

I blushed. "Of course. I care about her more than anyone else."

The doctor nodded.  
"What do you feel about Snow?" he continued.

I didn't see his point, but answered anyway. "I hate him with all I got."

"You would consider it as a strong … emotion?"

"Definitely yes. Sometimes I'm even afraid that this hatred would take me over." I admitted.

"Don't take it to heart. You're not the only one who feels like that. Let's continue from a different point of view. What do you think Katniss feels about Primrose, her sister?" he said as he grabbed paper and pen to write down what we collected.

"_She would die for her." _I said.

"Apparently. Strong feeling?"

"Yeah."

"Well, how about hunting? I heard she was used to the woods quite a bit."

"She liked hunting I guess. She did it to ensure her family's survival. But I'm sure that she enjoyed hunting too. She needed the feeling of freedom, even if just a little."

"Strong feeling?"

"I guess…" I replied. I knew that she liked to roam around in the forest, but I wasn't sure if I could address it as a strong _emotion_.

"Well you see. This is exactly what they did to her, Peeta."

He handed me his paper, he had written down all the things that had mattered or were related to Katniss in any way. Definitions that somehow '_touched_' her or made her feel _anything_.

Katniss

Primrose

Parents

Peeta

Gale

Haymitch

All the other tributes and Victors

Snow

Blood

Cinna

Hunting

Arrows and Bow

Hunger

The woods

Roses

District 12

Coal and mines

Fire

Capitol

Mockingjay

Games

Bread

"There are a lot more of course. But you do agree that she would feel something when hearing those words, am I right?"

I read everything and I agreed. Even I felt something when I let my eyes fly over those letters.  
**Hunger. **_I see her sitting in the rain, leaning on a tree, dead waiting on her threshold. I throw the bread to save her. She looks at me with her piercing but beautiful grey eyes.  
_**Arrows and bow.** _Katniss looks so stunning when she pulls the bowstring back to her red lips, almost erotic.  
_**The Games.** _Where we lay in the cave, huddled against each other, her tender lips and soft body meeting mine…_

"Even I feel something when reading" I admitted, swallowing hard again. Without thinking I added '_green_' to the list. The capitol wouldn't know this one, but it didn't matter.

"We think that Snow didn't simply try to erase her memories like he did to all the other prisoners and guinea pigs. He _switched_ them. They took everything what Katniss would think about and modify it to something different. It's not that she lost all of her feelings like that – they were just replaced, conditioned to other things. Can you follow me?"

I shook my head. I thought I understood what he wanted to convey to me, but I couldn't make a picture out of it.

"Take Snow for an example. She hates him as you do. He did not erase the fact, that she's thinking about him with all she has. He just changed the nature of her feeling towards him. It's much easier for her to believe, that Snow was a person that really mattered in her live. A beloved person, than erase him or just giving him the role of the "president". You see how she loves Primrose, right? There's no way to erase this kind of love, without her noticing it. Without her thinking that something's not alright. So Primrose becomes the granddaughter of her savior, Snow. She totally thinks that everything they told her was the truth. She doesn't suspect anything; you can call it a perfect brainwash."

"So they combined her old feelings with new situations?" I tried to couch it in my own words.

"Exactly."

"She liked hunting before. It was something comforting to her and her body remembers how to track animals, how to shoot an arrow, how to kill for food. They leaned on her so she would think, she liked and used to hunt down people. And she _certainly_ has memories of it, shooting an arrow at the District one and two kids in the arena, remember? They messed with her mind and let her believe that she was "Katniss Number twelve". And it sounded true to her ears, since Katniss was her own name and she was born, raised and reaped in District twelve. She was even called twelve in the games. She feels something when thinking of this number. That's how she's come to believe it."

"She thinks she's a killing machine." I told myself absent-mindedly. "They made her believe that…"

I couldn't stand it. What the fuck have they done to her? She made her believe that she was a cold and merciless killer? I hid my face behind my eyes and tried to blind the world out for a second. It all made sense, everything she said. Snow would have twisted her feelings for me, too. She hated me. She feared me.

"How could I possibly bring her back?" I asked helplessly. "There's no way that she would think about me as a friend ever again. She _dreads_ me! She won't come back at this rate. I must let her know what had happened to her. She must realize that they messed her mind."

"No. Don't ever think about doing that. It's far too early for her to know about it. It will break her mind. It might destroy her, so please, don't."

I leaned my head on the cool table. No way. No way. No way.

"What can I do against her fears?" I whispered devastated.  
"I don't know, boy. But if there's anything in this world stronger than _dread_, I'd say it was love."

_But she doesn't love me. It's just me who cannot forget about her. _I didn't say it, though. I was so pathetic.

"Now I think about it again you even got a point in saying it was better if you god hijacked instead of her." The doctor said and pressed two fingers into the bridge of his nose, allowing his eyes to close momentarily.

" I'm sure the capitol would only have hijacked you for one purpose; that you would forget everything about Katniss and try to kill her. This alone might have been enough torture for her to render unable to stay our Mockingjay. But this would have been all. No offence, but you are not as important as her, you know? At least not for the rebellion. I'm sure your hijacking would have been weaker than hers. But this is about Katniss. Snow wanted her to forget about everything and everyone, and not just about a single person, so they have taken a lot of effort to bring her to this condition. We figured that she wouldn't know about Delly, since the capitol did not know about her either. They are not able to change anything in Katniss they don't know about, right? Her abrasiveness by the way is explained by her confusion and all the hormones pumped into her body, so she wouldn't interact with the people unknown to the capitol. Snow just intended to render her completely useless for us and the rebellion and they did their job really well. They've never planned to kill her, or make her killing herself. She's just another message to us."

Dr. Marcow handed me a silky wristband. I read the lines twice and I immediately knew that it was Snow's doing. It made me sick imagining how he had enjoyed it _"preparing"_ his message – his present – for us. And it made me feel sick even more when I thought about his smiling face, pleased that he had achieved his goals.

"They really should have taken me." I answered numbly as I gave it back to him. He let it vanish into his pocket again.  
"How to go on now? If I can't tell her about what had happened to her, how should I get her back?"

Marcow leaned back into his chair and sighed.

"Try to earn her trust?" The doctor suggested as he shook his head. "I really don't know to help her at this rate. But she'll need someone beside her if we want her to fight off the venom and her hallucinations. The day might come where we can tell her the truth, but she definitely will need someone she trusts to support her."

"And you think I was the right one to become this person?" I asked sadly.

"You got the strongest reactions out of her so you must have been really important to her. Even if it wasn't lov-"

"It wasn't." I chipped in again before he could finish what he wanted to say and assured him of this fact: "It's _Gale_."

"Even _if_ she wasn't in love with you, I want you to be her beacon. I want_ you_ to guide her. This is _your_ task."

Once again I pressed my palms into my face to blend the world out. "I don't know… if I can do this." I stuttered doubtful.  
"You can. You must. And you _will_, boy."

I tilted my head and looked at him with distrust. He did not convince me at all.

"You know this girl the best right now. Think about something you could talk to her about. Get closer to her. I'm sure you can do at least this." He took the paper and pen from me and put it back into his jacket. I realized he wanted to end this conversation anytime soon. But I didn't let him make this decision alone.

"I'd like to, but… _Gale_ knows her way better and longer than I do." I admitted, not willing to let our talk end. I didn't like the thought of both of them, Katniss and Gale, being alone together, but if It helped Katniss, I would have borne it.

"Oh, stop with your stupid _Gale here, Gale there_, will you?" Dr. Sundower snapped. "You are here and I especially asked _you_ to do this, alright? No offense, but I don't want to listen to your self-pitying anymore, it's literally a pain in the ass."

Self-pity. I was ashamed that he called it like that, but he had his point. I felt inferior to her friend when it came to Katniss' feelings, because I knew that she needed him. If I really got her to find back to us, she would go to his side. I knew, because it's Katniss we were talking about. She would come to me, if she needed me for something. I knew all about it, but I couldn't bring me to push her out of my heart, since it belonged to her since I was a child. There was no way of giving up on her. And if she didn't need my heart, I wouldn't have any use for it either…

I shook my head. "Sorry. I'll try to watch my words." I pressed out. "Will you still do me a favor?"

"Depends." He answered as he got up. His voice got soft and friendly again.

"See Gale. There's something he has to do for me and I'm sure he'll do it, if you are the one to ask."

"Ask about _what_?"

"I need him to go to the woods."

* * *

Now that we all understand what happened, let the story begin :) Poor Peeta, poor Katniss. But I really think that if Katniss had been the hijacked one, they would have messed with her mind more than Peeta's.

I really hope you got it... It was SO hard to write this one! Sorry again for my terrible English. I'm trying my best but It's not easy to convey everything like I want to. I've never studied English in University or something so I know It's pretty bad, but I'm really trying!

What do you think about this chapter? If you have ideas or whishes what should definitely happen, please tell me :) I don't have any plans about the story. I'm just… writing.

(Haha the chapters are getting longer and longer, have you noticed?)

**Katpee everlark**: Thank you for review :) I try to upload as fast as possible.

**Swiftie4x:** You give me courage to write, thank you :D I hope Katniss will get better soon, too…

**Goddess of the sands:** I think so too :D I am so happy to write the next chapters, I tell you.

Thank you for your Reviews!

Elsterbird (Toast)


	7. Just one small finger

Hey my friends :-)

Chapter seven! It took me so long to write it, I'm very sorry. I also know that this might not be the best one, since it's very hard for me to write fluent conversations. But I hope you like it anyway.

I really love Peeta. He's such a great character. I wished I would meet someone like him, too. Boys out there, you will have it hard from now on! Because most of the girls out there might compare you now to Peeta. It's like a Peeta-scale. If you get a 10, you're Peeta! If you get 1, you might be Cray.

Anyway, just enjoy the next chapter. I'd be glad if you left a review behind, I wonder how you think the story will go on.

Peeta POV!

* * *

**Chapter 7: Just one small finger**

Four days passed and nothing really noteworthy happened. Katniss refused to talk to me most of the time and she pretended to not listening to me at all. Howewer I had realized soon enough that she just had put up a big front; every time when I told her something about Primrose, her fingers would start to twitch slightly. I retold her the story of how Prim got her goat, Lady. I remembered how we laid in the cave one year ago, when she said the very same words to me. I hoped she would remember something, but it turned out that her torturers even got hold of this memory. Once again she accused me to be a filthy liar and I knew that there was no need for me to deepen that bad impression, so I stopped.

I knew that Katniss never felt save, even when I was tied to my chair and unable to reach her. I terrified her and I'm sure that it must have been a real torture for her having me around. Torturing her was the last thing I wanted to do, but Dr. Sundower told me that it was necessary. This treatment was called "flooding" that is a form of behavior therapy, based on the principles of respondent conditioning. It was used to treat phobia and anxiety disorders and worked by exposing the patient to their painful memories; me.

We hoped that she would get used to me, so that I could go into her room without being detained by fetters. When we tried this, unfortunately, we had to find out that she was not ready for this step. As soon as I got into her room she started yelling at me, cursing, and in the end even crying. Before I could manage to get out of her sight, she completely broke down. Sundower told me that she had suffered a serious seizure so I wasn't allowed to meet her for whole two days.

I guess it wasn't easy for both of us. I really hurt Katniss when I was around her and she hurts me by not wanting me to. She bruised me – I bruised her. I couldn't stand that thought.

Sundower and I would sit together often, discussing our next steps. Elizabeth Rockwell would join us sometimes, but most of the time she was just too busy and spent her time with other patients like Johanna and Annie. I've visited Johanna only twice. She told me about the torture in the Capitol, how they had beaten her, Katniss and Annie up, how they let them starve and how they never let them sleep. This was the worst part of all.

"_And one day they came and took Katniss away. She never returned after this so I figured that they had killed her accidentally."_ she had told me. _"I only knew days later that she was still alive, as I heard some peacekeepers talk 'bout the _Girl on Fire_ and her '_progress_'. That's all."_

We now all knew the meaning behind their words.  
Snow weakened her body before he attacked her mind. They've planned it, those bastards.

I've never visited Annie since I haven't met her before. I knew she was Finnick's girl and I thought it's better to wait until he would decide to introduce us. All I knew about her was that she was the victor of the 70th annual Hunger Games and went insane in the process. If she had been treated as bad as Johanna and Katniss had been, I was sure that she must have been in a horrible state. Therefore as soon as Finnick was allowed to see her, he stopped coming over to see me completely. I wasn't offended by this, since I knew he would be spending every second possible by her side. Frankly speaking I envied him. Annie hadn't been hijacked, she recognized Finnick and she did not fear him. That's all I could wish for by now.

These days I got in a serious argument with Coin and Plutarch. Since the Mockingjay's _disabled_, like they called it, they were in need of a new face for the rebellion. It's not hard to come to the conclusion that I was their first choice. I didn't believe that it was even possible to just _switch _from one face, one symbol to another, but I had really underestimated their inventive talent.

"We want te people to know what happened to your wife. How the Capitol has destroyed her and how both of you are trying to recover now. I want you to tell the people out there to fight for their loved ones, before the Capitol takes them away." Coin told me with a keen smirk. I was sure she was happy to work with me instead of Katniss, since I was good with words and had my own ways to convince everybody of my convictions. I was the perfect man for her.

But I hated the way she looked at me and tried to use me as well as Katniss for her plans. I refused to help them first, but they promised me to do everything in their might to ensure Katniss' life, no matter how she turned out. It wasn't enough for me, I neither wanted to be used nor stir up a war against the Capitol which would take a lot of innocent lives. But if I did refuse their request, they would stop treating Katniss in an instant, so I didn't have a choice, did I?

We discussed for two days, the days I wasn't allowed to meet Katniss anyway. So after my involuntary absence, Coin had me to shoot my first propo. They had put Katnis to sleep so I could go and touch her freely while filming or so they say. They let me free her from all her fetters which had to be hided under the blanket, so no one would see it.

The really ridiculous thing was that they even got a prep team for Katniss, to style her and paint fake bruises on her entire body. It made me sick, but I didn't step in as I knew that Coin would be displeased if I did. And I didn't want to make her angry since I – unfortunately – was dependent on her assistance and subject to her strict regulations. However, when one of those guys even suggested parching a small part of her hair to make her look more authentic, I couldn't hold off myself. I grabbed him by the scruff of his neck and threw him out immediately.

_Who do they think they are?_

At least the camera team seemed to be nice. Cressida, the director, seemed to be a nice and friendly woman. She even complained when she eyed the prep team's doing.

"What the hell is _this_?" she asked and pointed to Katniss' lower lip. It looked like it was split and bloody.

"That girl's been here for weeks! Why do they think she would look like _that_? Are they serious?"

It looked like it was us who had beaten her to pulp. We had no choice but to pretend that she had been retrieved just a few hours before. And with this, our plans were changed immediately and I had to realize that this won't be the last propo for me.

I got a bad feeling about being in front of a camera again. Some would say that I had gotten used to it, being a tribute and victor and such, but that's not true. I wonder how Caesar Flickermann did it. He really must be in love with the stage.

Fortunately no one gave me guidelines on what I had to say in the propo. I should do it freely since they trusted in my ability of absorbing every one with my words.

"_This is Peeta Mellark, victor of the 74__th__ Hunger Games and survivor of the third Quarter Quell_", I began. I sat on my chair next to sleeping Katniss and my eyes only left the camera to connect with her closed ones. Cressida, the person in charge for the filming would ask me some questions sometimes and I tried to answer them without using simple 'yes and no' answers. I talked a lot and I was sure that everything would be cut together as they wanted anyway.

After this I felt exhausted. Really exhausted. So I got back into my room and called it for a night. It was around five o'clock perhaps.

The next day I was called to see Katniss again. Sundower wanted to give it another try. This time, however, he said he wanted me to be '_free but defenseless_'. It turned out that he had tied me to my chair again but left my left arm free. Instead of this arm, my shoulder was fettered hard, so I couldn't move a lot. I felt really skeptical. Would Katniss feel safe with this change? Not that she had been feeling safe anyway. I had to be careful.

I was ready and set, and waited for Sundower to let the machines inject her some clear liquid that made her wake from her comatose slumber.  
The girl groaned when she came to and I waited for her to adapt to my presence before I spoke up. I was a little scared to meet her again, since the last encounter had ended terribly. When she opened her eyes and saw me sitting beside her, she let out a groan again and rolled her eyes.

"You?" She asked with a cracked voice that went over to a nasty hiss. "Can't you just leave me alone?"

"Good morning to you too, sleepyhead." I answered frowning.

She let out a small snort. "You know, I wouldn't sleep If you assholes would not drug me all the time."

I shrugged.  
"We have no other choice. How could I possibly enter your room if you weren't sleeping?" I asked her.

"That's easy. Just don't come." Now it was me who let out a snort.

"I'm sorry, but I won't let you have that."

She went back to keep silent and began staring at the ceiling. She would do it for hours, I knew, but I didn't want her to slip out of our conversation already.

"You know, if I wanted to kill you, I would have done it while you were sleeping. I know you're smart, but when it comes to this…" I grew silent too. Was I acting too cold right now? But my words were true, so what should I have done instead? Surprisingly her eyes flickered back to meet mine, musing.

"Oh, shut up" she began finally, her eyebrows furred in confusion. "I don't know what sick game you're playing, but count me out of it. You seem to be pretty smart too, so why don't you get it that I don't wish to see you? I told you to leave clearly, but all you do is continue to come over and harass me all day. I hate you for this."

"I don't care" I answered. "I just want to be here and definitely won't go before we can have a normal conversation at least."

"This _is_ a normal conversation, asshole! For me, it is! So why won't you go now before I beat the crap out of you!" she hissed, her eyes fighting against mine.

I laughed. "Sure. Sure you will, come on! Hit me, sweetheart" I challenged.

With this, I got her even more upset than I thought I could. Her cheeks burned with anger she literally showed me her teeth.

"You are funny, you know?" I started amused. "Telling me stuff like this, even when I am in advantage right now."

"Oh yeah?" she asked back, "Show me you punk!"

She didn't have to ask me twice. I lifted my left hand and the look on her face dropped immediately.

"You.. You're.." she started and her face grew pale.

I put my hand back in an instant.  
"It's only this arm", I tried to calm her, but the look in her eyes showed me that she actually was terrified.

"Don't worry. I won't hurt you. You can trust me. I promise."

Katniss wrinkled her nose in disgust. "Trust _you_?" she spat.

"Yeah, that's what I promised."

"Oh well. I take promises very seriously…. Then I won't call you names anymore. I _promise" _She snarled ironically before adding "Asshole."

I laughed. "Really, I won't do anything. Compared to you, I keep my promises, you know?"

"Your word doesn't count. At least not for me." She grumbled gruffly.

I didn't take her for real now; all she did and said was leaving me with a small but genuine smile.  
"I will make it count" I whispered softly.

She huffed again and tried to avoid my glance. She hadn't passed out by now, even If I was able to reach for her. I took it as a good sign.

"Hey Katniss", I began again after minutes of silence. She didn't react to my voice and just kept staring holes in the air. It startled me, since I expected her to react to the name. She still hated me calling her _Katniss_, but I swore I definitely wouldn't start to call her Katarina. I didn't want Snow to win. Never.

Even when I repeated calling her name, she pretended that my voice wouldn't reach her, which surprised me first; but I knew better.  
"If you keep ignoring me, I swear, I will show you my left hand again" I dared her. I won this battle because her eyes darted back to me immediately.

"You said ... you _promised_ that you wouldn't…" she croaked. And then she clenched her teeth as if she said something she did not intend to. Her words didn't go unnoticed.

"There I was thinking that you didn't care 'bout promises" I observed. "And by the way, I promised that you could trust me. And I promised to not _hurt_ you. And I didn't. I never would."

She frowned again and her eyes grew darker by the minute. I guessed she remembered something about me, something _artificial_, but I didn't ask her about it. She looked like she was in an argument within herself. Her fingers began to tremble.

"Are you okay?" I asked her worriedly.

"Do I look like I was?" She hissed, her eyes full of anger. "Look at me and tell me what you think! I am a prisoner, locked into this room, tied to this bed and unable to move. I get drugged permanently, I am toyed around like some lousy guinea pig and get forced to trust liars like you! So, fucking tell me, do I look _okay_?"

"No, you don't" I told her after I let that girl's words sink. "But you're wrong. I am not here to _force _you to trust me. I want to _gain_ your trust."

"I can't see the difference." she growls. I was sure she wasn't blind.

"Yes you do. It's here" I said and put my free hand over my heart as I closed my eyes. Of course I couldn't confess my affection towards her again just yet. She would never believe me if I told her. And she would refuse to talk to me forever, it's a fact I couldn't deny. But I wanted to convey her how important she was for me. I would have died for her in a blink if this was required to safe this girl.

"I don't understand" she stated and looked away again.

"You do. I know you do."

It was a dead end. What could I have done to convince her that I didn't mean any harm for her? Talking would not help anymore, I was sure of that. She would just shut everyone out of her little, warped world, where's no possibility to reach her. Not with words though, but actions seem to speak louder than words in this case. What could I possibly lose since I've got nothing anyway?

I gulp.

At least It was worth giving it a try.

"Hey Sweetheart" I asked again and now she listened to me from the start.

Maybe I still had something to lose. Her attention maybe. I could tell she reacted so fast, because she still was scared shitless. She hid it really well behind uncountable layers, but I saw through her. Okay, I admit, she was drenched in cold sweat. This let me see through her mask, but anyway.

"What would you do, if I touched your hand?" I asked her huskily.

Her eyes widened.

"You wouldn't dare to..!" she shrieked and she seemed to freak out any second.

"Then what's the deal?" I asked again. "One finger. Just one, small finger. Why would you be afraid of it?"

"I am _not_ afraid!" She clarified, but we both knew that it was a lie. She had always been a terrible liar anyway, not to speak of her lack of acting talent, and even the Capitol couldn't change this fact.

"Yes you are. Terrified even. So I ask you again. Can I touch you?"

"NO!" She yelped and tried to jump up, but it was impossible thanks to her fetters that hold her back. I felt sorry for her, however, decided to stay grim.

"Why can't I?" I asked her with a firm voice. I wouldn't accept any reason until she told me why she thought that my finger was this dangerous to her.

"I just don't want to!" she exclaimed.

"I am not satisfied with this kind of answer. Are you afraid? Of my _pinky_?"

She bit on her lower lip. Of course it was only a finger that would leave a small, faint touch on her skin. She didn't want to touch me, obviously, and she didn't want to be touched either. But she clearly had to admit to herself, that my finger was not a threat to her.

"I .. I am not afraid" she got out and to my surprise she actually stuttered. "I just.. I just hate it, being touched."

"When we met in the train, you didn't seem to have problems touching me, though", I noted drily.

"I wanted to murder you; of course I needed to come close."

"Were you afraid?"  
She wouldn't answer me for this question. I never got out of her, why she didn't mind touching me back then. I guessed its only reason was the capitols mission engraved into her brain. She seemed to be different this day, too, like she was in trance or something similar. I realized that she tried to go back into the haze of her mind. She tried to blend me out, as if she tried to protect herself against me, so I chose the only option left to bring her back to me.

I touched the back of her hand as soft as I could. It was such a small, innocent contact, but even this crept the hell out of her.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING! " She screamed in pure terror. I tried to not look at her, but I really wanted to.

"Does it hurt?" I asked her absent mindedly, but she didn't get my words. She continued screaming and tried to fight against the gentle touch. She did not break down though, but I had scratched her boundaries for sure.

"Does it _hurt_?" I repeated; my voice kind and tender. "Katniss, tell me if I hurt you right now. I know you are no liar."

It took her five minutes to calm down, at least. But she eventually did, as her voice was worn out and her energy to struggle was completely exhausted. I did not remove my finger for the entire time and endured her fight. Surprisingly she was the first to raise her voice again.

"It's not your pinky" she coughed weary, unable to even look into my face. I looked down to our hands. I had used my index.

"Sorry… I got a little caught up in… excitement I guess..." I apologized truthfully.  
Strangely enough she let out a faint snort.  
"And, does it hurt now? It doesn't, right? Like I promised."

"No" She admitted. "But it wasn't painless either."

"Next time, we'll try holding hands" I smiled hopefully.

"Don't you ever dare to, _dickhead_."

-.-

Finnick found me some time after and led me into the command center. It surprised me a lot that they actually let me enter. This time, however, I couldn't care less. I'd rather stayed at Katniss' to somehow comfort her. This might sound strange, since I only stressed her out… but anyway.

I patted Finnicks shoulder as I walked beside him. He had dark circles under his eyes as if he had never found any sleep since Annie had been saved.

"They want us to see your propo" He explained.

"It's finished already?"  
I didn't expect the film crew to be this fast.

"Beetee found a way to put it into the nationwide channel of the Capitol. Everyone will see you. Even that bastard, Snow."  
I gulped.

"_This is Peeta Mellark, victor of the 74__th__ Hunger Games and survivor of the third Quarter Quell" _The boy on the screen began.  
It was strange to see me talking in television again. It made me feel like some politician, but I never felt like it was _me_ talking…

My face was pale and I realized that I had the same look like Finnick. Tired. Worn out. Worried. Restless. When have I actually paid attention to myself the last time? No wonder that Katniss thought I was a freak to begin with.

_"I am here to tell you, all citizens of Panem, that Katniss and I are alive. We are safe right now and try to reach as many of you as possible."_

Then the boy lowered his head to hide his face.

"_Sadly I have to inform you, that we made it out of the games together, but we are not okay at all. Katniss Everdeen is not okay. The Capitol got its hands on her and she had been tortured endlessly to weaken the Rebellion" _The camera zoomed out, so we all could take a glance at the sleeping girl beside the baker's son._ "They have hurt her, drugged her and now she's not able to help us, and not even able to help herself, but she tells us to go on. Katniss did not endure all this pain to just give up. She has too much she cares for."_

The boy on the screen stroke over that girl's cheek softly, but was also very careful to not mess with her make up. Only I would know.

"_She's here. I am here. And we are not willing to give up. Katniss is fighting now, this very second and I am fighting by her side. So are you. We can't allow them to take our loved ones. Our husbands, our wives, … our _children_."_

He tried to fight the tremble in his voice and continued to speak teary-eyed. This was the first time that Peeta actually thought that he would make a splendid actor. It was cruel of course, but somehow he had to convince everyone that Katniss had lost her and his beloved child, due to the Capitols treatment and the games.

"_They took our child. They took my wife. Our Mockingjay may have lost her wings to take her. But they couldn't take her voice. The rebellion is not just about her, about me or about a handful berries. It's about you all. Stand up, and raise your voices! The Mockingjay calls upon you all to stand up and fight against this cruelty. They must learn that their games are over. The Capitol might have taken her, our spark, but not our fire, and it's _catching_."_

The picture showed both, the girl and the boy now. The boy took her hand into his and kissed it with closed eyes. This was no act.

"_I will fight. For her, for my dead baby and for my entire family who died in District 12 a few weeks ago. I will fight for all of you. And if you all fight with me, together as one, we __**will win**__."_

The broadcast stopped a everyone around me started to cheer loudly.

With only one exception.

Me.

* * *

How did you like it? :-) I hope Peeta's not out of character too much. It's so hard to convey his genuine character in another language. If you have some ideas or requests for the story, don't hesitate to tell me! I'm very open for suggestions since I'm just writing without any plot in my head :) It's just a good practice.

(Oh, anyway, does anyone of you know the story " A good Wife?", When I read the last chapter, I cried for two hours, because it was the BEST ending I've ever read. I think even Suzanne Collins would not have found a better ending. I'm not exaggerating. I swear!

Thanks to following people for review :) It means a lot to me, thank you so much!

**Katpee everlark, girlonfire:** Thank you both so much :-) I'll give my best for the next chapters, too!

**SheepAmongstWolves12:** Be careful with highly addictive stuff sweetheart! Peeta might come and pin you to the bed next. Oh, does that sound suggestive?

**MaidenAlice:** It will get more intense for the next chapters, _I promise_ :-) (Even if Katniss doesn't trust me.. hopefully you do.)

**The black lily 7:** Thank you very much :-) I hope you'll enjoy the next chapters, too!

And thanks to **LaBella** I decided to change the name of the Fanfic a little bit. Thank you also! :D

Please leave me a comment :-) It would be sooo happy about It, really!

Thank you so much, I really love you all!

Elsterbird  
(Toast)


	8. Fragments

Today's chapter: just some fragments, I'm sorry. The next one will be more interesting, I promise. Somehow I lack the strength to type all my ideas. There are some turns of events I really, really want to write but.. I don't know. It's hard to write in another language. I realized this bit by bit.

I truly wished I was better with words right now. Usually I can write without thinking and bring all my feelings onto paper. I feel like the language holds me off doing that. Every word seems to be so forced. I'm really sorry for that! That's why I really appreciate that you're reading this story, though. But I admit that I'm close to giving up. I hate giving up, but I hate it even more to disappoint myself while writing. What do _you_ think?

Have fun with the fragments. It's only a tiny chapter, but it's all I can offer right now. **I am really, really sorry**.

* * *

**Chapter 8: Fragments**

"Good morning, Sweetheart" I said when I realized that the dark haired girl had already awaken from her slumber. She sighed loudly.

"Please, is this some kind of joke?" She growled. "I told you already hundreds of times. I don't want you to be here, remember? But … who am I kidding? You don't give a shit about it anyway."

She is already resigned to the fact that I wouldn't give up on our daily conversations. The girl sighed again while rolling her eyes and I couldn't refrain from grinning widely.

Two weeks had passed and I think that we got to the point where we could talk without her being scared. Somehow her body must have learned that I wouldn't harm her. I just hoped that her mind would also come to this conclusion one day.

"Huh? What..?" she asked in surprise when she found out that she could move her head freely. Before she awoke I had come into her room to open one of her belts, and I really wished that I wouldn't have to fasten it ever again. I explained to her that it was my doing.

"Why would you?" She asked again and I simply smiled at her. She really hated my smile first, but now I guess that she has gotten used to it. At least a little bit.

"What's so funny?" she actually pouted, what I've never seen before.

I discovered that she would always get upset if I didn't answer her right away. However, her voice sounded so cute sometimes that I would provoke her once in a while. And today I was even rewarded by seeing a new side of her.

"It's just that I brought you a present. And I wanted you to be able to look at it."

"A present. For me" She repeated unbelievingly.

"Yeah. I thought it would make you happy. Look over there."

I pointed next to her head, where a small, brown commode stood. On top of it I had put a vase with beautiful white flowers.

"Flowers" She stated unfazed as she rolled her eyes. "Why would you give me some stupid flowers? That's kind of… _lame_."

It had been hard for me to get those flowers for her, since it only grew in standing water. Cute, little flowers with three white petals, numerous purple stamens and the leaves were shaped like arrowheads. Sundower had asked Gale for his assistance, since I didn't know how the flowers looked like or where they grew. It was not comfortable to be out in the woods with him, but for Katniss, of course, I would go to any lengths.

"_Stupid flowers_?" I asked dramatically while clutching my heart, as If her words had really hurt me. "It makes me sad that you don't recognize them. I thought you were also a gatherer?"

She eyed the petals for a long time, frowning.

"I've seen them before" she stated after a few minutes. She wasn't able to assign them, though. The capitol's scientist did their job incredibly good if they even managed to mess with her knowledge about herbs and plants. How was it possible to _rewrite _a whole personality? And how would it be possible to restore her to her original self?

"Anyway! I think they are pretty" I said out of the blue with too loud voice.

"You're a weirdo."

I feigned hurt, placing a hand over my heart again, but started to grin when I realized that she frowned even more.  
"Call me like you want to. But those flowers obviously _are_ pretty. " I said when she rolled her eyes again.  
"Oh come on! I know you hate me. But you can't possibly hate innocent flowers, can you? They haven't done anything to you."

"They haven't, but I do so _not _get your point! Don't get worked up over some useless weed!" The girl answered coolly.

"You really don't like them? I won't leave until you're honest with me" I said annoyed.

"Oh god, I give up. You are such a dork… They _are_ pretty, okay? Can we get over it now?"

"Yeah", I answered, but I also needed to continue talking to coax her out of her shell. She simply _had to know_.  
"Do they make you feel comfortable?"

"Feel _what_?" she shrieked with a high voice. "How would I know? I guess they're …okay. They are nice! Can you please, _please_, shut your trap for now? I'm getting a headache."

"I let you go this time" I said, willing to give her some rest and space. "But first let me ask you, what you do think this beautiful flower's name is?"

"_How would I know_?" she repeated and met my glance with a glare.

"I'll tell you. It's _Katniss_. You're named after this beautiful flower that keeps your hunger away."

-.-

After this day, she wouldn't stare at the ceiling for hours anymore. She began to look at the flowers, whenever she got tired at our conversation and didn't want to talk anymore. I thought it was okay since I realized that she had started to change for good. She didn't seem to mind when I called her_ real_ name. But I was the only one to own this privilege.

Even though I was really happy for this development, I couldn't be comfortable with the overall situation, because my foreboding turned out to be right; _I was_ right. Soon after the first propo had aired, Coin ordered me to take another one immediately. She wanted to keep recording Katniss' progress, even if I had to lie about it. The next one was taken without putting make up on her, except for some rouge on her cheeks to get some color into her face. She seemed to be whole and healthy.

I hated to lie about her condition. We pretended that she just laid in coma since we couldn't possibly bring her to talk and back our plans just yet. She would never betray Snow or the Capitol for us and everyone seemed to know about that. It was around this time, two weeks later, when Sundower asked me to live with Katniss, in her room, tied to my chair and occasionally to a bed.

"This is a joke?" I had asked him.

But Sundower never jokes. He has no sense of humor at all. He meant everything he said and he wanted me to be with Katniss every second; even when she met Delly or Primrose.

I did not agree with this development. Katniss and I had only started to talk since a few weeks and I didn't want her progress to be forced. _I _don't want our relationship to be forced, like the capitol has. I want our ties to be untainted by others and Katniss didn't agree to this change, too.

"No way! I won't allow it!" she had shrieked when I told her about Sundower's plans. "I don't want to share my room with you!"

"I agree with you for once" I answered. "But it wasn't my choice to make, I'm sorry."

She flexed her jaw and I knew immediately that she was thinking about who she was going to kill next.

"Don't look at me like that. I have no say in this, but I'd rather sleep in my own room, too."

And I really meant it, since I knew I couldn't endure her presence for long. Not in a bad way, though. Sometimes I just wanted to hug her; to kiss her. On other days however I felt like wanting to press her into her bed and …just take her; not even caring about being seen by others. Simply being with her wasn't enough. I wanted to make her mine so badly, wanted to make her remember me. I wanted to feel her hot breath on my skin and I longed for hearing those soft moans of hers. And I would hear it, but only in my dreams.

She would definitely kill me if she knew about those phantasies. Even I feel ashamed when I think about them, since they make me feel dirty. Dirty like the bed I would awake in the morning after. That wasn't something I wanted her to see. And I surely didn't want her to witness everything if _it _happens in my sleep.

_And it will. I'm only human._

She bit her lip and glanced back to the flowers I had brought her. I did it every week to replace the withered ones.  
"I thought you would be happy since you don't have to leave me anymore" she jokingly said and frowned at the same time. But her eyes somehow betrayed her. I knew that she tried to hide it, but she wasn't that annoyed with my presence anymore. Sundower said it was because the capitol's drugs had started to wear off; their poison would leave her body at the time and she would become less aggressive than before. I realized he was right, when that girl started to laugh occasionally and stopped calling me names like _fuckin' asshole _or _shithead_.  
It didn't mean that she started to be my friend; it's not like she trusted me. She still believed me to be a cruel murderer, but she also learned that I didn't try to harm her. Yet.

I took her hand in mine and started to play with her fingers. She startled a little first, but she wouldn't cry anymore. She rolled her eyes instead. Perhaps she thought that I stuck to some plan that required her cooperation.  
"I will talk to him again. I don't think it's a good idea, too" I mumbled and gave her a warm smile.

"Why?" she mouthed, her eyes locking with mine.

"Because … I need my privacy?" I replied with a thin voice. The girl started to laugh out loudly.

"Privacy? Here you come and talk to me about privacy? I don't think you should be complaining, Peeta."

My eyes widened in surprise.  
"You called me by my name" I said.

"You call me by mine, too" she shrugged. "Not that I accept it."

I smirked. Of course she did. Before she would yell at me for hours when I tried to call her Katniss. And she still did when others called her like that.

I didn't tell her. For today, I tried to stay on her good side.

-.-

I could convince Sundower to wait for another few months at least. I didn't tell him about my dreams – of course – but I begged him not to put me in her room overnight. I really begged. Perhaps he realized why I did not want to spend my nights with the girl I love.

Doctor Sundower knew that he had to change his strategy though. He wanted Katniss to get better as soon as possible (as I did), so he started to invite Gale over more often. He would visit Katniss as often as his training allowed him to. That's when things started going bad. At least for me.

They would talk for a long time since the capitol's drugs stopped to make her blood boil over. They treated each other first _carefully_, then _friendly_. I feared that _lovingly_ would follow after. If I had known that Sundower had invited him, I'd never declined the offer to sleep in her room. At least I could have checked on them, but now I could just wait for him to come out of her room again.

When Gale had left, I decided to enter her room on my own; without her being medicated or such. When she saw me, she startled again, but remained silent. I didn't try to get close to her since I did not know if she was able to bear with me like that, that's why I just kept waiting next to the door.

"You met Gale? Was he here?" I asked her and wanted to slap myself soon after I questioned her. I came in shortly after Gale had left; there was no way that I haven't seen him before I entered. Of course she knew.

"I did" she said hoarsely. "So what?"

I clenched my fist subtly.  
"Nothing" I lied. "What do you think about him?"

The girl gave me a pointed look.  
"Why would I tell you?"

"Because we are friends?" I suggested and regretted it as soon as those words left my mouth. She started to laugh bitterly.  
"Friends! Friends with _you_? Come on. I don't know where that came from, but I'm dead certain that we are not. _Never_."

There I stood and thought that I had somehow left a good impression on her until now, but I was wrong. She might have accepted my presence because it was inevitable, but she never thought more of it.  
"But you are friends with Gale" I stated crestfallen. "Aren't you?"

"Well, he obviously did _not _try to kill me" she snarled back immediately. Her eyes seemed to be somewhat dangerous. There was a dangerous fire burning deep within her gray orbs.

"Neither did I."

I stormed out of the room and slammed the door, before she could answer. She would shout something about "_fucking liar_". I didn't have the strength to hear it today. I didn't even know why I got worked up like this. Something must have been wrong with my nerves.

-.-

When I got to meet Katniss again, she had stopped to talk to me entirely. She managed to ignore me and I couldn't even bring her to be angry with me. I would tell her stupid things or try to touch her, but it was like I was nothing but air for her. She wouldn't get upset, she wouldn't cry. She wouldn't even snort when I told her a joke. Even Haymitch had laughed when I'd told him this one. But Katniss remained silent.

The things got worse when I found out that she would talk almost normally to Gale and Delly. She seemed to be on good terms with Haymitch too. But she continued to give Finnick and me the cold shoulder. What the hell.

I was summoned to fight in District nine after this disaster with Katniss. It was obvious that Coin found a better use for me. Propos showing me in a battle of live and death for the rebellion; this was good stuff. Far better stuff than showing me and an unconscious Katniss together.

I wasn't much of a fighter though. Most of all was just simply made up and it never got dangerous for me. I would visit the people to give them strength and hope, which I tried to provide although I didn't have any hope left for me. This war just sucked everything out of me that was left after Katniss' denial. It wasn't much anyway. Seeing all the people suffer because of our stunt with the berries made me feel guilty. Sometimes I couldn't even look in their faces whenever I had to visit a hospital or something. It broke my heart. I guess I was not strong enough mentally to witness all this agony and suffering. It harmed myself even more.

When I was sent home to District 13 again, I couldn't even tell if I was relieved or not. Here was nothing waiting for me, I realized. There was no family, no friends (apart from the other victors and Delly) and simply nothing I liked to do. At least the nightmares would be gone, since they seemed to haunt me night _and_ day now. Was this what a depression feels like? Maybe I should have asked Coin to stop sending me into war to get better. But it wouldn't get better anyway, right? It's the same with Katniss, she wouldn't get better, too.

Why did nothing make sense to me anymore?

I started to wonder if this war would end anytime soon; if I would survive. If I didn't, it would not be half bad, since I didn't have anything left anyway. I had a lot of things to regret, yes, but _nothing to lose_ either.  
When I thought things like that, it made me despise myself. I've never been a pessimistic person. Things were changing me, even If I fought against it. I needed something that shook me up. Something that brought me back into my own life. Something that got me out of this intimidating state of mind.

It seemed as if I had asked for it.

As if someone had heard my requests - when I heard the first bombs going off.

* * *

That's it. As I said, it's a tiny chapter.  
What do you think about it? I know it's not much. I wanted to do something completely different but... nevermind.

And I really need to know if I should continue or not. I hate it when I start to read a fanfic and an author decides to stop writing. It makes me feel uncomplete because I'll never know how it would have ended. But if no one of you feels like that, I wouldn't feel bad. lol.

Actually the next chapter will have a good plot. I still don't know If I'm able to write it. I'll try though.

So have a nice day everyone :)

Love you all

Elsterbird

(Toast)


	9. War follows you

Hey guys! Thank you so much for your support! Chapter 9 is finally online. It might be the longest I've written so far..

This story seriously gives me a hard time to write, but I sincerely hope that you'll like it. Also your encouragement gives me a lot of hope and strength and I really want to finish it. Please help me with it, inspiration's all I need. I'll also try to revise the first few chapters, since I think they're really... crappy. They just alienate all the new readers, and I don't want that ;-)

I feel really bad for Peeta. I love him so much as a character. Please don't think that he's out of character when he's rough and yanking people around. He's stressed and it's a really serious and dangerous situation he finds himself in. I hope you understand.

Thanks again for your support. It means a lot to me. I don't want to let this story die. I really don't want to. This chapter got longer again too. I'm really trying :)

Now, enjoy! Don't forget to leave a review. I'm pretty sure there are a lot of mistakes in this chapter. If you find something crucial, please tell me, so I can revise it.

* * *

**Chapter 9: War follows you**

The floor rumbled under my feet, my artificial leg vibrated and tickled my stump in a very strange way. The ceiling crumbled and dust filled the air. The detonations were so loud, they let me think that only two things could have been happening right now. Either we were facing the apocalypse this night or District 13 was under attack. The latter seemed to be a little bit more plausible.

I heard a bomb go off. The impact was must have been close and I immediately knew that I had to run for my life. I had to get to the lower levels as fast as possible if I didn't want to meet the same end like my own family back in District 12. There was no other option.

After what felt like an eternity, the alarm boomed through the corridors. At least the commander center seemed to be fine since Coin's voice sounded through the shrill siren. Her strained voice told us that we were – what a surprise – under attack and we needed to seek out the bunkers in the lowest level of Block C and D to find shelter until the situation's under control. And she said something like all the fire and safety doors would be closing in exactly fifteen minutes. Then, after another detonation, the speaker went silent.

'_What the hell_?' I thought. I was still standing in front of my own room which was located in Block A. It would take me at least five minutes to reach the next Block, which was B, another five to get to Block C and around ten more minutes to reach the bunker. I clenched my fist when I realized that my room was comparatively close to the surface which was even more dangerous than I thought. I was sure that the upper levels were already abandoned. There was no way to make it down on time. Would there be enough time for the people on my level to descend anyway? The only way to find it out was to start running. At least I tried to, but it was a very hard thing to do with my bad leg which slowed me down a lot.

'_It wasn't enough to send me into war'_, I thought. _'Even if I ask for not having to go out and fight anymore, war just keeps following me. It doesn't matter where I try to hide.'_

I jogged through the hallways, trying to get to the next Block. Of course I wasn't the only one. Some people joined me on my way, and most of passed me since I was too slow to keep up their pace. I did not have hard feelings towards them. The citizens of District 13 were just scared and top priority certainly was to get out of our Block alive.

I reached Block B after six minutes. That's where Katniss' room was located. I haven't been there for some time but – of course – I knew which way was the shortest to reach her. But never mind. I knew that Gale already got to her to play the hero, as always. This way might have been better in any case. That girl did not trust me and it was obvious that right now would definitely _not _be the best time to pay her a visit. For sure she already went nuts in Gale's arms as he tried to get her out of her room.

Normally I would have been the one to freak out by now. In the past, just the thought that the girl of my dreams could be in danger was enough for me to go crazy. I guess the last few weeks turned me into a desperate and numb person; dishearted enough that I managed to block out the urge to protect her.

She now had that man-beast Gale by her side and he would fulfill this task even better than I ever could. Because he was …whole. Because he was standing on both of his feet and was also full of good and unharmed memories for her to remember. She could go back to him without having to fear that he might be a monster like the one she thought I was.

Katniss surely did not want me anymore. I just hoped that I had come to this conclusion earlier, since everything would have become easier for me to accept. I should have known it all along, ever since I saw her caring for him after the whipping. But I never approved of this new found knowledge.

Gale would take care of her, I thought while I jogged towards Block C. He would take care of Primrose, too. He surely would get her on his way, since both of them lived in Block D.

Block D.

_Wait a second._

I stopped abruptly. Gale's room was located in Block D. It was also close to midnight. He would be in his room. Like all the doctors who had rooms close to the bunkers. It was common knowledge that officers and doctors were extremely important for the entire District, so they would be given rooms that were closer to the safety zones.

_Wait._

Then realization washed over me like an ice cold wave, and I started to panic.

_Katniss was in danger._

_She was alone._

_No one was going to help her._

And worst of all:

_She couldn't leave her room._

How could he forget about this? Why didn't he use his brain? Everyone said that he was a smart kid, but now he felt like the biggest fool in the whole District. Again, some bombs detonated and the ground shook fiercely now. The walls began to crumble and I swallowed hard. I was terrified.

'_Peeta you fool. Why do you even care about what's going on between Gale and her? It was like this to begin with! Are you going to lose her because of this?'_

Of course not. Of course I did not want to lose her. Even if I had to give up on her one day because she decided to stay with Gale, I certainly did not want to lose her completely. If she died, she wouldn't come back to me. Never.

_I can't afford to lose her. I simply_ _**can't.**_

I felt my strength flood back to my body. The strength I thought I had completely lost because of those depressing circumstances. It might be true that one's power and hope comes back if there's something to fight for. Someone to protect.

I started to run with everything I got; as fast as my left leg allowed me to. On my way I met some people heading to Block C and they warned me that I ran straight into the bombs. I simply ignored them. If Katniss died, I wouldn't live any longer anyway. My life would lose its worth, so I knew I had to go to save her. To save her and save me in the process, too.

Another bomb dropped and I almost lost my footing. The explosion sounded very close now and I was convinced that most of the upper floors wouldn't hold any longer. Nevertheless, I stormed to the stairway and made my way one level up, which was littered with debris.

I did not need to run a long time until I heard screams. Her screams. Some people stood in front of the safety doors of the medical tract but could not enter. It seemed that he was not the only one who wanted to help her; there were still some decent people left in District 13.

"We can't get in without the keys!" a woman shouted hysterically. "Do you have them?!"

Of course I did not. I had given them back to Sundower so he could hand them over to Gale. I'm such a brainless fool. Now I knew why Johanna had called me that. Because it's_ true._

If I just had shared the room with her, nothing like this would have happened. We would be in a safe place by now for sure, so if Katniss died this night it would have been my fault alone. This guilt would surely kill me, even if the bombs didn't.

"No, I don't!" I called back and I saw how the female's shoulders dropped. There was nothing she could do, so she took her husband's arm and begged to run away. I did not judge them for abandoning Katniss now. Of course they had wanted to run all along, but they had stayed and tried to help her and I was thankful for that.

I could hear her cry on the other side of the heavy doors and my heart sank when I realized that I was not able to get to her room at all. I shouted back; I shouted her name and tried to calm her down. I hammered at the door and called out for her, but she never seemed to realize that there were only a few walls between us.

"Katniss! Katniss, I'm here!" I shouted over and over, but her screaming never stopped. It grew louder, if anything.

Another ear-deafening impact.

This blast brought me to my knees and when a second blast followed, it sent me flying through the hallway. I crashed to the floor and the world grew dark for a second. Everything spun around my head and I fought hard to suppress the urge to vomit all over my feet. Pressing hands against my ears, I tried to get back to my feet. Fortunately, the detonation managed to unhinge another door. It was the door to the room next to Katniss'; the room that was used to monitor her. I've been in there many times with Doctor Sundower for briefing and I knew that only a one-way mirror actually separated this room from hers. Fate is giving me a tiny chance at least.

When I entered the room the mirror had already burst to million pieces. My ears were still ringing from the explosion but I was sure that the girl was still screaming her head off.

"Katniss! Hold on, I'm here!" I shouted back and I found that my voice sounded really strange for I could not hear it properly. For a second I had thought that she wouldn't hear me either, but her head jerked back to my direction. When she realized who I was, her eyes grew wide and her mouth fell open. She was calling out to me. I couldn't hear it that well, but I could see it in her eyes. I could tell by the way how her lips were moving. She was calling out to me. Peeta. Peeta. _Peeta_.

I made sure that I climbed into her room through the window frame by using my prosthetic leg, since I did not want to risk not injure myself. Only a second later I reached her bed and started to untie her legs immediately. The numbness of my ears started to fade away and at least I could understand that she was shrieking something like "Help me! Get me out!_ I'm scared_ _Peeta!_" and I swore I would do everything in my might to rescue her. I tried to open the belt that tied her waist, but it proved to be rather difficult. The girl couldn't stop to struggle with her fetters and hindered my efforts to free her. She wouldn't calm down and my words did not reach her.

"Katniss, please stop! I can't help you like this! If you press your body against the belts, they won't open! Please, Katniss! I'm here, calm down!"

I told her to hold still, I even begged her to stop tossing around, but it was all in vain. So I couldn't think of any other way to calm her down than kissing her. I kissed her hard on her lips to drown her until her yelling finally died down. It felt like I had just absorbed all her crying into my own mouth and body but there obviously was no way to think about it romantically. Her entire body however froze and remained motionless for at least thirty seconds; time enough to free her completely and pull her out of her bed.

"Come on, Katniss! We have to get out of here!" I yelled and got her out of her trance. I took her hand in mine and tried to get her to the broken mirror, but she wouldn't budge.

"Come on, _now_!" I repeated and yanked her back to her feet when she had sagged. There was no time to be gentle and I only wanted to get her out of this hell. But she just stood there, lost in her own mind and thoughts; I did not know what else I could do to bring her to run, so I just grabbed her around the waist and threw her over my shoulder.

She was so light that it hurt. I knew she had not been able to walk around a lot all these months. Her legs and arms were even thinner than before, lacking all the strength she once had built up as a successful huntress. She was merely a shadow of her former self, physically and mental. That hurt even more; since I had been convinced that Gale had made her feel better meanwhile. I should have checked on her more often. _Again, Peeta, you're such a fool!_

It was not that easy to get her out of this room, since the mirror was still dangerous to cross. I let her stand on her own feet again and rushed back to her bed, taking her pillow and blanket with me to cover the shards that were still sticking out of the frame. Then I held her up so she could climb out. At least she had begun to move a little, still being confused about the entire situation. She had never left this room before, and had only gotten into the small room next to hers where the bathroom was. But she had never gotten outside.

The girl had stopped screaming, crying and even talking altogether. She did not get the tiniest sound through her teeth since I had stilled her with my lips. Her eyes were clouded and her mind seemed to be far away, spacing out, thinking. Figuring out. I wondered if it was a good or a bad sign…  
When I also had crossed the broken glass, I took her hand in mine and pressed firmly to get her out of whatever dream or world her mind has led her in.  
"Run! Okay?" I explained when her eyes finally seemed to meet mine. She still did not react to me however; I decided to just drag her weak figure with me. As long as she moved, she did not need her now absent mind. She just had to get her body out of here to a safe place; I would figure it out later how to get her sanity back. At least she was alive in first place.

I could tell that she stumbled a few times as I pulled her with me mercilessly. She had trouble with keeping my pace, although I had also not been very fast due to my bad leg. There was nothing left of her former condition, nothing left of her speed and swiftness, or her will to fight. There was almost nothing left of _her_. But still, I had to force her to run. I felt sorry for her and I was sure that her wrist will bruise later, but this was a price I would gladly pay, if her life was spared in return.

After some minutes which felt like an eternity, we both reached Block C mostly unharmed, the bombing had calmed down a little for the time being. From here on would be stairs for emergency use to get to the lower levels; fortunately I faintly remembered their location. I never cared about District 13 that much because I was occupied with Katniss and my latter missions. I've never checked out the other Blocks which now proved to be a bad mistake. At least I thought that I had passed those stairs once, so I started running to where I expected them to be. I pulled the girl with me, when I spotted a direction sign for the stairs. That helped a lot.

As soon as we started movin again, hell broke loose. The bombing started again, closer and worse than before. Katniss slumped to the ground and cried out in agony.

"No! NO!" she screeched. "Don't do this to me! Please, don't do this to me!"

"We have to go on!" I answered, unable to understand what she tried to tell me.

"I can't! They are coming! They will get me! I can't go back _there_ again!"

As much I wanted to ask her what she was talking about, it wasn't the time and place to pursue the matter.  
"Come on! I need you to run!" I screamed through the ear-piercing sound of the detonations and grabbed her around the waist to help her to her feet. I wanted to lift her up again and throw her over my shoulder, but on the same time a bomb got off somewhere really close to us. I was thrown against her by the fierce shockwave that hit us both. I knocked the girl down with my broad shoulders as the blow sent us both to the ground and cried out in pain as something hard hit me. Some bricks had crashed against my ribs and my back and something inside me seemed to have broken apart. Lying on the floor, my sight went blurry for a second as I felt the pain pulsing through my ribcage. When I touched the wound I came to the conclusion that I must have broken a rib or two.

"Katniss?" I groaned through the dust as the ground had stopped shaking. My eyes burned.  
The girl did not answer me, so I called out for her again louder.  
"Katniss! Are you alright?"  
I let my arms roam around blindly; hoping to find her fragile body, but there was nothing that greeted me but silence. I got up to my knees slowly, my head still spinning. I had to find her. That girl would not survive if she got hit as hard as I had. There were hardly any muscles and flesh left on her bones to protect her. She was a canary in a cave, in a collapsing mine, unable to fly away. Sitting and waiting in her cage that would not offer any protection. She was vulnerable. Weak. So very weak...  
So it certainly surprised me when I suddenly felt a firm and unexpectedly strong grip around my neck. I stared up into a cold pair of silvery grim eyes. Katniss' eyes. She was hovering over me, her irises dilated and her teeth fletched like a dog's. She pressed her upper tights against my broken rib and sent my close to the edge of unconsciousness; the pain was almost unbearable.  
She, the girl that I found to be the love of my life, had her all of a sudden strong and cold fingers tightly closed around my throat and dug her thumbs deep into my wind pipe. I was shocked and unable to comprehend what's happening. But instead of doing something, _anything_, I simply stared back at her; my lips opening and closing again, like a fish that had been torn out of the water.  
"_Kat-_" I croaked, gasping for air and finally realizing that she was actually trying to choke me to dead right at the spot.  
She wanted to kill. Kill _me_.  
Katniss looked like the girl I met in the train, the day we got her back. Lethal. Deadly.

I grabbed her hands and tried to get her fingers away from me, but she grasped me even harder. I struggled against her body with teary eyes. I had been one of the best in our school in wrestling. I was strong, no matter how the last months had worn me off, but now I could not bring myself to move, just because it was _her_. It's always been her -she's my greatest strength but also my greatest weakness - and she wanted me dead. She wanted me to be killed by her own hands, and whatever power I thought I had in me before was lost.

"…Don't-"

The sight of her piercing, grey eyes that craved for blood and crazy murder just disarmed me completely. She was the only one that would be able to get to me, and I would not be able to defend myself against. Not against her.

Tears stung in my eyes as I felt myself being close to pass out. I was done for.

The second time this day, however, the odds seemed to be in my favor. The very moment before I would have lost consciousness, another bomb ripped the wall beside us into pieces. The shockwave threw the girl that wanted to claim my life off my body and crashed her onto the floor. She yelped as she landed on jagged stones that cut her back. I, on the contrary, was okay. Lying on the floor had me protected from the worst. I took several harsh breaths to get some oxygen back into my system and with the lack of Katniss' fingers around my throat, I started to function again. My knees wobbled dangerously as I tried to get up to my feet. My heart was racing and soon I started to feel the very belated panic raise.

'_God damn, she almost killed me! Why did I give up? What was I doing?'_ I inwardly slapped myself. If I died, I couldn't save her, so why did I surrender to her grip?

'_I can't die without her being safe._'  
Haymitch would have punched me for this thought. While dying, I did not have better things to do than thinking about her wellbeing. Even if she undoubtedly was the one who attempted to kill me. The crazy one's not Katniss. It's me.

I would have stormed to her side as soon as my body allowed me to, but unfortunately, it didn't. That's when she started to shiver and scream again, like the day when I had visited her in her room for the first time. Her strength had dissipated and before my eyes lay that terrified girl from before, begging not to hurt her, not to come closer and finally, begging to let her die. Of course I could not let her do that and I could not let her have her way. I tried to get up on my knees again and this time, my body finally seemed to obey me. When I opened my mouth to speak to her, to tell her that I would help her, the floor below us started to grumble as if there was an earthquake. It must have been a rather heavy bomb, luckily far enough from us. I took a relieved breath that we've already made it to Block C already. B seemed to be hit. Of course it was far too soon to feel relief which I realized as the ceiling started to crackle and cave in, only five feet away from us.

Katniss screamed her head off in panic and tried to hide her face behind her palms. She had told me that she was scared of mines, since she had been sent in there with her beloved friend, Cinna. He had rescued her from the cold darkness of that cave and had led her out of the tunnel, before two rebels caught him near the exit and tortured him to death. The mine caved in and all of them had gotten buried.

I knew that story was nonsense. She originally feared the coal mines because she had lost her father to them. But a killing machine, a trained mutt of the rebels, surely was not supposed to have a father. They had twisted her fear and combined it with her last memory of Cinna, who was beaten to death right below the arena. This story was just another way to hijack and incite her against us. She believed and trusted this memory with all her heart. Whoever thought about the way to change her memories must have had a great ability of insight. Or really gifted with solving jigsaw puzzles.

Whatever happened and whatever she believed, her fear of mines and tunnel was more than real. I knew it without looking at her. She screamed, winced and whimpered when it once again started to rain metal cores and rocks, and all I could do was getting to her before the ceiling did.

I yanked her on her feet and pulled her away, away from this dangerous place. She would not walk on her own, so I had to pull her with me what proved to be really hard. Dizziness formed in my head and I was aware of the fact that I soon couldn't go on any longer. We had to reach the stairs, for god's sake, to get to the lower, safer levels. They weren't far from this point, but with an abstracted Katniss like this, it seemed to be almost impossible.

"Come on!" I screamed at the crying and shivering figure when I grabbed for her hand. "Get yourself together! Run, Katniss! You have to run!"

She had to pull herself together. She could do it, if she only wanted to. Her eyes got somehow clearer, as if she had remembered something significant and then, out of the blue, she nodded. She moved her lips and whispered something, but I couldn't hear it. At least she started to follow me in a faster pace than I could have hoped before.

Another explosion ripped the air; and my eardrums for sure now. I felt the warm blood dripping down my neck onto my collar. Katniss surely suffered the same fate, but only one ear seemed to be harmed by the deafening blasts. The other one that had been treated by the capitol one year before seemed to be alright. At least, it didn't bleed.

The girl ripped her hand out of my grasp. One look into her eyes was enough to learn, that the sounds, the fear or the pain had triggered her again. This time I was mentally prepared when she tried to throw herself at me; _this time_, I was faster. I swung her around her own axis and had her pinned to the ground even before she was able to make contact with my skin. Her fingers tried to find her way to my neck again, but as soon as I had her body secured under my own, I pinned her hands to the ground.

"Katniss, it's me! Come back, _please_!"

Her eyes kept dilating and contracting for several moments, as if someone had switched the lights on and off. The next explosion erupted and it was the worst so far. The blast was strong and rocks came flying from everywhere. Despite the risk that she'd attack me again, I released her hands and gathered her body beneath mine. I wrapped my arms protectively around her, shielding her delicate body from every blow. That was all I could do, let the rocks plunge down on me and hope that Katniss would survive _somehow_.

It took her several seconds to realize that I certainly did not intend to harm her. She had tried to throw me off and kicked around, screaming. Fortunately, she was too weak to free herself from my grasp. When she saw my pained face however, she gave up.

"Close your eyes, Katniss." I hissed through gritted teeth. A rock just smashed my prosthesis, but luckily it hadn't hit her. "Don't look."

I didn't want her to see the blood that was running down my forehead and temple. I didn't want her to see anything. This was just another mine, caving in. I didn't want to bestow her with further nightmares. She's had enough already.

My voice finally reached her. She closed her eyes and pulled my body closer to her. I was her shield, her lifeline. Maybe she really got that.

"You'll be safe. I promise..." I whispered in her ear while shielding her from the world.  
"Everything's gonna be al..- aghhh."

I groaned in pain. My already broken ribs got hit again, also the back of my right knee. I could only hope that it would not be seriously injuried. I couldn't afford to lose another leg._ Shit_.  
At least the roaring sounds stopped after some time and I clenched my jaw when the stony rain stopped, only to feel the floor rumbling again. I turned to glance upwards at the cracking ceiling and immediately realized that it wouldn't hold out any longer.

So I did the only thing I could think of. I pushed her away from my body and literally tossed her away in direction of the stairs.  
"Run! Damn it, Katniss, fucking _run_!" I screamed right before everything came crushing down. Mud and stones buried me from my hip downwards and I got my shoulders and back hit really hard. I cried out.

"Run! Run down! To the stairs, go!"

When she didn't leave, I gathered all my remaining strength to throw a stone in her direction and actually managed to hit her arm. The pain reminded the girl to move again. And she did.

She turned and ran away, sobbing, abandoning me.

At least she would make it.

At least this girl would survive.

That was all I had ever hoped for. My life was hers anyway, since the first games had started. I just wished that I had gotten to see _Katniss_ again. The real one.

'_I've got no regrets_' I thought, when the whole world around me grew dark.

_This is it._

_I, Peeta Mellark, won't open my eyes ever again._

* * *

Please don't hang me.

It's a bad cliffhanger, I know.  
I really wonder, what you think about it. And what you think what's gonna happen next :) Any ideas?

What do you think about Cinna and her father? Was it understandable? I tried to find a good solution for their deaths that would be useful for her hijacking. It really feels like a jigsaw to me.

Anyway, you all are wonderful. Thanks for reading! Thanks for enjoying! Thanks for leaving reviews.

If you want to know about my updates, find me on tumblr. and follow! My username's " **Elsterbird** ". See you there :D

Love you all so very much.

ElsterBird (Toast)


	10. No way out

Hey you guys! Chapter 10! I still can't believe it. I really hope that you like it. This one's the counterpart to chapter 9, Katniss POV.

Oh yeah:

When I talk about the puppet, I mix _her_ and _it_ on purpose. It's not out of carelessness. This chapter mixes a lot, actually, because Katniss state of mind is not what you would call stable, so please go easy on me.

Okay, that's all! Enjoy!

* * *

I woke up with the first explosion.  
'_What was that?_' I thought. Something roared and the ground rumbled slightly. It didn't seem to be a dream. No nightmare. But it could have been one as well.

Gale had told me that we currently lived in District 13 which was still existing and built underground. The possibility was high that just an earthquake had occurred or something like that. I mean, what else could harm this …fortress of D13?

It did not take me long however to find out what was happening.  
Bombs. Many bombs. D13 was under attack, but by whom? I didn't know. The Capitol? Unlikely. President Snow knew that I've been imprisoned here and he would never risk harming me. Not after what I've done for him and Prim. Was there also a third party included I did not know of?

I dismissed the thought. I've never heard of another party, another organization working against the rebels. I actually have never heard of another _something_. There were the Capitol and the Rebels for as long as I could think; there simply did not exist another front. If it wasn't Coin attacking us – and I _highly_ doubt that, I mean, hello? - Then it must have been the Capitol. There was no other option.

'_Maybe they're coming for me' _I thought hopefully. _'Maybe this all is just a diversionary tactic to get me out of here. Soon someone from the Capitol would come to get me back?'_

I smirked smugly. I probably just had to wait here, and my friends would come and save me. _That's it!_ There was no reason to be scared; those bombs would not reach me. I was sure of that, because President Snow owed me. And he liked me – no – loved me like a daughter. He had said so himself. Soon I would be out of here…

So I just lay in my bed and held out for them to get me. I grinned to myself and I felt excited and happy at the same time. I would be able to walk on my own feet again, without being monitored constantly; I would see the sun, the sky, breathe fresh Capitol air, eat exquisite food and sleep in a bouncing, fancy and insanely huge waterbed. I would see my friends. I would go to the place where I belong, the place that made me happy. And I deserved to be happy, everyone had told me that. As the Rebels' mutt, I had lived in poverty. I had been hungry every day and I had slept on a thin, hard and dirty mattress on the floor. The air had been polluted with coal dust and, first of all, I was lonely. I had felt so lonely and weak. There was no family waiting for me at home, neither father nor mother. All I had possessed was a blonde and blue eyed doll, fixedly sitting on a chair, idly waiting for something that would never happen. I hated her, I hated her so much. However I also loved her dearly since I was lonely and, at least, she had never left my side. I loved and despised her. She made me strong but also weak. At times I would do something foolish like cry in front of that stupid puppet and beg it to come alive so I didn't have to be alone again. I had said that I needed her and I loved her, but this dense doll never moved or even blinked. Whatever.

I wondered if it still sat there in my former home, moldy and ruined, covered with cobwebs… _Yuck!_

Whatever I had felt for her, I couldn't care less now. It never helped me when I needed it the most.

The Capitol however did.  
They got me out of there, saved me and provided me with everything I had lacked before.  
The Capitol had heard my prayers. The Capitol had heard it even today.

'_I'll be going home!'_ I was thrilled. I started to hum a nursery rhyme to kill time. _'Home!'_

_-.-_

As minutes passed, the bombing sounds got closer and fiercer, but I really believed that I would be safe.  
That was until the ceiling above me started to crack and there was still no sign of a rescue team.  
I was shocked. This room would not crash down on me, would it? Where were the others?  
Dust swirled in the air and grip rippled onto my face.  
_I'm here! What are they waiting for?_

_Where are they?_

It suddenly dawned on me as more dirt gushed onto my blanket and the sirens brawled in the distance.

_No one would come to get me._

"Wait… Impossible…" I said to myself and tried to calm down. I shook my shackles frantically and tried to free myself. I panicked as I realized that it wouldn't help me. That no one would help me.

"No no no no no… NO."

I tried to free myself and desperately fought against the restraining belts, but there was no chance of gaining freedom. The sharp leather wouldn't rip, let alone the metallic buckles. So I threw my head back and forth and tried to overthrow the bed, hoping that something, _anything_ useful would come out of it, but it did not even move a whit. The restraints cut into my skin and pain washed over me when the machine next to me got hit by something; one of its wires had still been attached to my arm and I got a short but strong electric shock.  
Then the mirror broke and shattered into pieces when another explosion ripped the air. Shards of glass flew in all directions, some hit my left arm, my legs and my face, but luckily I was mostly unharmed. I grabbed a larger shard that landed right next to my restrained hand and pressed it somehow against my wrist to cut the belt. It seemed to be a good idea to me, but not for long. I cut my palm deeply and thanks to the blood, the shard slipped out of my slick fingers.

"God damn it..!" I hissed and threw my head repeatedly against the pillow. Shit. Shit. _Shit._

'_There's no way out.  
I am going to die here.  
I can't. I don't want to. I… I..!' _I thought hopelessly and started to cry. I was trapped in the most horrible way I've ever seen and if no one rescued me, I'd die here for sure. All alone.

The floor continued to rumble, and the dust continued to fall. And I fell apart. Pictures, colors, voices and smells crashed down on me without ceasing. Abstruse and biased.

_Pictures of stones coming down, and yes, fire. Fire that devours the sky and leaves me no air to breathe. A girl with the pigtails reaches out for me, her nails as sharp as blades. She would rip my eyes out. Oh no, there are stones. My head would be smashed before she could do it. Ha-ha. _

_There are howling creatures behind me; chasing. Rain of blood pours down on naked bodies. The burnt sky is crying. The white marble is swallowed by darkness. Beautiful white marble, so sad. Then the crimson sky rips apart, there's a flash and the mutts bite into my flesh. Rip out my fingers and toes; drink my blood with their fire licking tongues. They shatter my brain against the cornucopia and paint it anew. The pain is real._

Sharp pain allows me to ascend from my mind. I scream. I scream until I'm convinced that the mutts still haven't ripped out my throat. It's still working. I've still got my eyes. _Good_.

I don't even remember when the bombing started. Minutes ago? Hours? Days? Another bomb exploded, maybe the worst so far. It was in the truest sense of the word ear-ripping. It ripped. My right one. Only the right one. It remembered me of something that had happened before. My ear grew numb as I heard a loud ringing noise. A high pitched whining, an ill-natured hissing. This had definitely happened before. Where? When? Why?

My mind restarted again. The pain really helped to get me out from this numbness.

For a second, the lamps in my room flickered. My heart stopped. This is it. Finally.  
_'I will die here. I will die here. I will die here._  
I screamed over and over, struggled and cried, but no one came.

Nobody but _him_.  
„Katniss! Hold on, I'm here!" he yelled. I jerked my head to where I had heard his voice.  
_Oh, my left ear's still working._  
My eyes grew wide. It's Peeta. It's Peeta! He had come to get me? _Why?_

He climbed through the shattered window in a blink. I cried out to him, tried to lift my arms to grab his hands, but the belts held me back. In an instant, anger and rage streamed through my veins. I started to fight against my restraints desperately and even harder than before. I arched my body upward repeatedly in panic when I looked over his shoulder. The wall had started to crumble even more and my situation got worse within seconds.

"Out! Get me out!" I yelled again and pushed my limbs against the belts. I didn't know what the boy was doing but I felt his hands all over me. That was almost too much for me. His skin burned on mine and his desperate and too loud voice scared me to death. He screamed at me, tried to explain something or even to beg; I didn't understand. I didn't listen. I couldn't listen. He was talking to me through a water curtain and he seemed to be far away from me – so far away...

He eventually closed this distance to me when I felt his lips on mine. It was _not_ the first time.

I took a ragged breath.  
_What the hell?_ I wanted to cry out, but I couldn't. Colors and different tastes invaded my mind, pictures and fragrance, sounds, music and soft whispers. Our contact didn't last long, but it was enough to overload my sense and sensibility and sent my world spinning. My sanity bid me farewell and sank into a swamp of memories, dreams and illusions.

_There again, blond hair, blue eyes. What does his expression mean? Why does he look at me like this? The sound of rain echoes in my ears. It's cold, bitter cold. I'm dirty and hungry, so very hungry. I can't feel my arms, I can't feel my legs. They're buried under my skeleton frame. I'm dying. I don't know much, but I know I'm dying._

_He stands there and looks at the window beside him and then back to me. His eyes pierce mine. Oh, I'm so hungry. He averts his eyes again and rips the first loaf of bread he holds in his hands atwain. Bread… He's got bread._

_He throws the chunks to the bawn and feeds his pig in front of my eyes. He looks me straight in the eye as he does it; he wants me to watch. This is a merchant boy enjoying his privilege of being born in wealth and he wants me to know my place. I lose my hope.  
Everything gets dark.  
I'm dead._

_.. Am I?_

_.._

_No, I'm not. My dream's not finished yet._

_The world shifts again, I see a swirl of gray and red and green and brown - and then I stare into his deep blue eyes again. He lies beside me and this time, he's the one with the dirty face and the feverish and hungry gaze. He looks like he's dying. He's got the eyes of a dying man, I can see it through the darkness of the cave we are in. _

_I hold something in my hands, no bread but a pot with steaming, sweet smelling mash.  
This situation feels strange to me. It's him this time, not me. I reach out to him. And as I feed him, I see a burnt loaf of bread landing in front of me._

_I look up again. The boy turns away into the bakery with a nod._

_I press the wet but warm, beautiful loaf of bread against my chest and run away, tears forming in my eyes._

I gasped loudly when something tore me out of my bed. I was free, all the belts were gone and the only thing I felt was his warm hand on my wrist.

"Come on, _now_!" he yelled and pulled me back on my feet when my knees did not hold my weight. He pleaded me to walk, but I couldn't even stand right now. What happened? Where were we? Where has the rain gone? The bread? I grabbed my hair. It wasn't wet. It wasn't dirty. And I still got my eyes.

Another dream?

Before I could say anything, the boy threw me over his shoulders. He winced, but I didn't know why. We left this room before I could even blink. I lost all my sense for time. He had put me down to cross the two ways mirror, and begged me to run with him. I looked into his eyes and wondered. They looked like the ones I'd seen before. Blue. Deep. Sincere but worried, scared even. Was it him? Had he fed me before? I couldn't figure it out. Something definitely was wrong with me. What did the Rebels do? What kind of drug have they used on me?

I frowned. I didn't understand what was going on. Everything seemed to be so numb, as if I watched the world through milk glass… Even the sounds of exploding bombs seemed to be far away from us, but I knew that it couldn't be true since the floor was shaking violently and sent me to the floor a few times as we both started to run. He pulled me with him and I followed him mindlessly, not even asking to where we were going.

I stumbled sometimes, but he got me back to my feet everytime, and after some long minutes, we reached a broad and empty hallway. A huge letter, '_C_', was written on the walls. He sighed in relief, when he spotted a sign directing to the emergency stairs.

_Stairs! Why does he want to bring me even deeper into this thing?_

My mind seemed to come back to me. I choked.

_He will bury me._

_He wanted to bury me before in this cave and he'll do it again._

Hell broke loose. The bombing started again, closer and even worse than before. It was as if the milk glass had shattered. The noise was louder and scarier than before. And there was Peeta, who tried to pull me down into the darkness of D13. I slumped to the ground and cried out in agony. He didn't try to help me. Not at all...

"No! NO!" I screeched. "Don't do this to me! Please, don't do this to me!"

He was still holding my hand, so I tried to push him away from me and ripped his hand from mine.  
"We have to go on!" he yelled desperatedly and caught my wrist again. I struggled. I couldn't go with him. There was still the possibility to get out of here by going up. Somehow.

"Come on! I need you to run!" He screamed through the ear-piercing sound of the detonations and grabbed me around the waist to help me to my feet. When I was up again, a bomb got off somewhere really close to us. The shockwave hit us, his broad frame knocked me to the ground. Pain washed over me when I hit my head hard. Everything went blurry after this and the milk glass was back.

"_There you are…" she smiles at me as she pins my arms to the ground. "You're getting it for loverboy, huh?"_

_I try to shift and struggle against her grip. She has such a small and petite body, but she's so strong. She runs her knife over my face. "Ohhh what should I do to you?" she asks sweetly. "I could slice your face up and amputate your pretty nose… that would be _really_ nice…Katniss."_

_I gulp. When she says my name, her voice changes. A male voice takes its place. _His_ voice. Her weight shifts, too._

"_Hey Katniss…" he starts and his eyes look dark with a mixture of bloodlust and disgust. His eyes shimmer through the suddenly fallen darkness. The mutts will soon come and get us, I know it. Because I have this dream every night. I open my mouth to say something, but nothing comes out. _

"_We should end this, shall we?" he asked and his fingers find my neck. He's going to snap it or choke me to death. The only thing I can think of is fighting back. Because I don't want to die here. I can't die here._

_Somehow I manage to toss him over, and, I really don't know how this happened, I'm standing in front of him. This time, he lies on the ground, covered with dust and dirt. But he's not dying. He's not hungry. But this is the cave, isn't it? I feel the blood dripping from my throat. He is dangerous. I have to kill him. I want to kill him. This is _my_ chance. Kill him, before he kills me.._

_I throw myself at him and my fingers close around his neck. It is so easy. He doesn't even fight back. I smile. He gasps for air and croaks "Kat-.." but he can't even finish my name. Katniss. No, Katarina…_

_I blink._

_Which is it?_

_He tries to brush my fingers away. "Don't-" he chokes. I harden my grip. He's done for, I tink._

_Then the world shatters. _

Another shockwave threw me through the hallway onto sharp, jagged stones. I winced; the pain pushed me out of the dark space that had enveloped my mind. What the hell had happened? The walls crumbled and the floor beneath me was shaking. I was inside D13, inside that deadly cave, I recalled. I would never come out of here alive. I wouldn't make it.

I didn't want to die. I didn't want to! There's so much I had to do. There's so much I've never had the chance to do. I've always been a tool for others, but never just _me_. I wanted to survive and be free. But I would never ever find out what freedom was. I would die under tons of bricks and stone, the same as Cinna.

I started to cry. I didn't want to die. Why wouldn't Cinna help me again. Right, he was dead. And I would be following him, soon. If I died, I would see him again.

_Why won't you die? Katniss? Katarina?_

_You will beg for your life as long as you live. But you only have to beg for death once. I know how you hate it to beg, my little one…_

I was going batshit crazy here. I didn't even know where those words "Please let me die" came from. I certainly did not want to die. At least this one part of me. The part of me that wanted to fight for my life, my freedom and … I don't remember.

The floor shook again what scared me to death. The ceyling crackled. Stones fell from the ceiling, right next to me. It would cave in. Soon. But my legs wouldn't budge. Where was all my strength?

I screamed. I literally screamed my head off in panic and hid my face behind my palms. I didn't want to see. I didn't want to see the rocks that were going to drop on me and eventually smash my face. I thought of Cinna. And I thought of… him. A somehow important person to me that died in the mines. Who? _Who?_

_I don't know!_

_Little girl, get out of there._

I screamed. My head was going to explode. I tried to shut the world out; all I needed, no, all I _wanted_, was to retreat into my mind where no one could ever harm me. I was so wrong about that. Something had harmed me there before. There were faces I couldn't remember. People I loved behind a layer of white, cloudy glass…

_'Don't go Annie Cresta on me!' _One voice in my head said.

_.._

_Annie who? Crazy Annie? The one from D4 ... or D13? I don't remember. Who cares!_

I screamed, winced and whimpered when it once again started to rain metal cores and rocks.

_'Die, die, die... Crazy Kat is gonna die..' _another voice in my head chimed and it danced around.

_'Crazy Kat, don't try to gulp.. rocks will smash you to a bloody pulp. La la la...'_

I finally break down.

Then he was beside me, Peeta, and yanked me back on my feet. He pulled me away from the place that wanted to smash my head and scatter all its contents over the floor.

He dragged me along, I was sobbing and crying behind him and stumbled and stumbled, like a little child.

"Come on!" He screamed. "Get yourself together! Run, Katniss! You have to run!"

His voice sounded hoarse, but I never realized the fierce red, soon to be blue, bruises around his neck. I never realized that those hallucinations were partly real. How would I have even known what's real or not real?

"_What are you still doing here? You have to run, Katniss! Run!"  
Funny, how the world looks like. Shimmering, glittering… This looks kind of familiar.. what is it? I dart around to run away, and I glance at this … this thing on the ground. This swollen and so inhuman looking face. The world is glimmering. No, that corpse is. It's Glimmer…? Glimmer?_

"_You have to run! Go Katniss!"_

I snap out of whatever I've been in. I stare into his blue eyes and nod. The first time that I understood that he wanted me to get out. I nodded, still absent minded. But I understood. I _did_.

"Glimmer… Her name was Glimmer" I whispered inaudibly when I followed him. "And he told me to run? When did this happen? A dream?"

There were parts of me that I'd forgotten. I was sure of it. What was it? And why did I remember those things right in the place, where I was sure I'd die? This had never happened before. I didn't even realize that there were things I had left to remember…  
_It's so… strange._

Another explosion ripped the air; I felt the warm blood dripping down my neck onto my collar. Darkness grasped me again.  
_Blood. Blood, there's so much blood! My mouth fills with blood. I'm drinking it. His hands are dangerous, he's trying to rip out my bones. I have to stop him. It. This monster. I have to get away. I have to kill it. This is what I know to do. This is what I need to survive. I pull my hand out of its claws and attack. It should be easy. It was easy before, too._

_But it isn't._

_This time the monster grabs me and pins me to the ground, before I could even reach it. Shit. It will eat me. He will eat me. Alive. I hear his roars, I see his fletching teeth. It's talking! It's talking to me!_

_Why is that monster talking? Could mutts even talk? The voice shifted again.  
"Katniss, it's me! Come back, please!"_

_Who the hell is_ me? _And to hell with you, I'm not Katniss!_

_Come back to what?_

_I could bite its neck and rip out the throat. I like this idea._

_Batshit crazy little girl._

_Before I can do anyting, the next bomb shatters my world. Suddenly, the blond boy is back and he gathers my body beneath his. I kick around and scream with all I've got. Is he going to crush me? Is he going to finish me off now?_

_No, he isn't. Unfortunately. Gladly. I don't know which. The rocks fall down on us, but I don't feel them at all. There's no pain. There's only the boy... He cries out. I don't feel any pain, but he does. He grits his teeth. Blood runs down his temple. Warm, disgusting, tasty blood._

"_Close your eyes, Katniss" he hisses. "Don't look."_

_I am not sure why I obey him. I can't explain, but I come somehow to understand that he's simply trying to protect me. Protect me from the stones but also from the sight of his pain and blood. He knows I've had enough._

_I pull him closer to me. He is my shield. _

_Is this kindness?_

"_You'll be safe. I promise" he whispers in my ear. "Everything's gonna be al..- aghhh."_

_He groans in pain. What happened? Is he hurt badly? He clenches his jaw. The stony rain stops, but the floor rumbles even worse than before. _

_Everything happens so fast. Before I know what happens, the monster is back, growling at me, trying to kill me. It lifts me up and pushes me away. Then a part of the ceiling crashes down and buries the monster. It screams my name – no, I'm sure it's not mine. Is it? – as soon as I get back up. I hurt my shoulders, fuck, it really hurts._

_It's still screaming._

_I don't understand a word. I just stare at the beast that's partially buried under the rocks. It won't get me now, will it?_

_Then something sharp bites me in the arm. Ah. Pain._

_I could still feel it._

_The floor crumbles again, and I run. I run to the stairs where Peeta had told me to._

_Peeta. Peeta is not here? Where is he?_

I came back to the surface for a second. I knew that the boy had been with me before. He had been the one who got me out of my bed. Where was he? This was just crazy. I was sure that he was somehow with me.

What had happened? Was I dreaming?

The next bomb dropped off and sent me flying again. To the floor and into my confused mind.

"_Run! Damn it, Katniss, fucking run!" he screams._

_Oh, he was there, now I remember.. He is the boy with the bread, the one that had fed the pig. The one that had fed me. The blue eyed boy._

_The world turns and shifts around me. The colors change and also the sounds. I start to panic again. I feel the despair creep up on me. __But this time, I can't allow losing myself again. I can't... I ..._

_I shut the world out, everything gets blank, and all the sound around me dies._

-.-

I opened my eyes and blinked. I was so confused. Haymitch towered in front of me, stroking his fist. He just had knocked one of the guards out.

"What the hell!" another guard yelled at him, but he only shrugged. "He wouldn't listen to me. He said we can't open this god damn door. I _said_ we _can_."

I looked at him in disbelief. Haymitch? The old drunkard?

How did I even get here? The bombing seemed to be so very far away. I could hear it, but only faint. Oh well, my right ear did not function properly, but still.

How? How did I get down here? I was in my room when the bombing started. Of that I'm sure. Then I started to remember his blue, desperate eyes. Peeta had been there. He helped me out of the room. And then, there were the mutts, and Glimmer, and... The cornucopia? _No. That's not real, is it?_

Peeta. Peeta. Where's the boy with the bread? _Bread._ _That's real. Maybe..._

"Peeta?" I choked out, as I asked Haymitch about his whereabouts. The man turned back to me and all I saw in his face was - first - anger at the guard and then relief. Relief.  
"Yes, I know. You did very well, Sweetheart" he said. "Both of you."

_Both?_

I looked down. Dirty and bloody blond hair caught my eye. I blinked again, surprised. In my thin and tiny arms I held his broad form, pressed him against my chest, rocking back and forth. His eyes were closed, but his body still warm. What the hell had happened? _How did he get here? How did I?_

"Peeta?" I whispered as I nudged him. He did not answer though. I cleared my throat. "Peeta?" I asked again, louder, but he didn't react. He wasn't dead, was he? Please be. _Please, don't be ..._  
I looked up to meet Haymitch's glance, as someone tried to rip Peeta's body from my grasp.  
"NO!" I snapped. "What are you doing!?"  
While mumbling something disturbing like 'crazy girl', they tried to take him again. I wouldn't let them. Never.

"Don't touch him! Don't touch _us_!" I shrieked and pulled the boy's body closer to mine. This wasn't the first time I held him like this today, I knew. Peeta's body _fit _mine. My mind did not remember, but my body did.

It took three men to take him from me, and one other stabbed my arm with a syringe. I cried out. What were those bastards doing to me? I could already feel that my body grow numb.  
I tried to get on my feet, but they wouldn't move. They just trembled with exhaustion and fear. My eyes filled with tears, but I wouldn't allow them to fall. I didn't want them to.  
Haymitch closed the distance between us, put his hands around me and lifted me into his arms.  
"Hush," he said, "Let them be. Let him go. They're doctors. They will help the boy."

As if to confirm and support Haymitch's words, one of the doctors said that Peeta was still alive. Weak, but alive. That was all it took to let me burst out in tears. _Damn._

I didn't like Haymitch that much, I always felt stupid and not being taken seriously when he was around, but I was so relieved. Relieved that I was still alive and relieved that he was here with me. Relieved that I could feel the warmth of his body, so I couldn't help but put my arms around him and quietly sob into his neck. I was safe. Safe and alive.

Whatever I've done – I survived.

The docs dragged the blond boy away from me, and Haymitch got me into the bunker. They closed the doors as if nothing ever happened. I closed my eyes. My heart started to calm down.

After less than a minute, I drifted off, never letting go of my old mentor.

_Mentor?_

_Seems like it._

* * *

Phew, this one was hard to write! I hope I could convey her craziness somehow. The memories are mixed, between what she's lived through, what the capitol made her believe and what she had hoped to happen in future... Next chapter will explain a lot.

Thank you all SO much for your reviews and support! It really means a lot to me.  
Sorry for the cliffhanger last time. I'm relieved that no one tried to kill me after this (ha-ha.)

This chapter is kinda important. Katniss starts to realize that something is wrong with her. She's also starting to remember that she actually does have a father. I am sure this chapter was confusing, because Katniss' hallucinations shifted all the time. Time, space, real and unreal memories… But the pieces are coming together, bit by bit.

Tell me what you think about it! I'm really excited to hear your opinion!

Oh, and I'm also on tumblr: **Elsterbird ** … come and look for me :) I'll reward you with Everlark pictures and sneak peeks.

Thank you so much. I love you all!

Elsterbird (Toast)


	11. You are my sister

Hey guys! Chapter 11 is **UP**!  
Sorry for being late… As usual, real life is pretty busy at the moment. I want to apologize for that.

Acutally, this chapter counted more than **10'000** words so I decided to split it up. So I'm sorry that the next Chapter will be KPOV, too. The good thing: The next upload won't take as long as it took this time. I'll have it finished soon, I just need to change it a little bit. Okay, enough talking! I hope you enjoy this chapter. The next one ( I promise) will have Peeta in it. It's one of my favorite chapters, really.

This story will be finished in about three or four chapters. You'll see.

As for information (I don't think I need to tell you, but I do), everything I write _cursive_, are things that Katniss actually hears. The rest is imagination :)

Okay, here we go! Enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter 11: You are my sister**

I fell in and out of consciousness for several times. And even when I came to, I was never able to open my eyes as my lids felt as heavy as lead. I couldn't move an inch; I couldn't talk or let others know that I was aware of my surroundings. I didn't know how many hours or days have passed, and I wasn't even sure if I was still alive, since no one seemed to acknowledge my presence. But I guess I was, unless dead people were able to dream.

Probably not.

-.-

"_Cerebral edema?"_

"_Her condition was pretty serious. We had to remove a part of her skull to allow the swelling brain room to expand. She should be alright now, but we still don't know what will happen_ if_ she wakes up."_

"When_ she wakes up, you mean."_

"_No, we're not really sure about that__."_

"_This can't be true…"_

-.-

Some days I would hear voices, familiar and not so familiar voices, and I could swear that I was still alive. Some days, I would dream endless dreams that made me wish that I was dead already.  
I dreamt about the arena, about the canons which announced a tribute's death, and about bombs that blended in perfectly with the booming sound of their dying moments. How many died the other night? There were that much explosions... I couldn't tell. Perhaps all the citizens of District 13 have fallen. All of them. But honestly, that couldn't be true, since there surely were more people in D13 that less than one hundred cannons could possibly cover. Were those people still alive? What about the games?  
And what about me? Did President Snow bring me back to the Capitol?  
I dreamt of it, too; our happy reunion. Coriolanus Snow had been waiting for me in the end of a bright tunnel. I ran towards him as fast as I could and when I reached him, he hugged me warmly as I let myself fall into his arms. He laughed at me and stroked my hair lovingly.

"Welcome back my child... We missed you so much" He said. I looked up to him and gave him my best smile, because he said that he loved my smile, and he's the only one I would ever allow to see it – next to Prim of course. He put a strand of hair behind my ear and caressed my cheek softly.  
"You did so very well, Katarina" he said with pride in his voice and my smile grew wider. He only talked to Prim like that... This was new for me; his words were soothing my very soul. I made him proud and his appreciation was all I ever wanted and needed. Desperately.

He continued to speak, his mouth opening and closing, but no sounds slipped over his lip. I felt like vomiting when his face started to melt in front of me.  
"You did very well, both of you" his form continued to say, but instead of Snow's, I looked into Haymitch's gray eyes.

I shuddered. Haymitch? Was this dream going to turn into a nightmare? I wanted him to change back again, change into the man who had offered me a whole new world; a beautiful world of love and safety. But instead, I got to deal with that old drunkard.  
"_Do you plan on coming back to us soon?_" He asked murmuring. "_He is waiting, ya know_?"

I opened my mouth to answer him, but closed it again. What did I want to tell him? How should I be answering him? I simply frowned since that was the best answer I possibly could afford to give him.

"_It's okay. I already know what you think, there's no need for an answer" _the voice laughed sadly._ "I just wished that he would realize what you do to him already. You still don't deserve him, sweetheart. You should try and fix yourself for a change."_

I swallowed. What or who was he talking about? And what gave him the right to adjudicate on what I deserve and on what I don't? Why does he make me feel as if I were the bad one here? I shoved his frame away from me. I wanted to tell him that he should leave me alone; I didn't want to hear what he was trying to tell me, but my vocal cords decided on being out of service.  
I cringed at his words. He had a great talent of destroying my mood and this was mostly the reason why I couldn't stand that old drunkard; every time we talked he made me feel terribly awkward and guilty. He was able to look right through me; he saw the real me and didn't hesitate to tell me things I've never wanted to know about me. What he would tell me made me feel disgusted of myself. Yeah, I was a really filthy being.  
And it didn't feel good to hear those truths from a stinking drunk either...  
The old drunk sighed in resignation_. "God, who am I talking to? You can't even hear me, can you?_"

The scenery shifted somehow and I found myself sitting in the train, the one I had ridden when I got to the Capitol the first time in my life. I sat with Haymitch, again, but he seemed to be in a better shape than back in D13 and the bags under his eyes weren't as dark as I could remember. He was still the drunkard, don't get me wrong, but he seemed to be _better_. Just a little better.

I asked him why he would bother me even in my dreams, but he just laughed straight at me. "Because I'm your mentor, sweetheart. It's my duty to look after my kids."  
I scowled at him. "I'm not a kid!"  
He smirked and then he was gone.

-.-

"_You shouldn't be here, what are you doing?"_

"_I'm alright. I just wanted to see her."_

"_You can't! What are you thinking? You cannot just get out of your bed, you are being unreasonable!"_

"_I told you, I'm feeling just fine! I'll go back soon. Just give me some minutes with her, please."_

"_I said no. No, you hear? Stand up and go back! You can come here another time."_

"_..."_

-.-

I never knew if those voices were just part of my dreams or real. Often the words would start to mingle with others, one day I was sure I heard Gale talk to me, but at the same time, I was at my home in the Capitol and eating lamb stew with Cinna.

Most of my other dreams were about Snow and Primrose. They were happily playing in a garden full of roses. I loved roses, they were beautiful and strong - like me, President Snow had said. When I asked him if I also had thorns, he smiled.  
"This is your own weapon, dear. You are strong and you desire to protect yourself but also the ones that are dear to you. That's why we love you so much Katarina. We know that you are by our side, even in times of danger and fear. This is what makes you truly beautiful."  
"I'll be by your side, always. I will defend you" I promised. Because this is what I wanted to do. Loyalty is what I know the best...

Always.

"_Always._"

It wasn't my own voice that came over my lips.

-.-

"_Please… Come on. I know you can do it. Please wake up. I don't know what to do if you don't."_

"_You should go now, visiting hours are over."_

"_Could you give me a little more time? Please?"_

"_I gave you a 'little more time' for three times today. It's enough already. Come?"_

"_No. I can't."_

"_Yes you can. She needs more rest as you do, too."_

"_I don't need rest. There's nothing I need beside her."_

"_I'm not going to argue with you over this. Do it for her, okay? Even if you claim to be alright without any rest, she isn't."_

"_Rest you say! _Rest!_ Do you hear yourself talking? She's _resting_ since forever! I don't need her to sleep, I want her to wake up! God damnit!"_

"_Not in this tone _boy_. You might not care about what's best for her, but I do. I'm the doctor and I should know what's best. Your stupid yelling doesn't help; it just annoys us all, so do me – _do us_ - a favor and go. I can't listen to your pathetic whining anymore! You are the Mockingjay, there must be other things for you to do! Go out, now, and don't you dare to come back until you come to your senses!"_

-.-

In my dreams it was the first time that I actually joined their play. Prim was giggling and chased a butterfly through the garden and President Snow held his belly and laughed. He loved watching his beloved grandchild, because she was so lively and pure. She was everything to him as she was everything to me.  
I closed the distance and waved my hands, as both of them waved back and invited me. I smiled. This garden was where I belonged to. The place I could return to, anytime.

This dream though, turned out to be a nightmare. I was invited to play with them in their rose garden, but as soon as I stepped on the soft grass, a wave of nausea hit me.  
The roses.  
The scent was abhorrent. They smelt like blood.

Why?

This has never happened before. Roses were my favorite – they were me. Beautiful, protective, classy and strong.  
And disgusting.

Disgusting, like me? Yes.

I was a disgusting being covered in blood and ashes.

The dream went as fast as he came. The scenery shifted again and I fell into darkness. The blood had vanished and along with it the garden. The roses. Snow. Primrose. I succumbed to the blackness and cleared my thoughts of all I'd seen before. At least I tried to, but I couldn't get rid of my urge to vomit. Something had ripped inside me, irreparably. And after all this time, only one fact remained in my mind:

I hated roses.

-.-

"_Vital signs are stable and within normal limits. She's responding to the treatment. We expect the outcome to be favorable."_

"_What does that mean?"_

"_She just has to wake up. Thanks to the Capitol doctors we can guarantee that no permanent damage will remain with her. In fact, there's also the possibility that she's regained her lost memories due to the shock."_

"_That…. That is great!"_

"_It would be great. But I don't want you both to be too much encouraged. There's the possibility, but the odds are rather small. She could also wake up and don't remember anything at all. It's not the best outcome, but it wouldn't be the worst. We don't completely understand what they have done to her all those months, but it's also possible that she ultimately forgets about her former life. There won't be a chance for her to recover from her hijacking in that case."_

"…"

"_If she wakes up, that is. It's up to her…"_

"_She will. She definitely will! She is stronger than anyone! She will remember in no time if we all hold together and help her."_

"_You are right. She's a fighter. I wouldn't be here if she wasn't."_

"_Actually you still should not be here, young man!"_

"_How many times do I have to tell you all that I really, really feel okay? My ribs aren't hurting and Beetee said that my new leg will be ready this week. You shouldn't worry too much about me. I want to stay here as much as possible."_

"_Yes, me too!"_

"_Stubborn kids! I'll ask Doctor Sundower about it, but for now, please go. I still need to do some check-ups. Don't roll your eyes at me, little lady!"_

-.-

Sometimes I thought of Effie. One of the voices reminded me of her. Maybe because of her shrill tone or her stupid catchwords like "Manners". She was a strange woman, without a doubt. Stupid even. A broken nail seemed to be worse than a broken finger. She helped me with my Etiquette training, which I never cared about. I saw her in front of me, in a short dream, where she told me to stop rolling my eyes at her already. Of course, I never responded.

-.-

"_I need you… Please… come back. I can't go on without you… I'd do anything for you to just come back. Please... wake up. Wake up… w-wake… You can't.. please... oh god…"_

_-.-_

Days went by, as if they were floating clouds. I was just staring at them and wondering, when something, _anything_, would happen. Sometimes I'd even welcome the nightmares that threaten to haunt me. It was better than staring into the floating gray surrounding me. I noticed that the voices around me got clearer and clearer and my hope that something would change, grew. But not only the voices sounded closer to me; the nightmares, which came in more often than regular dreams by then, seemed to get worse.

The fair-haired puppet started to move.  
I felt the pain of a whip.  
Peeta chasing me. Treeing me.  
Cinna, dying by the hands of white clothed figures.  
Prim, tucking her blouse in.

The fear of being alone.  
The fear of being killed.

The fear of killing someone.  
I saw myself how I'd shot someone in his head. Blood poured out and painted the ground red. Red like roses. Like the roses that grew out of his blood. Like the roses that were me.  
I suddenly heard Snow laugh, cold and adamant. Why was he laughing? It's a nightmare. He wouldn't laugh. But the voice continued to resound in my head.

He wouldn't laugh. He wouldn't laugh. He wouldn't laugh. He wouldn't laugh. He wouldn't...

Someone screams.

The world goes black, then white.

-.-

"_Katniss… Please…"_

-.-

I yelped as I opened my eyes. The lights were still on. The room looked like my old one, only the cracks in the ceiling and the shattered mirror were missing. Another two way mirror was located to my left instead of the right side. Sweat covered my skin and I felt my whole body trembling. But, now I knew for sure, I was still alive. In this damned room again, but alive. A new wave of nausea hit me and I started to vomit all over me, but nothing came out. It seemed like haven't eaten for a long time. Still, I thought I'm going to choke. I retched, again and again and then I started to cough until my head hurt. I wanted to reach for my forehead but of course – my wrists were still restrained.  
_How could you forget? Dummy._

Then I heard a high pitched shriek as the door got thrown open.  
"You are awake!" the small voice exclaimed. I knew the voice immediately, since it never left me, not even once in my dreams. The girl ran over to my side. Usually she would detain herself and sit next to me calmly, but this time she threw her arms around my neck and hugged me dearly.

"Primrose!" I answered hoarsely, slightly shocked about her overwhelming gesture of affection. "Prim! Are you alright?"

She smiled shyly as tears ran down her face. "I should be the one asking, you know? Yes, I'm fine… and you are awake again, I'm so glad..."

I wondered why this girl seemed to be that worried about me, but I was really happy to see her. She let go of my neck and rubbed her nose until it's all red and shiny. "Sorry, I didn't mean to assault you" she smiled through her sobs. "I'm not being very professional right now, am I? Look at me; I'm all ugly tears and snot."

I grinned wearily. Actually I tried to shoot her my best smile, but my body didn't react like I wanted it to. Instead I told her she was perfectly fine, before adding that she still was the most beautiful girl in this room. She slapped my arm playfully and started to sob again. "You'll never learn, will you?"

I shrugged her words off. We've had this conversation before and I didn't want to discuss everything again. In short, little Prim insisted on telling me how beautiful I was and how she wished that her hair would be the same color as mine. I shook my head, every time, telling her that I loved her blond hair the most in the world. Yes, I really loved its color…

"I'm not restrained" I told her as I decided to change the subject. "I mean, not _fully_. The old will be angry if he finds out."  
The blonde girl smiled.  
"_Dr. Sundower_" she corrected but smiled. "You're still awful with names."  
I shrugged again. I didn't care that much about him.  
"But you're right, I forgot about that."

She closed the distance between us and removed the two remaining shackles from my wrists. I didn't believe my own eyes. "What are you doing?" I asked her taken aback. They would definitely scold her if they found out. They could ban her from visiting me again or even worse, I mean, they surely still labeled me as _dangerous_ and _crazy._

"Congratulations" she replied mischievously. "You are free to move around, as soon as you're able to. Your muscles aren't ready for any labor, you know? We just restrained you to prevent you from scratching your scalp while sleeping. It must be itchy."

Yes it was. But I haven't realized it until she mentioned it. I raised my hand, just to touch that spot, but Prim caught my wrist in her palm immediately.

"Don't!" she warned. "It's still not healed fully. You shouldn't scratch, even if it's annoying... Okay?"

"I don't understand. What's wrong with my head?" I asked while rubbing my wrist after Prim had released it. She shifted around on her chair, uncomfortably, avoiding eye-contact.  
"Umm.. You know, there were some… _circumstances_."

"Circumstances?" I repeated, frowning. "What kind of circumstances?"

Prim took a shaking breath. Oh well, this conversation was getting awkward already. Certainly she prepared herself for some cumbrous topic. She took my hand in hers again and looked at me timidly.

"Do you remember what happened? The night of the bombing?" she asked in a low, but hopeful voice. Our eyes connected, and I swear, the girl didn't dare to blink even once.

"No… Not exactly… I mean, it was a horrible night." I said as I tried to recall everything. "It was black and white and red. And Peeta was there… I.."

I stopped. My head throbbed in an instant. I raised my hand again, but put it on my forehead this time. It felt a little bit too warm. When I looked at Prim questioningly, she too raised her hand to feel my temperature. Now it was her turn to frown.

"Sorry, you should rest. It's still too early to… Sorry" she mumbled. Guilt flashed through her eyes. I knew what she would tell me next. "I better leave now."

"No!" I almost yelled. "No, please. Please stay."

"But…"

"No buts, please. I can't be alone right now. It kind of …scares me."

And I meant it. All those memories that were threatening to come back and this room I was in – it resembled too much to the other one. The one in where the ceiling promised to crush my head. I could still hear the bombs. I could still feel the trembling of the floor. I closed my eyes and shook my head. "I really can't be alone now, Prim. It will kill me."

I thought that the room would kill me if she was gone, Prim however interpreted it as if it was the loneliness. Whatever, I didn't care. I just wanted her to be with me, because no one else was. Except for Peeta. And Gale.

_Really?_

Something told me that this was not the truth. Peeta was still a killer and Gale a shadow of my horrible past. I shouldn't feel dependent on them. I wasn't allowed to. I didn't allow myself to.

Prim nodded and glanced at her printed arm.

"Okay, I'll stay. But not for long, I need to go to the education area later. I'll send someone to keep you company after, alright?"

I bit my cheek. I didn't like her proposal, but what could I do? I knew that it meant trouble for her if she came too late for whatever she had to do.

"Would you tell me? Tell me what happened?" I asked her. If she was going to leave me, I at least wanted to hear the truth about that night. She hesitated, not sure about what to do. Then, finally, she decided to sit on my bed, next to me. It startled me a little, but I didn't say anything. I hadn't gotten used to closeness and warmth and I felt like I've never enjoyed it in my entire life. But here she was, innocent and lovely Prim, and I couldn't bring it over my heart to tell her to keep distance. Actually, I hoped she would stay like this. Forever.

"We were attacked" she began cautiously. "I don't know what you remember, but that night, we were evacuated and everyone tried to get to the bunker as fast as possible. I wanted to come here, to get you, but Gale wouldn't let me. As soon as the bombing began, he stood in front of my room and pulled me with him. He was completely beside himself. After he got me to the safety zones, he tried to get back to you. Everything… everything happened so fast. Some wards wouldn't let him go, they just wouldn't…. and then he fought and…"

She sobbed again and hid her face behind her hands. "I couldn't do anything. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I didn't come to help you. I failed you."

"No, no… Don't cry" I told her and put a shaking hand on her shoulder. I didn't find the strength to embrace her, but I wanted to comfort her at least a little. She shouldn't be crying on my account, she didn't do anything wrong. "It's okay. It's over…"

"I'm _so _sorry…"

"Don't be. We're alright."

She dried her tears; at least she tried, and started to sniffle. The guilt in her eyes was almost too much to take, so I decided to do something I almost never do.  
"Now I can see where all those ugly tears and snot come from" I smiled jokingly. She gave me a surprised, but shy grin before rubbing her eyes dry.

"That's so nice of you" she joked back and her grin grew even wider. I knew then that she had overcome her emotional outburst.. I patted her back reassuringly until she felt good enough to continue.

"I think those were the longest 30 minutes in my entire life" she said. "Gale was taken into custody for breaking someone's nose. It was horrible… We all thought we had lost you. And later, when I'd given up hope, I heard Mr. Abernathy's yelling. There was only one camera to watch the hallway in front of the bunker. And then I saw you. You were pulling Peeta with you, covered in dust and blood. They… they refused to open the doors. They were afraid they would endanger the fugitives. Mr. Abernathy stood up and fought off the wards. Some of the other people helped him to open the doors but it took quite some time. The fighting just continued… When we got to you, you were leaning over Peeta, rocking back and forth. I.. we thought he was dead."

_Peeta. Dead._ I realized.  
Was he? _Was he?_

"Is he… is he _alive_?" I asked nervously. I haven't yet decided if I wanted him to be. It was so confusing.

"Yes. Yes, he's fine."

_Good. Not good._

"He saved you. You tried… to choke him when you panicked, but after you saved him, too."

I had wanted to kill him and saved him instead?  
_Something definitely is wrong with me_.

"And when we got you back, you were in such a bad condition… You had a severe brain swelling … we had to put you in induced coma and… we had do an emergency operation… on your brain" she continued. I had thought I was shocked before, but this was blowing my mind through the roof.

"You did _what_?" I asked her upset.

"We had to prevent you from brain damage.." Her voice got even more anxious with every word.

"So you just… just _opened_ my head? _What_ did you do to me?" I couldn't believe it. _What the hell? _I didn't know that this was even possible.

"I- I swear, it's just that. You've been sleeping for two months now. You're still healing.. We didn't know if you would wake up after all what happened…"

Maybe it would have been better if I didn't wake up. What did they do to me?  
"So you were messing with my brain then, right?" I asked coldly and the change in my tone did not escape her.

"No… No! Definitely not! I was there all the time.. I watched over you… Nobody tried to do anything, I swear! _We_ won't do that to you!"

"I know _you_ wouldn't, Prim. I know. But what about the others? My mind is so fuzzy right now… What if they did something to me?"

Prim bit her lip. I've never seen her doing this. It kind of reminds me of myself.  
"You.. you will figure it out. It will come to you in time, I'm sure…" she said, her voice full of uncertainty. She studied me. She observed. Tried to figure something out, but I didn't know what she was looking for. She opened her mouth to ask something, but closed it again. I wondered.

"Do.. do you.." she stopped again and shook her head. "Forget it. I'll ask next time."

I frowned. Her attitude had changed from one second to another. As if she had realized something. "You can ask now, Prim." I insisted.

"No, I have to go now" Prim said curtly as she looked at her arm. District 13 was organized through and through. The print on her arm told her to report to another station. And she seemed to be late already.

"I'll come again tonight, okay?" She asked. I knew by now that she would have to break some rules and sneak out to see me, because she was never able to come in the evening before, too. She would skip dinner time for sure.  
"You don't need to. Just come and see me tomorrow, okay? I'll be waiting for you."

She looked at me ruefully. "Okay" she breathed. "Tomorrow then… Will you be okay? I'll send someone to spend time with you. You don't have to be alone."

"Thank you, Prim" I replied.

She stood and walked to the door. I really didn't want her to go and I got the feeling that I should say something, anything. So before I could really think about it, it slipped.

"I wished I had a sister like you, Prim."

I expected her to smile, but when she turned around she was crying again.  
And this time, her tears were different.

They made my heart break.

What was left of it, anyway.

* * *

I feel so sorry for Prim. She had been so hopeful that Katniss would have remembered everything. But it should be pretty clear with her last statement, that she doesn't.

I think it must be very hard if your very own sister treats you like she doesn't know you. Okay, Katniss really doesn't know but anyways..

Thank you for every **review **you leave me! Every Review means more **motivation**! And thank you for following on **tumblr.**

I'm actually **drawing a series of Katniss and Peeta's growing back together.** If you want to follow the series, just follow me on** tumblr: Elsterbird**

I swear you won't regret it.

Love you all very much,

Elsterbird


	12. Three times

Hey guys, as promised, here comes chapter 12! Finally, Peeta's back on the scene. Took him some time, right? Again, KPOV, and I think I'll continue writing KPOV from now on. She's starting to understand so there's no need to fill in with Peeta anymore :D  
The response to the last chapter was rather low, I guess the chapter wasn't that good. I understand that you felt **disappointed** because of the lack of Peeta. I swear, it will get **better** from now on.

I hope you like that Chapter, I worked really hard to get everything right. Actually it's just part B. Chapter 11 (You are my sister) would have been part A. But seriously, the whole chapter was just too long.

Okay now **enjoy** the next chapter :) The plot is thickening and I'm giving you 7000 words for celebration :D

Always yours,  
Elsterbird

* * *

**Chapter 12: Three times**

A soft knock on my door startled me. No one would ever knock here, except for Peeta maybe. But usually I'd be sedated before that charlatan Sundower would let him in. However, I did not feel tired at all. And in addition, I wasn't restrained. There's no way Prim would send him my way. _Prim…_

I wondered why she had been crying. I must have done something wrong, but I couldn't figure it out. I was looking for answers but instead I got a whole bunch of new questions. And now I would have to wait till the next day to ask…

"Come in" I shouted hoarsely, when it knocked again. And again.

The door opened then and blond, sunny hair came into my sight, what made my breath hitch.  
"Peeta?" I gasped. I was still conscious, why did they let him enter?

"Hey…" he offered weakly, standing in the threshold. His shaking hands were clutching his shirt, his hair was unkempt and his eyes were red-rimmed. He obviously had been crying before. He had a hard time keeping his face straight; he fought against ominous tears and a threatening smile simultaneously.  
"Prim told me… Y-You're awake" he stuttered and let out a shaking breath as he ran his fingers through his hair. Then he smiled, as if he couldn't believe it at all. And finally tears came into his eyes. I could tell that he longed to come closer but he was just standing there awkwardly and watching me.

"Yes" I answered scarcely as I sat up in my bed and pulled my blanket closer. Why did Prim request him to come? Him of all people!

"Can… can I come in?" He asked then and fiddled with his shirt while staring to the floor. I could tell he was nervous facing me, what felt really strange since he was the one who would act sovereign all the time.

"Sure" I said. _Sure?_  
I wasn't even sure about if I wanted to see him or not! But I wanted answers and Peeta was the only one who could give me those concerning _that_ night.  
His face brightened up once that word left my lips for he didn't expect my consent.

He closed the door behind him and stepped closer. He was careful to take his time and observe my reaction. It made me laugh. It wasn't a happy laugh, though. It was more strain that escaped my throat.  
"Sit" I said when he stopped halfway in the room and pointed to the chair standing next to my bed. Now he gave me a relieved smile and closed the distance. His closeness made me shiver, but it wasn't as bad as before the incident with the bombing. He did not make me feel scared anymore, but there was this awareness of his presence I couldn't shake. I couldn't put a finger on this feeling he gave me.  
He sat down, calmly, to not scare me away like some wild animal. It made me chuckle again, thinking about how loud his steps were seconds before. He kept glancing to the floor and didn't say anything. I knew he was waiting for me to begin.

"Hi" I offered then, permitting him to speak. "Hi" he whispered back, still averting his eyes. He was clutching his hands so his knuckles turned white. He was trembling.

"Look at me" I ordered. If he came to say anything to me, he at least would have to look me into my eyes. I also wanted to be sure that his eyes were still the same as… _before._

He raised his head. Tears were pooling in his eyes and he fought hard not to drop them. I tilted my head.  
"Why are you sad?"  
He started to smile, shaking his head.  
"I'm not sad" he answered hoarsely. "I'm happy."

I frowned at him when he wiped off his tears.  
"People must like it very much to be crying around me lately" I remarked drily.

"People must feel very relieved to see you safe and sound" He replied. "Actually, Gale's waiting outside. If you want to talk to him right now, I'd understand… I could call him in."

I couldn't help myself, but he started to look like a puppy, silently begging not to abandon him. I gave in.  
"No, it's okay. It doesn't have to be right now. Maybe later?" I shrugged. Gale couldn't give me the answers to which I first needed to find questions to, anyway. Peeta was already here; there was no point in chasing him away.  
Said boy visibly relaxed in his seat.  
"Okay" he whispered.

We fell into silence, but it wasn't uncomfortable, not at all. I felt good that I did not have to talk to anyone. It gave me the time to think about what had happened and what I needed to know. I didn't want to meet anyone at first, but I also didn't want to be alone. He seemed to understand that.  
After few minutes however, Peeta decided to break our silence when he noticed that I began to stare at my dresser. I had done that countless times before, just to check if everything was alright. If _I_ was alright. But the flowers were long gone.  
"Before I forget it… I want to give you something" he mumbled, pulling me out of my mind. "It's not much, but..."

I tilted my head again. A present? For some reason I didn't like the feeling of being given presents. But I also felt surprised by myself that I got curious about it.  
"For me?"  
"Yes. I'll get it."  
"Okay" I murmured. Peeta stood immediately and crossed the room; his present seemed to be waiting outside. _He didn't mean Gale, did he_?  
He opened the door and vanished for a few seconds, just to return with something that – fortunately - looked like a canvas. Again, he sat down on his chair and while he reached it out to me, he said "I wanted to bring you some earlier, but the pond where I had found them had been destroyed with the bombing. I couldn't find any, so I decided to just paint them for you. I hope you don't mind".

I looked at what he gave to me. There they were again, those soft and beautiful flowers called _Katniss_ banned on a white, sturdy canvas. The painting was stunning. The flowers looked exactly like I'd remembered them; soft, elegant and strong.  
_Katniss, Sagittaria. Edible.  
_  
"You painted this?" I asked in surprise. "You are an amazing artist."

"Thank you" he replied shyly and rubbed his neck while averting his eyes again. "It's nothing…"

He smiled back with flushed cheeks. I realized how boyish he was looking. Sometimes I had some difficulty to decide how I should classify him. He was just a boy, after all. And a killer, I reminded myself.

I put the painting on the dresser next to me and admired it from some distance. He did not only draw my flowers, but also the pond and the adjoining forest. Soft rays of the sun beamed through the trees, letting the dew on the flowers glisten like diamonds. Just like I knew, no, loved the forest. _Oh, really? Since when exactly?_

He had created this. I've never realized that his hands were this gentle.  
"No, it's beautiful. I mean… Thank you. Honestly."

"You are welcome. I was hoping you liked it" He beamed.

"I like it very much! I can't believe you did that… I mean, for me."

He gulped audibly as his cheeks flushed. _Flushed!_  
"For you, always. I … I just regret never taking you out there before the bombing destroyed it. It was my favorite place."  
The bombing! I haven't expected him to bring up this topic without me urging, but there we were, right where I wanted us to be. I put the talk about the pond away.

"The bombing. Right. I wanted to talk about that" I said immediately, the painting already forgotten.

The blond haired boy nodded, not at all surprised, and leaned forward. He put his forearms on the knees and rubbed his palms together. Then he let out a shaky breath.  
"Alright. What would you like to hear?" He asked calmly, meeting my eyes again.

"Tell me what exactly happened? I'm not very sure that everything my mind tells me is quite the truth. You were the only one with me, so…"

"I understand" he smiled knowingly and somehow I couldn't shake the feeling that he was happy about something I said. He started to describe everything that happened that night. It was a hard conversation for both of us, but he tried to make it bearable and joked here and there. I didn't mind. Sometimes I would even allow myself to smile a little, what would spur him on even more. He was just being him, of course, without forcing to be funny or something. He made me feel better despite all that had happened and all what I had wanted to do to him. I actually was quite surprised how detailed his version of the story was. He could remember just about every word I'd told him and what I had tried to do to him and hey, he even joked about that. I shouldn't feel bad about it, he said, and that his neck was too thick anyway. I snorted.

Soon enough the conversation got awkward and serious again and I wished it didn't.

"I've really tried to kill you. That's true, right?"  
"Yes." He answered truthfully, but a little bit hesitant. I guess there wasn't any point in lying to me.  
"And you tried to kill me back? True?"  
"No, that's definitely not true." This time his answer came out of the pistol.

I shook my head.  
"I don't believe you. If I'd wanted to kill you, why didn't you try to kill me instead? To protect yourself? It makes no sense to me. You tried. You launched at me. You wanted to choke me."  
I frowned. This version didn't seem right either. _Shit_, _everything's so blurry…_

"No" he replied more firmly than before. "I'd never do that. I know you don't trust me, but… I wouldn't. Ever."

I bit my lip. His sky blue eyes seemed to be so honest, but I knew that there are a lot of really good liars out there in the world. I wouldn't trust anyone beside myself. But since I feel so dizzy, it might be even better to not trust at all.

I wouldn't trust Peeta. I couldn't. I mustn't. But somehow I just wanted. I wanted to have something or someone I could hold on to. He saved my life and I saved his, although I don't remember why I did it.  
_Why is it so complicated?  
_It was hard enough to decide if I should hate him or not. My mind told me it was the best, but my heart did not agree.

I studied him for a second and looked for a sign that would betray him. Actually, he didn't look quite like the one from before the bombing. His eyes seemed to be a little duller and his face and his frame were thinner than before. I remembered him to have broad, muscular shoulders and a pair of strong arms that could lift and throw a hundred pound sack of flour straight over his head. I'd seen it. _When?_

I shook my head again. _Who cares. I don't need to know._  
He just looked kind of worn out. As if he'd been doing a lot of hard, exhausting work.

I didn't ask.

"You said you wouldn't lie to me once" I pulled the blanket closer to my chest. "I guess you're still true to your word?"  
"Yes. Of course."

I bit my lip again. I had no choice but trust him to keep his promise.  
"I wondered why it was you. Prim told me that she and Gale couldn't come, but it doesn't explain why you've come to help me. Not after I had treated you like air that month before."

He shrugged. "It was a rough month, honestly. But I was at fault too, I understand why you kept ignoring me."

"You do?" I asked surprised. I couldn't explain when I'd started to think differently about him. We simply got too friendly, and I couldn't simply allow that. How could he know?

"I guess… Well, I'm sorry that I acted like that around you. I shouldn't have been jealous of Gale just because you are… _friends. _It was so immature of me to think, that I would be enough for you to get better. It's just… We have a history and I can't forget it."

_History? Who? He and Gale?_ I knew they were fighting about something, but what could be so important that they couldn't get along with each other? On the other side, did I _care_?  
"I don't get it" I confessed, rubbing my forehead. In any case, I decided to never tell him that his behavior wasn't the real reason for ignoring him.

"Mmh. But I do wonder why both of you don't get along, but I guess it's not of my concern. However I think it's good of you that you asked if I wanted to see him"

"It would be feeling bad if I had kept quiet." He replied, averting his eyes again.

"That being said, you didn't answer my question. Why did you come back to my room to save me? There was no reason for you to do that."

"No reason? How I could I possibly have left you there? You would have died! When I realized that Gale and the doctor's weren't close enough to you, I just ran back" He explained, worry in his eyes then he let out a shuddering breath. "That's all."

"But _why _would you do that? You could have died, too!" I asked again, not able to keep the tone of annoyance out of my voice. I realized that he was trying to hide something.

"That's umm… because..." He shrugged; his expression clearly troubled. He glanced to the door, to the one-way mirror and then back to me, unable to find the right words.

"It's a simple question" I remarked. Yes that it was, yet he refused to answer me.

"I guess we… We protect each other. That's just what we do…"

"I don't think that's the real reason at all." And I didn't think that It could have been true. _I don't simply protect anyone.  
_I rolled with my eyes. He was supposed to be such a good talker, why did he shy away? I stared at him, demanding to hear a good reason. And he would give me that. I wouldn't let him go before he told me. "That's not a real answer, Peeta!" I protested. "I thought you wanted me to trust you? Well, I'm not sure I could if you're keeping secrets yourself."

He sighed and averted his eyes_ again. Again! What's wrong with you?_  
His face flushed immediately. He knew I had a point.  
"Well… That's because… It's obvious, isn't it?" His voice was getting quieter with every word.

"It is not." I answered dryly, frowning. I frowned even more when he took my hand in his and squeezed slightly. Then he lowered his head in defeat. It was now or never.  
"I did it because I care for you." He whispered. "Because I… I love you, Katniss."

I swore I heard a bomb drop in that very moment. _Or a cannon_…  
But everything was silent

"You do _WHAT_?" I yelled unbelievingly as I slapped his hand away. I almost stood in my bed, wide eyed.  
_Okay, wait, what's going on? _He was kidding me. Of course he was. Why should he…?

He bit on his lip as his eyes darted back to meet mine. He looked quite disappointed but also adamant. It was too late to hide now.  
"I love you. I've told you this before already, but you forgot. I can't believe I'm still that nervous telling you this after all this time" he offered weakly.

"You gotta be kidding me" I pressed through my teeth. He definitely was.  
_He wasn't.  
_"You hate me!" I accused and threw my hands around me. "You hate me, and you want to see me dead! You tried to kill me in the Games and you tried in the bombing! …You and Finnick killed Mags, and you were fuckin' laughing about it! You… You and the careers… Why would you…? Why?"

He winced at my words and shook his head. Again and again.  
"No. No! Katniss, I swear. That's not true."  
_It's not true. Not true. Not true. It is. It isn't?_

"I can't_…_ I-I can't believe you. I.."_  
_I gritted my teeth. My head was aching again, but even worse than before. I wanted him to leave.

I didn't want to be alone, though. _Otherwise the monsters will come back._

"Please go now. I want… I need to see Gale" I choked out, before he could assure me that he had really meant it. For real. That he had a good explanation for me.  
As expected, his face fell as soon as I mentioned Gale's name. _Good_. It served him right for confusing me that much…  
The boy looked at me, speechless, his mouth hanging open. I was sure that this wasn't the reaction that he had expected me to give him. It was his turn to look at me unbelievingly.

"What?" he asked, as if he didn't hear me the first time.

"Just… just go. I can't look at you right now."  
_I have to think._

_Before they're coming._

Pain flashed through his eyes as those words rolled over my lips. He looked at me like I'd just hit him. Hard. He stood immediately and buried his hands in his pockets.

"I'm so sorry… I really am" he said. "Don't hate me, okay? I don't know what to do if you did."  
His tone changed from disappointment to desperation. "Please don't toss me aside like last time. If you can't handle the thought... then just… Just forget it. Forget that I've said anything!"

_You've just told me you loved me. How could I possibly forget that?_

I wanted to yell at him. Soothe him. Cry. I wanted to do all at once, but I managed to keep a straight face. The only thing that would betray me was my trembling lower lip.

"Please go" I pleaded. "Just go."

Peeta nodded, his knees slightly shaking. "I'll be on my way then. I… I'm going to leave District 13 this evening. So I won't be back for some time."  
Even he did not seem to know why he told me this exactly, that's why he looked rather irritated, hopeless and lost. Maybe he wished that I said something like "be safe" or "I'm waiting for you" to him, but I couldn't.

"Okay" was all I said.

"Okay… Bye then, Katniss."

"Bye."

He turned to leave but I got the feeling that this wasn't the right way for us to part. He had saved my life after all. Probably…

"…Peeta?" I began cowardly, my voice barely a whisper. He whipped around immediately.  
"Yes?" he asked with a hopeful voice.

"I … I guess I didn't want to kill… I mean… I didn't want you to die?" I offered awkwardly, trying to say something nice at least.

He smiled weakly but genuine.  
"Thank you."

With those words, he's gone.

_And the monsters are back._

-.-

I had tossed and turned in my bed for hours so it seemed, but it couldn't be later than afternoon. I checked my eyes and my ears; they were still there and actually working.

I hate those mutts.

The dream wasn't scary at the beginning. I was swimming. Not the pond that Peeta had painted for me; it was considerably bigger. It was a lake. I've never seen a real lake, let alone gone swimming before, but I knew it was a lake. My body remembered how to move in the water so I wouldn't drown. I tried to follow the ducks that fled through the water; of course it was impossible to reach them for they simply were too fast.  
After several attempts, one of ducks flapped its wings so the water splashed into my face. I coughed and splashed back. I heard a familiar voice behind me, laughing, but I couldn't see his face clearly. I thought that I knew his jacket from somewhere…  
Then, suddenly, I knew the good part of the dream had ended. The sky got dark and the water icy. I stepped out of the water, but I couldn't run. It was as if something had stopped time. I cried for help, but the man was already gone.

Then I heard their howling.

The mutts got me again before I even knew where they had come from. This time, they were blue eyed and their fur was blond. They were Peeta, I just knew it, and they were tearing me apart. And while they were biting and shredding my skin and flesh, they wailed that they loved me. I was delicious.  
_So delicious._

The doctors had injected me some morphling so I was getting better, calmer immediately. It still made me numb, though. When Gale had entered my room, I wasn't even able to process that he was actually there. He had looked at me like Peeta and Prim did – relieved and happy. And also teary eyed. But I did nothing in return.

I guess I also was getting better at ignoring.

As the morphling subsided, I found myself in conversation with him. I just nodded at first. After some time I became able to reply to him. He apologized for not being there when I had needed him the most. I thanked him for saving Prim.  
The monsters did not come again.

"Are you okay? You're so absent minded" Gale asked me later. We've been talking for quite some time, mostly about Prim and how he had been working in the kitchen lately. He had been helping out with the food supplies, he went hunting and he was the only reason why the people of D13 sometimes got meat to eat at all. It's not that I cared; I didn't get any food anyway. I hoped they'd change that, soon.

"I guess" I answered confused. "It's been a weird and exhausting day."

"Mind to tell me what happened?"  
Of course he wanted to know. He wanted to know everything about me. I sighed. I wasn't sure if I should tell him, but what would it matter?  
"It's Peeta. He said that… you know…" I mumbled. And I frowned again when I remembered his blushing cheeks. Gale on the contrary looked at me expectantly. I took a deep breath.

"Hesaidhelovedme" I got out in one word, pressing my eyes together. "I don't understand."

If I thought that I was the only one that did not like the situation, I was wrong. Looking at Gale after this let me know that he was the same; very upset. I've never seen him like that. Suddenly he was like on _fire_.

"He _told_ you?" he threw his hands in the air. "He just told you?"

"You _knew_?" I asked him back, my eyes wide.

"Of course I knew! We _all_ knew!" He replied angrily.  
"And you didn't tell me?"  
"Why should I have told you? I wasn't going to do him this favor, Katniss!"

"Don't call me like _that_!" I hissed, suddenly so very disturbed by that name. I didn't want _him _to call me like that. He wasn't allowed to. And it did not improve our situation and trust when he said that he had known. Did he lie to me? He never told me, so he did lie, right? I was right thinking that I couldn't trust anyone. "I can't believe it!"

"You don't have to get angry" he tried to calm me down, but it's too late already.

"No? I'm not allowed to? And you are? Don't tell me you are allowed to be angry and I'm not?!" I spat, throwing my pillow at his face. My head ached again. My mind got fuzzier. I was weak from my earlier episode. It wouldn't take long before the monsters came back to see me. _Monster monster monster. Would there be Gale-Mutts now in the midst of a pack of Peetas?_

"No, you're not! I don't even know why you're being upset! You're not the one who's being shitted right now."

"Oh and YOU are?" I snorted. _Of course! I'm the one who's been confessed to, not him._

"Yeah, actually I am! Mellark told me… he _promised_ me he wouldn't take advantage of your situation! He said he would be playing fair."  
He clenched his fists.

"Playing fair?" I shrieked; my head got worse with every word. It was a matter of seconds before Dr. Sundower would come storming into my room. "What does that mean?"

"He said he wouldn't tell you before _I did_."

"_WHAT_?" I yelled, suddenly realizing what this was all about. He didn't need to tell me anymore but he did anyway.  
"I love you, too."

_Fuck._

Before I could say anything, Gale turned to the one-way mirror and started yelling and gesturing furiously.  
"No shut up! I'm not leaving right now!"

It startled me for a second, until I realized that he was wearing a tiny earphone. Not even a second later, Dr. Sundower burst into my room. And yes, he was angry. Really angry.

"You. OUT!" He yelled and grabbed Gale by the collar. Gale just stood still and didn't even look at the doctor. He was taller and stronger than him and it would have needed two guards at least to get him out of the room already. He didn't budge.  
"Look what you're doing!" Sundower shouted at him and pointed in my direction. "You're not helping her at all!"

And oh, how right he was. My head was about to explode. I closed my eyes and ears and started to rock my body back and forth. The monsters were creeping up on me again. _Katniss, Katniss, Katniss…_

When Gale refused to leave the room, I started to cry.  
"Get out! Get the fuck out!"

I don't remember what happened after. The world grew black again.

-.-

This time, the nightmares were about Gale and Peeta, killing each other. Then turning into mutts. Then killing me. Then killing Prim.

Everything was full of blood. It was_ everywhere._

-.-

I thought this day couldn't be getting worse. But it did.  
When I finally came to again, Gale was gone already. Instead, Haymitch sat on the very same seat.

"Oh no… Please _no_" I groaned. "Don't tell me that you've come to tell me that you're in love with me, too."

Haymitch actually roared with laughter. "You? Of all people? Are you kidding me?"  
Always honest, that man, and that was one reason why I disliked him. At least, he wasn't obsessed with me and I appreciated that fact very much.

When he started to get teary eyes because he was laughing too much however, I thought he was going overboard.  
"It's not _that_ funny" I remarked dryly.

He obviously had a different opinion, though.  
"Oh you're wrong. I find it very funny, Sweetheart. But don't worry, I won't tell you such a stupid thing like '_I love you'_. I don't want the others to think that I'm a pedophile or something."

"I'm not a child" I grumbled.  
"Oh yes Sweetheart, you are. Right now you are."

I glared at him when took his flask out of his pockets and took a long swig. When he placed it back into his pockets, he seemed to have calmed down again.  
"Why are you here then?" I asked him nervously. Every time I saw Haymitch, something bad happened or was going to happen. He was like a dark raven, always following me through the shadows. Or a crow that brought me evil tidings…  
Anyway, I didn't feel that he was the best company that Prim could have sent my way. Not that Peeta and Gale would have been better. I suspect that she didn't send anyone at all, not because she did not want to but because they wouldn't let her. This was some doctor's doing.

Haymitch looked at me closely.  
"I'm here to judge your progress" he said with a smirk. "I want to find out if you're ready for the next step, since I know you best."  
"Define _'best', _would you?" I answered dryly. "I don't think that you know me at all."

"I wouldn't say it like that" he said, leaning back on his chair. "We are just the same, you and I. We are the same… type of person, I guess."

I snorted loudly. It was true that he could look into my head like no one else but… really? The same type? It made me laugh because it sounded so ridiculous. "Of course" I replied rather sarcastic and rolled my eyes. I bet he saw this coming for his grin grew even wider_. I give up._  
"What do you mean with the next step?"

The old drunkard just shrugged and leaned forward like Peeta had done it before, arms resting on his lap.  
"They're at it again, aren't they? The boy and …the other boy?" he began, addressing the earlier confessions.

I narrowed my eyes at his words. He didn't even bother with names.  
"So you knew, too."  
"Of course! What are you thinking Sweetheart? We _all _knew. _You_ knew. _The entire country_ knew. You are just the one who forgot."

_Oh great. Tell me.  
_"I'm sure I would remember if this had happened before, wouldn't I?" I asked him and yes, I was pissed.  
"Well, do you?" He asked ironically. "I'm afraid but you don't have any clue about the situation you're in right now. How and what would you know?"

I scoffed and crossed my arms. "I'm not stupid. I know I can't trust you all. Everyone's just messing around with me and lying into my face. I don't know what you did to Prim or Delly or the others. But I'm pretty sure that they don't know what's going on. You all play with them. Even the people of D13 aren't aware of what they are doing. You just have manipulated them all, haven't you? Defying the Capitol is just the _worst_. They wouldn't do it if they were in their right mind."

Everything was just one fucked up game. They wanted me to give up on myself and play along, play their little dirty games. I did not plan on being a part of it. I wouldn't be lulled with their empty promises…

Haymitch rolled his eyes.  
"You're hopeless… We all hoped that you'd come to your senses after the bombing. But I'm starting to lose my patience. You're just too stubborn; you always were."

"I'm telling you again: Don't talk as if you knew me" I muttered. "You don't know anything."

"Huh, that's funny. There's a crazy girl sitting in front of me, telling me that she knew more than I did. A crazy girl that doesn't even recognize her own name. And to top all of it, she thinks that everyone's lying to her about just… everything. That everyone is trying to trick her. And of course that everyone's manipulated and corrupted."  
He brought out his flask again and took another mouthful. "You're expecting that everyone around you got hijacked, but you never think about the possibility that it's just you? Why should hundreds of people be manipulated, if it could have been just you the one who had been _modified_? Don't you think it's easier to just change you instead of all the others?"

"What are you talking about?" I asked; my eyes wide. It's the first time that I was told something like this. "I- I'm completely fine!"

"_Fine_, my ass!" he burst out. Time for joking was definitely over; he was being dead serious.  
"I could tell you now. Everything." Our eyes locked. "But are you even ready for the truth? As I told you earlier, I've come here to test you, and I'm still not sure about what I should do with you. I know you've started to realize that something's wrong. Your body does without any doubt. But what about your mind? Are you truly ready to hear it?"

I narrowed my eyes. "Tell me and I'll judge."  
_Because everything he says are just lies. Filthy lies._

"Okay. But I won't stop. Listen and think about it. Do you remember the Quarter Quell?"  
I simply nodded.  
"There was a plan to get you out of the arena. To save your and the other victor's lives. I've never told you in advance in case the rescue mission failed."  
_Oh, that's news._

"Unfortunately, we did fail. We got Finnick, Beetee and Peeta out, but you and Johanna were captured by Snow's men."  
_What?_

"You've been a prisoner to the Capitol for a few months. You were tortured and hijacked."  
_No way._

"They've used drugs and Tracker Jacker venom on you to mess up your mind. They changed your memories and implanted you new ones."

_No._  
"They tricked you into believing that they were your friends. That you were a killer before. They let you forget about your family and your very own sister, Prim."

_NO._

"They made you believe that the Rebels tried to kill you. That Peeta tried to kill you. They made you think that the Hunger Games were _our_ doing."

_NO!_

"And everything because you were our symbol of hope. Our Mockingjay. Snow did his best to destroy you, to break you, so you wouldn't ever defy the Capitol again."

_STOP!_

"You wanted to hear the truth, didn't you? Here you go, that's all I can do for you, Sweetheart. It's time to judge." He finished wary, leaning against the back of his chair.

_No. No he's lying again.  
Is he?_

_Isn't he?_

_He must be. Everyone Is lying. They are so skilled. Good liars, really._

_A lie. A lie. A lie. __Before the day is over, they'll paint the cornucopia anew.  
And then the monsters are coming back..  
_

I burst out laughing. I laughed hard; hard and unintended. Maybe because I didn't know what else I could do; because my mind was going berserk. Haymitch simply stared at me while I was going crazy. The laugh got hysterical, and then, slowly, it ebbed down. I came back, from nowhere. Wordlessly._  
_My head ached even more. Hopefully it's going to burst. I've never wanted to go back home as much as I wanted now. Now the real torture would begin. They would try to change me. Turn me into something I was not. It's already happening. Haymitch just took the first step into something I didn't want to think about. I inhaled sharply, still trying to suppress another outburst.  
"That's… That's…." I finally stammered. It couldn't be true. "You're just making this up, aren't you?"

"Why should I? I know that you've realized already that some things are not right with you, too. You're just trying not to think about it. I know you – I know that you're just ignoring all the signs because you're afraid of facing it."

Was he looking into my head? I didn't want to admit it, but… he was good. Really good. As expected, he just knows how I tick…

_But he had a point. Why would he make it all up? Why would Peeta tell me he loved me? Why would Gale?_

_Why would Delly look at me, shocked, because of what I said sometimes?_

_Why would I protect someone like Peeta when I needed to kill him? Why would I dream about bread and his eyes? Why would I see caves and why would I smell the sweet steam of sleeping syrup?  
Why the hell would I be dreaming about a lake I've never seen before?  
Why would Prim cry when I said I wanted to have her as my sister?_

I started to laugh again, bitterly. He had some point. I had noticed strange things for some time now… The pieces were coming together little by little. Again, my laughing ebbed down just to be drowned in suffocated sobs. There was something. _Voices, images, sounds_… But I was too scared to think about the possibility. I was the only one I could trust. Ever. Have I lost myself, too?  
Hot tears were streaming down my cheeks before I'd even realized it. _Shit._

I felt my throat tighten. Was it time to fight? To show my loyalty, like President Snow had told me? I had to protect my friends and my convictions, like he said I would. He trusted me I would…  
"No… No, no, NO. This is definitely not true! And I'm not afraid! I'm _never_!" I yelled at him furiously, not sure what I wanted to tell him exactly. "You… you're just saying things. Things that make me irritated… But I won't betray them. You… You can't make me betray them..! I promised… I promised President Snow that.. That I'd…"

I clenched my teeth. I didn't know what to think anymore. I felt like my heart just got ripped out.  
"I'm not... I'm not..." I sobbed. "Prim… Prim is not my sister. There's no way she was… She's got a mother and a father. They… They.."  
They _what?  
_I shut my mouth. I had never met them, had I?

In the very same moment Doctor Sundower came into my room, too. Haymitch held his head high as he nodded in silent agreement with the blue eyed doctor.  
"It is time" he simply said as he stood. "Start the treatment and bring her back. I know she's starting to understand. She's ready."  
The Doc nodded. "Let's hope it's not too late."

I was ashamed of my tears and hid my face behind my palms. Haymitch knew. He had looked into me again. That's why he felt that I was ready for the treatment. I didn't want to face it. I wasn't really ready for the truth, whatever it was. I just wanted to go back, to whatever place I'd been happy before. Whatever place I'd been safe before.

I cried harder. There was no holding back anymore.  
_Too much memories. Too much memories I couldn't stand. Too much memories I couldn't understand._

"Tell me, sweetheart. Why are you crying right now?" His voice sounded so calm and soothing all of a sudden. And all I knew was that I wanted to give him an honest answer.

"Because both of them said they loved me. And I… I know it's _true_."

* * *

She's hopefully starting to get it now. Thoughts?

I'd be very happy to hear from you all. I really like this chapter and I'd be disappointed if it didn't make you feel anything at all.  
Also, if you notice heavy mistakes, please do tell me (**Bad English destroys the best stories**, even I can tell. Especially when it's a crucial part of the story, so... I need your advice, lol.)

Again, follow me on tumblr.: **Elsterbird** for the latest drawings of my "Growing Back Together Series". (Drawings of Katniss and Peeta, slowly growing back together as the title says. lol.)

(Also add tumblr.: **ToastedBird** if you want to see** smutty everlark pictures**, coming soon.)

Love you all :) Thank you very much!

Elsterbird


End file.
